Solemn

Misdirected Anger; giving dad a break

After many years of misandric conditioning, I no longer accept that my father helped to pave the downward spiral of self-hate, self-negation and paranoid narcissism that exemplified the path I took.  For nearly two decades, I aloofly hurled myself into an abyss of depraved personal and social deconstruction while working diligently to appear lucid to the outside world.  My apathetic antics were a constant source of personal shame that I was able to numb by projecting contradictory values.  It would be years before I would come to terms with the preceding factors that waged psychological warfare against my development but once I did, I justly stopped the castigation of my paternal influence.

Not only was I reared in an environment that pointed the finger at men no matter what the infraction, I was also indoctrinated into a definition of manhood that was based on the complete refusal to be male.  A select few who are close to me have told me that my story is one of anomalous circumstances.  Whether or not that is the case I don’t know as I’m sure many had it worse than I did, but I do know that my past stands as a stark outcome of misandric calamities.

Because my father was deemed public enemy number one by my mother and because she smothered me with her narcissistic need for affirmation (which became my only social outlet as I wasn’t allowed friends), my development was hijacked and replaced with intersexual insecurities that essentially mirrored my mother’s.  Her hatred for men was entrenched in my psyche from birth.  What I was taught as a child revolved around mom being an innocent victim, and dad being the evil perpetrator.

My mother did provide me with concrete reasons (that I later discovered were lies) to hate my father.

Her most referenced myth was that he sexually molested my older brothers.  As a child I found it odd that he didn’t molest me as well, but my mother said it was because he didn’t like fat people and I was a chubby kid.  It was this fetid detour from development that would mold the confusion and desperation that prompted my next action.  I compensated for this lack of attention by making myself as sexually approachable to my father as a young boy could be imagined to.  (I know that is disturbing to think about, but this was the only environment I knew as a youngster.)  Due to the aberrational atmosphere my mother created, I literally thought that in order to get dad’s attention I essentially had to “put out” and offer him sexual favors that my mother refused to.  I was convinced it would get his attention and love.  But even though my mother explained exactly what he enjoyed sexually, and what she wouldn’t do for him in graphic “pity me” detail, my efforts were futile.

When my mother learned of this she, of course, blamed my father for “ignoring” me.  I began hating my father as well as all other “heartless men”, and my mother fed the rage.  It didn’t help matters that my two oldest brothers had molested me at a very young age and my mother’s response was “that is what men do”.  I don’t harbor resentment towards my brothers as they weren’t men at the time but that didn’t faze her.  It never fazed her that my growing sexual obsession with my father was unusual and unhealthy.  It also never fazed her to not relay sexually graphic information about her sex life to her barely-walking sons.  (Side note: She did eventually send me to therapy but not for any of these reasons.  Around the age of 12, she thought I was a danger to her because I listened to “sick and violent” music.)

I further arrested my manhood during adolescence by prostituting myself to men in order to gain self (and fatherly) approval, albeit on a subconscious level.  In order to do this I had to completely disregard my heterosexuality and essentially convince myself that I was either gay, or female.  I chose the former because certain physical traits would have proved the latter more difficult.  Not ironically, at times I did wish to be female in order to receive less torment from my mother.  Her pain over having boys was too much for her to bear at times, as her depression was deemed “all our fault”.  Knowing I was the cause of the misery that bounced back on me tenfold was too much for me to bear at times.

I was reminded time and time again how badly she wanted me to be a girl because her pregnancy with me was the “last time she stretched herself out for a fuckin’ kid”.  It was subtleties like this mixed with the occasional crypto-crossdressing she subjected me to as a toddler while repeating comments such as “you would have made such a pretty girl” that stuck with me well past adolescence.  It was surprisingly easy to take the path of male prostitution because the lies I told myself were rooted in the belief that all sex with women equaled rape as my mother had taught me, so why bother pursuing women in the first place?

Because I repressed my heterosexuality to such a debilitating level, I began to HATE women…ALL women.  My misogyny became unparalleled.  Ironically, it was the type of woman I hated the most that I unknowingly emulated in my relationships with men, both straight and gay alike.  It is no wonder why I was never “one of the guys” in the way I desperately wanted to be.  I hated women for not being approachable and I hated men for making them that way.

