During summer days when most college students are away from campus, feminists take a break from faking rapes so that they can go hawking their books. After reading another literally depressing review of Jessica Valenti’s humbragging Sex Object: A Memoir I was pleasantly surprised to happen upon author Bea Appleby’s delightful article Why our 7-year-olds desperately need to learn about feminism. Bea, of course, is shilling for her own book, What is Feminism? Why do we need it? And Other Big Questions.
The world is full of evil and teaching the shortie/bambino set about incredible levels of self-serving hate in feminism is a sobering but important step in rearing children to appreciate the ways that feminists exploit both genders. In order to help Miss Appleby share her toxic fruit, I’ve prepared a syllabus of course materials suitable for all ages in order build a greater understanding of feminism in today’s fully equal, multicultural education milieu.
Section One: Be grateful you are alive.
In this section, we will cover how feminists wanted to kill you even before you were born, and how they celebrate killing children like you by “Shouting their abortion” like Lindy West does. Students will be expected to demonstrate an understanding of why they are such burdens on their mothers, and how their very existence is ruining their mom’s personal and professional life. This outcome can be considered remedial since many children learn all they need to know about feminism as they are scraped out of their mom’s wombs.
Section Two. Why mommy got rid of your daddy.
In this section, we will cover how feminists destroyed fathers’ rights in marriage and how it is now completely legal and okay for mommy to bring home a series of strange men rather than living stably with a loving, involved father. Female students will be expected to master hypergamy exercises where they learn to trade in one boy to try to get a better boy. Boys will be expected to tolerate all of this with good grace by working harder and harder to try to please the girls. All students will be expected to accept paternal alienation efforts by their “mothers” played by volunteer FOUS (feminists of unusual size).
Section Three. How mommy uses government to get money from daddy.
In this section, we will divide the class by gender, and have a “police officer” take lunch money away from the boys, then use some of it to buy candy for the girls. Any boy with no lunch money, or who refuses to surrender it, will be taken to a timeout “jail” for the rest of the semester. Boys will be expected to sacrifice their lunch money and watch while the girls eat the candy right in front of them. Any girl who refuses the candy, or tries to share it with a boy, will be punished for “fat shaming”, “internalized misogyny,” and “betraying the sisterhood.”
Section Four: Why girls should dress like a little slut.
In this section, we will cover dress codes and feminist “slut walk” culture and how boys are not supposed to notice or even look at girls regardless of how the girls decide to dress. Although boys will be subject to strict dress and behavioral codes, for the first time boys will be allowed to volunteer to serve as “feminist allies” where they can hold the roll of duct tape as the girls prepare for their first junior slut walk through the halls of the school, or playground, weather permitting. Participation trophies, ice cream, and cake will be given to all the girls who comply. Girls who dress more traditionally will be given broccoli. Boys get nothing.
Section Five: How to fake that a boy has hurt you.
In this section, we will introduce “believe the victim” and reinforce chivalry in boys by having them sacrifice their well-being for a girl’s whim. Girls will be expected to learn to lie convincingly and quote feminist phrases when being interviewed by authorities. Boys will learn to “man up” and apologize even when they are innocent. Girls will learn further to use boys’ apologies as evidence against them.
Section Seven. How to master feminist mathematics.
In this section, we skip Section Six so students will learn how to parrot numbers without investigating the source of those numbers. Students will be expected to master a series of chants such as “One in four!” and “Seventy-seven cents!” We will also introduce the concept of “privilege mathematics” where we show how girls are always better than boys because boys are privileged. A fun “victim Olympics” will conclude the semester where students will learn the power of whining about imagined slights known as “microaggressions.”
Section Eight. Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them.
In this section, we will teach girls that boys are violence sponges that can be punched or kicked to get them to behave or really, whenever a girl feels like doing it. Boys, of course, are punished severely if they hit back, run away, or report the abuse to a teacher As the author of the book explains, “Girls, here it is―everything you need to know about boys: 1. Boys come from the Stupid Factory. 2. Boys are pretty much smelly and useless. 3. It is possible to have fun with boys, however….. 4. If you decide to keep a boyfriend, he will need to be housebroken.”
As you can see, feminism needs to be taught to even the youngest of students so that they grow up understanding that when a feminist talks about “gender equality,” she is nothing but a goddamn poopy pants.