Hypergamy

Zeta Game- Hypergamy

When you are married, you might as well wake up every morning, go look at yourself in the mirror and say, “Fuck you. Fuck your dreams, your ambitions and anything else that is important to you. It’s all about her.”

-Chris Rock

In our efforts to understand and quantify women‘s power, we are hobbled by the fact that our culture has very, very limited ways to articulate the nature of that power. In fact, we live largely in denial of the massive amount of muscle and sway inherent to being female, and are under any number of cultural pressures, reinforced by massive societal denial, to act as though that power does not exist.

What would seem to be a minor example of this at work can be seen every time your spell check redlines the word misandry. Though this is actually not so minor. A culture that refuses to acknowledge that a perfectly legitimate word exists on paper, is in effect denying its existence to the collective consciousness. And when such prejudicial elimination of ideas runs unchecked, it not only has the power to skew attitudes and perspectives, but also to shape law and policy, education and public awareness. Misandry runs rampant because misandry does not exist.

Women need empowerment, and always will, because women’s power itself does not exist.

We do have one exception to this. It is the “I am woman, hear me roar,” exception. We are bound as members of this society to proclaim women to be powerful, capable equals to men, even as we are also shackled to the opinion that women are the subjugated victims of oppression by the men who they are supposedly equal to. In its own ironic and completely contradictory way, the “I am woman,” exception is just a publicly mandated, schmaltzy affirmation of the Stuart Smalley variety. We are all compulsory grrl power cheer leaders, chanting therapeutic mantras at women about a kind of power they do not have, and never have had.

And it only serves to lead us further astray from the very real power that they do possess.

We don’t have common expressions like “female dominance,” or “matriarchal oppression,” and despite their absolute legitimacy, as sure as we use them 98% of the public will roll their eyes in summary dismissal, thus demonstrating another aspect of overarching female power that bears no name, and therefore does not exist.

It is like trying to describe a cloud without being able to use the word itself- to a world that does not believe in clouds. We are limited to talking around the subject; we present our meanings in metaphors and similes and anecdotes. We may describe how the power of accusation from women often ruins innocent men, or how men go in to family court at a complete disadvantage by virtue of having a penis, rather not having a vagina, but we really have precious little language to address all this directly. As a result, much of what we say is dismissed as hyperbolic and overly reactionary.

It’s the female advantage to have power that is at once overbearing and invisible; everywhere and nowhere.

But this is beginning to change, thanks to the MRM. Growing numbers of men and women are now aware of misandry, despite their spell checks continued ignorance of it. And with the furtherance of the use of that word, we are not only pushing another addition to the lexicon, but some very key ideas that go with it.

  • Women can, and do, irrationally hate every bit as much as men.
  • Women can be sexist, and many are.
  • Men can be self hating, and many are.

That is the power of a single word, and the more it is forced into mainstream use, the more, albeit slowly, that attitudes begin to change. We are not there yet, but the day is coming that misandry will take its place alongside misogyny in the collective consciousness, and people will have a hard time thinking of one without a cognizance of the other. Language is the locus of social change.

In that spirit, I am continuing the Zeta Game series with a focus on not only reversing the polarity of the power flow between men and women, but on attempting to infuse some more meaning and clarity into the language we use when doing it. And I can best start by taking a word that has been popping up in the Game dialog for some time now.

Hypergamy.

The word is literally defined as the custom of women marrying up, or marrying men who have a higher socioeconomic status than women possess on their own. Gamesters have already expanded on it to describe women’s natural inclination to be sexually stimulated in the presence of powerful men. I read a recent comment in another forum saying that even the most committed of married women will get the ‘gina tingle in the presence of such men, even when ugly ass Henry Kissinger walks into a room.

I have no doubt it is true.

But there is much more to hypergamy, and at the very least it serves the purpose of men well to revise and expand upon our understanding of it, and include that into our common language.

First we should consider that the literal definition of hypergamy and the Game definition both point to the same outcome- women with access to, and use of, the power generated by men.

That power can come in many different forms, and will be pursued differently by different women, especially at different points in their lives.