It wasn’t until after years of drug use, countless unsafe sexual encounters with the intention of catching AIDS (surprisingly I came out of it unscathed), and endlessly aching for a healthy connection with a woman, that I started to snap.  My emotional crashes and drug-induced physical breakdowns were occurring on a regular basis before I realized something had to change or I was going to die, voluntarily or otherwise.  I didn’t want to die without ever knowing the touch of a normal woman or a life free of my mother’s mental invasions.  I had to purge her from my life, which I eventually did.

Shortly after turning 30, I started taking responsibility for my actions, and I changed my life completely.  Cut to the present, I have since counseled and (legally) medicated myself into a more adjusted person.  I still don’t feel altogether like a man, and I suspect I never will, but it won’t stop me from trying.  I am finally able to admit that not only do I want to be male but I like being male.  That may sound trivial to most, but the metamorphosis was huge to me.  I’m not to be mistaken for one of those “reformed homosexual” cases you sometimes hear about.  I knew the whole time I was with men that I wanted to be with women but the level of hatred and disgust I had for myself kept me caged in the cell my mother had built in my head.  I hated myself for being male and for having the normal inclinations of one.  And it was easy to be a street hustler.  I knew more about sex than anything else.  In some ways, it really was what I jokingly referred to as “the family business”.  It’s like a light went off when I was a kid and I spent adulthood trying to turn it back on.

I missed out on a lot of things during my years of misandric self-enslavement.

I’ve just recently experienced what a lot of men take for granted.  I’ve taught myself much of the things I should have learned from my father, some of which are very basic life lessons.  I discovered all of the innate things men are capable of after I cleared my head of its previous female conditioning and allowed my manhood to shine through.  I started to take pleasure in things I missed out on like championing honor over turning the other cheek when it came to personal accountability.  Even little things like teaching myself how to play a sport became a liberating focus.

Now I am ready to form healthy friendships with men and I can draw on my past experiences to help men who are seemingly lost.  It’s a really good feeling.  I am nowhere near the man I wish to be, but I’m closer than I was 5 years ago.  I have never sought pity for my lot in life nor do I expect understanding.  I don’t know if there are many cases like mine in which a man in his 30’s “comes out of the straight closet” after years of sexual disorientation, but if so then maybe reading this might help them realize that they are not alone.  My story is bizarre and there is no way that in one posting I could or would drive the reader down all of the avenues leading into the locked maze of manic misandry that was my brain, but nonetheless I am honored to say that I am here among you; among the living and no longer immersed in a lifestyle of terminal self-destruction.

As for my father – I don’t really know much about him.  I’m not even sure if he is still alive.  I severed ties with my family years ago.  I believe he did his best given what he had to work with and against.  He did want to teach me how to be a man as he saw fit, but my mother prevented it with all of the fire and scorn of a self-hating narcissist.  It took years to turn the table on the real perpetrator, but once I did I was able to relieve myself of the guilt and shame of hating my mother.  It’s funny how the words “I hate my mother” shock our society yet “I hate my father” is usually received with “yeah, so do I” or “mine was an asshole too”.

I feel it is important to start sharing my story in order to shed light on the women who are not held accountable for the mental and/or physical destruction they inflict upon their children.  My mother’s anti-male brainwashing, albeit uncontrived in the sense that she wasn’t smart enough to be intentionally devious, was unprecedented.  And for what?  To have a lifetime of emotional control over her sons?  Why is it so important for so many women to have such a manipulative stranglehold on their children?  How can a woman prioritize the mitigation of her selfish insecurities over, and at the expense of, the emotional well-being of her kids?  Perhaps we may never know.  At least not until society recognizes that women are just as guilty of child abuse as men are.  Regardless, it is high time after all of these years that I give dad a break.

I’m left to wonder how many other dads out there deserve the same.

About Jade Michael

Jade Michael was inspired to submit this article after reading A Voice for Men. If you too have ideas or experiences you would like to share with our readers. please click here

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  • http://booooooooom.blogspot.com/ boxer

    A brave, honest and interesting account of a life lived in the shadow of an abusive single mom. Thanks for this one.

  • Pingback: Gender Studies: Paul Elam Style!

  • James Cook

    Brave indeed.

  • Izzey

    [img]http://avoiceformen.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/pain.jpg[/img]

    Chains

    The twilight glistens hallowed walls
    Whilst echoes whisper barren halls
    I beckon cries through lonely wrath
    Unanswered; on this shackled path

    A self-imposed imprisoned rage
    Secured inside life’s darkened cage
    I yearn to bask that light beyond
    And free my soul; this tortured bond

    Izzey

    • Izzey

      Your story touched me.
      It also made me think to put one of my poems here for you.

