This article is Satire and does not reflect the opinions or positions of AVFM or its staff. EDs
My iPod crapped out a while back, so I’ve been listening to the radio. Usually, it’s CFNR, which is gynocentric and native-centric, but fairly innocuous in its approach, as they focus mostly on music. Well the job I’ve been tackling is in a location that gets crappy CFNR reception, so scanning the channels, what could go wrong?
… … … CBC … fuck.
Were they this bad before? It’s a trip through neenooneenoo duntDAH the twilight zone!!!
It’s a good thing they have a working washroom in this camp house, as the number of times I nearly shit myself doesn’t bare mentioning… forget I said that. I got to hear Lindy West talking about how comedians are sexist, to which she followed up by gloating about how she personifies the stereotypes the comedian’s joke about, more. Lindy, you have a winning combo there, two thumbs waaaayyyyyy up.
Later on, I got a good scare when Candy talked about how two couples were sharing a mortgage in Toronto. I was vaguely paying attention so I missed some pertinent details up until the girls blurted, “we were roommates on campus and shared everything, so it just seemed natural to share other things too.” And the first thing that came to mind was, what, like husbands? Yeah, I was wrong. I was soon corrected, and discovered that it was a lesbian couple, and a hetero couple, and they all came from Dalhousie University; wait, what, yup, they are of the same age group as Facebook misogyny problem. Yeah, that can’t possibly go sideways for the husband, no way in the seven hells, nope.
So how about them Blue Jays eh? Wait, what??? Racist tenors? You shittin me!? The Canadian Anthem has been changed, and one of the Tenors added his personal flavor, which included #AllLivesMatter. What a racist git! Doesn’t he know just how triggering that phrase is??? His continuance as a Tenor is now in question. Bravo, good for him, stand your ground chap. BlackLivesMatter has ZERO business in Canada; this was the final destination of the Underground Railroad for fuck sakes, FUCK OFF!!!
But hey, Vancouver has the answer. By targeting primary school age children using a method similar to what that teacher did to her students with eye color. Remember that?
Look, I’m all for teaching kids about the contributions to civilization made by members other races. But when you start talking about making kids feel the other shoe, history is a hard shell for kids to chew. When I went to school, normal history class filled me with what is now called “White Guilt” and I’m a halfbreed.
My mama raised me a city injun, so I had little contact with reserve injuns until high school. You see, reserves don’t have high schools or colleges or universities, and here’s why, they’re fucking assholes. Sorry, I didn’t mean to use so much sugar, but it’s a hard swallow. The reserves send their high school aged students to white communities because high schools don’t last long on the reserve, and high school teachers won’t live on the reserve, cuz they’re fucking assholes. I could spend the rest of this article referring them like that, and it won’t come near close enough to encompassing what they really are. So when I got to high school, and discovered these “natives,” it didn’t take long to shed my white guilt and see these shits for what they were. The best thing for them, is to abolish the Indian Act, and let them sink or swim.
I got my white guilt through unbiased, unvarnished history, “Europeans came, did x y and z, blah de blah de blarg, what do you think.” Fuck man, that’s some shit sammich right there yo. Now you wanna ret-con that method, by fucking with our kids’ emotions through indoctrination and abuse? Fuck you… FAAAHHH QUE!!! Home schooling looks better every day.
I had myself a breather and a giggle as Candy interviewed some author regarding the lived experiences of tits. It went about as good as one would expect, girls have tits, and that’s a problem for girls… and men, “why are men afraid to talk about boobs?” Uh… cuz social justice geeks take things outta context and blah de blah de blarg. I could tell you about your tits, your tits have one use, attracting men; all other mammals have teats, that is all that’s needed to feed babies; and you show off your cleavage for one purpose, to announce to all that you are female, by boldly showing your lack of chest-hair. Pack up your tits and go home.
And then this idea that we should rename places to their original titles. I can’t wait to see the scores of students lining up to get into the new Hock-a-luggy University. Why not the province of Hack-tchew. Bless you… wait, weren’t you conquered? Shut up, Canada is the biggest damn village in the world, be grateful for that much.
But wait, there’s more:
The first native poet laureate Rebecca Thomas (if that ain’t a ridiculous mouthful) writes an inspiring poem about imperfection and does an impressive dance as she beats around the bush. Ok, I hear you, Edward Cornwallis was shit, get to the point. Well, there is no point. Here’s what I gather about this issue; they don’t want anything to change, not really, they just want a constant reminder of what a shit he was. Why does that sound familiar?
Ok, so he paid for scalps… and? He wasn’t paying for the scalps; he wanted the scalps as evidence that one was killed. And on THAT FUCKING NOTE!!! Europeans didn’t invent scalping! Natives were scalping each other before Europeans arrived; damn it CBC, this was in one of the books you reviewed last year. Were you not taught about the gauntlet? Maybe you should run one; it wasn’t European either. Iroquois? Shit, I can’t remember.
But hey, there’s this kid in BC from Haiti who was adopted into a native family, and he can’t compete in the All Native Basketball League. Well cry me a fucking river, did you not read the title, it says it all. Did he forget to become a blood brother? Kids these days, no respect fer nuffin.
Go Trump!!! Pocahontas knew mountains out of molehills were meaningless wastes of effort.
Finally, on a side note. This fucker here wants to change Canadian law to suit his Sharia feelz. Go back to Sharia land. This here is a secular cuntree.
For shits and giggles, here I am, chatting with a buddy of mine who carves totem poles. We’ve spent hours solving the problems of the universe. One day I threw at him, “you know what you should do, carve a ‘white mans’ totem pole.” He looked at me funny, so I proceeded to expound the thought. The bottom figure would be a farmer, and the figures would spiral up, depicting the stages of civilization (like miner, faller, iron worker), until it got to the top which would depict an astronaut pointing to the stars. The idea would be a monument of aspiration, not a statue venerating mythology. He thought it was a cool idea, but it would have to be a private investment cuzz, “you know the government won’t fund that idea.”
I grinned at him and said, “of course not, it would be racist… WORSE,” and I gave him the OMG face, “it would be cultural appropriation!!!” When we quit laughing, I asked him how much it would be… oh about $3000… per lineal foot of pole. Fifty-foot pole, do the math; yeah it won’t be getting done. Pity.