A younger woman may be attracted to the immediate presence of personal power via thug attraction, while an older, more sophisticated woman will be turned on by a successful man of means. There is, in the biological sense, not one iota of difference between the two women. Both get hot and bothered by what they hope to eventually have control over.

So whether the ‘gina tingle is sparked by a guy on a Harley or a guy with a Harley factory, they are tingling over essentially the same thing.

Both women will enter the relationship in honeymoon phase, but will eventually use the tried and tested methods of sexual manipulation and/or emotional blackmail to put the man on a leash and start assuming ownership of everything he produces, including money, home and personal time.

The average woman will become increasingly demanding and insistent that the energy all revolve around her, and the standard response is for the man to acquiesce. And as I wrote about in my essay, “A Prayer for Joe Bob,” this is where we also see the man lose more and more of himself to her wishes and whims.

Women don’t just marry up. They are on constant alert to better deal themselves, even within, especially within, their current relationships. They enter relationships with the intent to eventually exert total control over them. I saw a woman wearing a T-shirt once that said it as succinctly as I have ever seen it.

More me. Less you.

To illustrate the point further I am reminded of one of the questions I used to ask in the men’s groups I facilitated.

“How many of you,” I would ask, “have ever had the feeling that you wanted to pull all of your hair out by the roots and scream bloody murder because no matter what you did, she was not happy with it and wanted more?”

The roughly 5% of men who answered this question in the negative were all gay.

Even men that claimed to be happily married were able to relate to this frustration, and indeed many of those men attributed their “happy marriage” to the fact that they gave their wives whatever they wanted with no questions.

I call this hypergamy in action, and it is a form of exercised power that is unequaled in its ability to control a man’s life- and it is all but universal to the male experience.

For men who desire the ability to avoid that trap, giving hypergamy an expanded definition (and yes, I can do that if I want to) is in order.

Hypergamy is the innate tendency in women to reduce men to mere utilitarian value, to extract as much personal use from men as possible. And to continue to do so until the man is used up.

In short, hypergamy is the universal drive in women to turn men into appliances, and whether that appliance is a dildo or an ATM or both, makes little difference.

And the hell with NAWALT, in one way or another ALL heterosexual women practice hypergamy, and my money is on the idea that most lesbians do as well. It is biological programming, not conscious choice, so hating women for it is about as useful as hating men for liking tits and ass.

And besides, one need not hate women to understand and counteract hypergamy. Indeed, it is quite possible to force any woman you are connected to into more or less chasing her tail in circles with her hypergamous tendencies, leaving her to experience the frustration that she usually is the one to inflict. And it does not require scheming, manipulation, dishonesty or any of the other less savory aspects of non Zeta Game.

In fact, it demands that you do just the opposite of those things and operate only in honest, direct ways that scream self assurance and self awareness.

I will cross that bridge in the next article, Hypergamy Crossroads.

About Paul Elam

Paul Elam is the founder and publisher of A Voice for Men, the founder of A Voice for Men Radio, the AVfM YouTube Channel, and appears weekly on AVFM Intelligence Report, Going Mental with Dr. Tara Palmatier and monthly on MANstream Media with Warren Farrell and Tom Golden.

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  • Matthew Graybosch

    @ResoluteMan

    > Well, if the only thing men believe they have to offer women are protection services and money then you can’t blame women for valuing and ranking men according to their utility.

    It’s funny; I never believed that I had anything to offer women, not even the ability to be a dildo on legs, a walking ATM, a butler, or a human shield. I figured I’d die a bachelor, and was made peace with that by the time I got out of college.

    > Maybe we should stop defining ourselves by the jobs we do and embrace the other sides of who we are away from work, more. Friends, fathers, lovers . . .

    No kidding. Like Chuck Palahniuk wrote in Fight Club, you are not your fucking job. As far as I’m concerned, the only appropriate answer to “What do you do?” is “None of your business”.

  • keith

    @ Mathew Gray…

    I believe the question is usually “what do you do for a living?”

