It has been suggested from time to time that Men’s Rights Advocates (MRAs) should ally with feminists to work toward gender equality. There are some problems with this – such as, any man who speaks in the presence of any feminist is automatically dismissed as a mansplainer – but after feasting on a billion feminist tears from the stinging defeat of Hillary Clinton, in my sobering glee I have decided that allying myself with feminists is the right thing to do in a good faith effort to bring a small measure of healing to this wound that can never stop bleeding.
From my lived experience, my feels and thoroughly checked privilege have inspired me to share some words of positivity, support and inclusion with the hirsute sisterhood in the hope that a future election will smash the patriarchy to create an America worthy of the first woman President.
My humble recommendation is this: don’t change a thing. Here are some woke examples that will illuminate what I mean by this.
- Keep breaking your promises. Many feminists who promised to move to Canada if Trump won have already reneged on their word. I think Hillary surrogates Lena Dunham, Amy Schumer and Al Sharpton have already flaked out on their promise of expatriation, and this is a good thing – the last thing Americans want is a President who keeps his or her promises, and by breaking your solemn vows you reassure us all that all feminists are flakes. Men find this “Manic Pixie Dream Girl” unpredictability motif to be especially charming as it reassures us that women will not be ready for real power any time soon, if ever, and this is the precise stereotype of women that will help female candidates in the future to work their charming kookiness on voters.
- Keep avoiding any form of self-reflection. Why blame your own failings when blaming everyone else is more fun? While many losers wind up second-guessing and retooling themselves in the hope of improving themselves and their outcomes, this is a feature of the patriarchy that advances civilization and so you should continue to eschew it. Keep telling yourselves that “Losers do not need to change; winners do.” Let men handle the hard intellectual work of improving things – you need to show that women’s job is to complain, not lead. Besides, math is difficult and a part of rape culture. Yucky.
- Keep absurdly characterizing your opponents as fascists, KKK members, or whatever. By denigrating your opponents unabashedly you will naturally shame voters into falling in line behind you. This worked well at the opinion polls where millions of Americans hid their actual candidate preference (Trump) to seem politically correct to pollsters. If you keep this up you will never have to talk about tedious stuff like public policy on immigration or military readiness. Boring! Forcing voters deeper underground might eventually stop them from being energized to vote against your preferred lady hopefuls.
- Keep demanding free stuff from the government. Nothing is more adorable than a child having a meltdown in the checkout line as she cries for candy, and a great way for you to enforce the brand of neediness in women is keep up the frantic begging. Free tuition? Sure! Free tampons and birth control? Why not? Why should child support stop at age 18? As long as a woman believes she needs free stuff she should get free stuff. You don’t even have to earn votes – you should get those for free, too. It is only fair, right? Right?
- Keep fabricating rape and abuse cases. In addition to further bolstering your ditzy, flaky charm, fake rape cases that turn men into felons remove one more man from the ranks of voters who might vote against you. Undermining the credibility of true victims of rape is a small price to pay for the catharsis of letting your hateful flake flag flutter.
- Keep rioting and calling for the deaths of men and police officers. Nothing shows the real leadership character of women like civil disorder, burning down your own neighborhood, and androcide. That is the sort of woman we need in the Oval Office and I don’t mean underneath the desk. Although most white women voted for Trump, I am sure they can be terrified and whipped into a frenzy if you just keep attacking their sons, brothers, fathers, husbands, and other trusted male friends as well as removing the willingness of the police to rescue them.
- Keep whining about small annoyances as if they are crumbling the world. So what if Muslims want to behead every GLBTQ person they can find? Ignore that as usual! Sexist air conditioning is despoiling the office! Manspreading is transit torture! Did I mention the crying need for free tampons? By acting as if all women are petty complainers who can never be satisfied or express gratitude, you make femininity in candidates seem like a prefect idea for the most powerful office in the world. Yes you do. You do!
- Keep retreating to your safe spaces. It takes a lot of courage to hide in a closet coloring in a book when a crisis comes along. This is what Americans demand in their leaders – complete impotence in the face of the tiniest microaggression. You must show America that women are strong enough to color the sky pink and purple as the terrorists are blowing things up. Pretty! You color so well!
- Keep attacking any woman who dares to disagree with you. Remember that special place in hell for women who don’t support other women! Vaginal solidarity is the best antidote for internalized misogyny, and women will quickly fall into line if you just abuse and insult them enough. You can throw your vagina at men but women need a vicious, more passive-aggressive touch.
- Keep trusting the news media. They told you whatever they thought would ease your minds, and there is no reason to let reality interrupt your faith in them. They didn’t bother with the truth about the election and you should not either.
- BONUS! Keep attacking/ignoring MRAs. This worked wonderfully in this past election and there is no reason for you to treat men as equals. It is enough for you to pretend to support equality in order to beard your real agenda of female supremacy. No one will ever see through your ruse, I promise.
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