    Answer: I breathe

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/rula42 RulaZ

    @ keith
    @ matthew

    I think it depends on the country or even continent u live in…I come from europe, its pretty much the same here…first question is always: “what do u do for a living”
    I was living in africa (namibia) for a couple of years…and believe me…some of my closest people had no idea what i do for a living…they wanted to find out WHO u r, not WHAT u r….I found that a very human approach to people. But obviously humanity is not the first/the most important thing when it comes to relationships between men and women…

  • http://derechosdeloshombres.blogspot.com/ Daniel Martínez

    This reminds me of female bodybuilders. When I was in chile the tv intervied a female bodybuilder and she declared that she cannot have a boyfriend that is less muscular than her. Hypergamy si something natural aparently.

  • keith

    Correct me if I’m wrong, men cluster by uniform. Suits don’t stand shoulder to shoulder with jeans. Even in Namibia.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/rula42 RulaZ

    @keith
    sure…if it comes to “searching for mr right” women are all the same, all over the world…but even men are asking this “what do u do” Q all the time….but that i didnt find in namibia…and some women too…they just wanted to know u as a person first…all in all i got that Q not that often in africa…maybe it has to do with the industrial life style, driven by money in the first place in the so called “first world countries” …and that lifestyle made a large impact on womens behaviour, too

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/rula42 RulaZ

    i think we can agree on that: the alpha male is most wanted.

    personally, i want to break thru to that clichee, but mother nature made us like that somehow…men try to impress women, women choose the best fruit at the tree (the richest…lol…men try to find the most beautiful fruit^^).
    the problem we have is: some women trained their skills to find the good ones and take advantages out of them. by all means. Thats where the problems start…and where do they end for a lot of men? bankruptcy, custody tragedies…society changes coz women are quicker to grab their chances, just as society is defined by them as “male”, too…and therefore an enemy…and men are left behind…society is unbalanced, unfair….more and more…from male`s perspective…thats what i am fighting against, and its just my own humble experience and observation…

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/rula42 RulaZ

    and…after reading the article again…i can tell u in a very personal way that this “hypergamy” exists…its a fact…
    when i was playing live a lot as a musician…well…”the gentleman enjoys, but keeps it secret”…haha…ladies all around…I can tell ya…but now…as a single father….(which obviously stands for “lower social status” somehow?) there are no groupies in sight…u know what i mean…women stopped to knock at my window at night^^…(or are they just afraid to wake up the kids??? i doubt that). Which means: the very same person can go from “up in the sky” to “rotten basement sinkhole” within a couple of days…and I have to say it: thats typical female behaviour…Mind: I am not complaining about my life, i am doin fine, I am NOT looking desperately for a new relationship….its just an observation of mine which I find shocking..and it will continue to inspire me writing my songs.

  • John A

    Love your work Paul.

    I live that Chris Rock quote. There is nothing worse than having your dreams crushed by the person you love most. She delights in my failure – success would bring me more power. Of course too much failure would have negative consequences for her, so she has to manage this by tricks such as repackaging success as failure. In her world everything I want is “for me”, everything she wants is for “the family”. You are dead right about hypergamy, so many friends’ wives and girlfriends manage their lives and success all the time.

    I was brought up by feminists to be something other than a man and consequently was no match for women. I’m 47 now, but it has only been since 40 that I’ve stopped blaming myself for not being good enough. Let’s hope we can spread the word so that more guys can take control of their lives and let’s hope that boys can be brought up to be good men, not assholes or suckers.

    One more point: men are better looking than women. No, I’m not gay. Read Schopenhauer on this. http://www.theabsolute.net/misogyny/onwomen.html We find women sexually attractive, not because they are better looking but because we are programmed to like tits and bits. If guys put 10% of the effort into looking good that women do it would be obvious that we are better looking.

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  • Annie

    “Both get hot and bothered by what they hope to eventually have control over.”

    This line, to me defines this entire post.

    And it’s another post showing a lack of understanding of women. Your belief in why a woman does what she does, has very little to do with the actual reasons. It’s just your perception.

    Women don’t get excited over men they hope or believe they can control. They get sexually excited by men they believe(at the time) they cannot control.

    You are right however that women have no inherant power. The power, afforded to women is not due to women deliberately going for it, it is due primarly to the sexual vulnerability of men. Often women have no idea of this vulnerability, because they do not have it themselves. How could they ever understand?

    Your perception, does not reflect the female reality, yet the posts here continue to presume they know female motivations and how men should respond. How can this help? other than to vent anger?

  • keith

    @ Annie

    Your whimsical insights are about 40 years late. The very methods of observing a genders motivations was pretty much established by the feminist movement and women generally. The methods and observations have led to extensive legislation and laws that have served to curtail the quality of most mens lives.

    and then along comes Annie, to set us all straight.

    I disagree wholly with you, this article and the posts, exceeds womens understanding of themselves and their motivations. But I can certainly understand the discomfort women would feel in being exposed to this truth. It removes the mask of innocence and purity that most women love to use to hide behind and deceive others.

  • John A

    @Annie

    I think you are agreeing with Paul, however, you resent the way he says it. The power women have over men is not only sexual, it is emotional and cultural as well. It may well be that the emotional and cultural power stem from the sexual, but that power exists in its own right.

    Having not yet reached enlightenment, none of us fully understands “women” or “men” for that matter. Rather, we are trying to make sense of how we can deal with our relationships with women in such a way that we don’t get fucked over.

    And yes we are angry, because we love women, but yet so much we were told about them is wrong. Being lied to and cheated does not make you happy.

  • Annie

    Thank You John A for your response.

    We’ve been all sold a bill of goods on who we are. But I don’t think society was built on who we actually are, it was built on a recognition on who we are, and what we need to control(withiin our own behaviour) to remain civilized.

    I am agreeing with Paul about the sexual side, but am confused by where we think it comes from. I don’t think the sexual power comes from women. The emotional power I am just beginning to understand and probably does come from women and would really love to hear more thoughts on this. The cultural power I’m at a loss(other than unfair attitudes towards the justice system). What cultural power do we have?

    Not just today, but ultimately in society?

  • Annie

    @Keith

    The feminist movement was reacting in anger, and their gender perceptions were based on observation and not understanding. Both men and women do this and both men and women are usually wrong.

    I’d like to move past it and both you and I will struggle with that. So be it.

  • keith

    @ Annie

    Sorry, I been around for a few years, I’ve seen the “reactions”. There’s a difference between anger and malice.

    No men and women don’t do this. Women do it.
    When women stepped up and asked for the vote, employment opportunities, equal pay, equal access, affirmative action, they got it.
    When men ask for access to their children the courts backed by women give us the finger, and a list of accusations.

    No Annie we both won’t struggle through this. I will. You however won’t, you will play your victim card and pretend it’s a struggle.

    “What cultural power do we have?”

    Two excellent books listed right on this page, The Woman Racket and The Manipulated Man. Another I would recommend is The Myth Of Male Power.

    Then you can debate yourself.

    “another post showing a lack of understanding of women” I think this post has an incredible understanding of women, just not a “preferred understanding”

    The pedestal is crumbling.

  • John A

    @ Annie

    Cultural power comes from constraints that society puts on men and from biased conventional views of men and women.

    For example, society expects that men won’t hit women and most men don’t. This allows some women to hit bigger and stronger men without the bother of being hit back.

    Another example is the assumption that women are more moral than men. Men lose out because the cultural assumption is that the woman would have been right. “He must have cheated”, “he must have hit her” or “he wasn’t a good father”. There is a presumption of male guilt that gives women power over men. Many men assume that they themselves are wrong because that precious princess could do no wrong.

    This cultural power combined with legal power means that guys are not going to get a fair go in court.

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  • Redpill

    Tell me about it, one thing I can’t stand is a man who cries over a women, and blames himself and says things like, “It was my fault”, “I stopped doing alot of bad shit because of this women”, “She would never cheat on me” and “She makes me a better man”, and even start crying like a fucking baby. I have been told that I am fucked up in the head, because I don’t cry like a little bitch and because I have my moral convictions on alot of matters, especially concerning abortion which is murder, and can care less about a womans whims and desires, or feelings in general. The sooner we free ourselves from the shackles of the “Matrix” that is feminism and the women’s control over men, the more happier and free we will become, and I hope our dream becomes a reality someday for all of us. These women will no one to blame but themselves for their own problems when the day comes that us Zeta Males will be, and they will that all we want is freedom, peace, and some fucking quiet

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