      I have much more to say, and need to come back later.
      You are very brave to put this here, and it is exactly why this site is so important for so many.

      Thank you.
      Izzey

      • http://avoiceformen.com admin11

        Thank you for the kind words of inspiration, Izzey. And for the poem. I’ve sensed that you and I may have some things in common just from reading your posts. Do come back later and speak your mind.

      • B.R. Merrick

        And whoever downvoted that is an idiot.

        • http://avoiceformen.com Paul Elam

          I disagree. Whoever voted that down, if they did so intentionally, is evil.

  • Keyster

    “I still don’t feel altogether like a man, and I suspect I never will, but it won’t stop me from trying.”

    Constantly TRYING to be a man, is what defines manhood my friend.
    It’s a life long series of tests and challenges that might be overcome, but never quite mastered; although transcending woman (as an omni-present force in his life), get’s one much closer. Let go of her (whether it be love or hate that bonds you), she impedes the journey to self-knowing and inner-connection. She’s just another one of the many tests, the challenges to overcome.

  • http://truthjusticeca.wordpress.com/ Denis

    My heart goes out to you Jade. These stories really put things in perspective that there are serious issues facing boys and men and a lack of societal understanding and concern.

    You have overcome so much and are making progress to be the man that you want to be. Thank you for sharing.

  • http://avoiceformen.com Paul Elam

    Jade,

    As someone who detests the idea of trying to be a man (sort of sounds like “man up,” which I really detest), let me tell you why I think you are more of a man than most.

    Courage. Not the stupid kind that leads men to fall on battlefields in the name of better commerce, or lay their necks on a chopping block for a woman’s “love,” or shove every need and dream and desire aside for life as a better appliance, but real fucking courage.

    The kind it takes to bare yourself for the sake of other men like you just did.

    We have, in the manosphere, plenty of men who will tell us how “that bitch fucked them over,” or how “the cunt took the kids and robbed them in family court,” but few, very few, that will speak past that anger and openly talk about the way they suffered suicidal heartbreak when the woman they loved broke every vow and ripped their lives, and hearts, to shreds.

    I don’t mean some fucking Oprah cry fest with group hugs and community Kleenex, but just straight up talk about their story.

    I have a lot of reasons to take pride in this website, and of the men and women who come here. The greatest of all of them today is you.

    If a man feels safe telling this kind of story here, then “A Voice for Men,” is not just some bullshit soundbite; not just a name, but a very real place where the invisible pain of men is seen, and accepted.

    I have never had so much pride in “this place,” as I do right now.

    • http://avoiceformen.com admin11

      If anything it’s your website that inspired me to share this story with you guys. Paul, your efforts here are what allowed me to feel that it is important to bring this kind of thing to light. The fact that I’m able to give you back something which further validates what you are trying to do here, is more than I can ask for. Frankly, it is YOUR bravery that has allowed myself and others to come together and get this stuff out and heard. Thank you.

    • Keyster

      “…but real fucking courage.”

      Yes, and genuine WILL.

    • Merlin

      I don’t see sound bites as bullshit Paul…

      Keyster and myself had this conversation earlier “Feminism at it’s core”

      Sometimes a few well chosen words can speak volumes, depending on the ear and eyes that take note.

      Blaise

    • Promoman

      You pretty much said it all Paul. It just goes to show how mothers can be nastier than all the abusive father & stepfather stories we hear about. Many women already have a propensity to get in the gutter by exploiting the connections they have with people after they get in their ear or because of the nature of the relationship, but these types of women are the arguably the most fucked up of the fucked up. They get Fukushima reactor fallout heinous with their fuckery. They not only abuse their children but they sabotage them in the worst way possible: They plant the seed in their children to live their lives in a self-destructive way. Of course, they wind up doing that to others, carrying on the cycle. God only knows how many of the monsters we’ve known about, know about, and those that are still under the radar in the world now because these types of women. There isn’t enough fire in Hell for them.

      Jade, you chose wisdom. It’ll be a process, but I hope you can recoup, and then some, whatever life you still have left to live.

  • !!SPARTA!!

    Wow…
    She had that kind of grip on you for 30+ years…
    at least you may still have some “Young years” left…

  • James Cook

    This bit of unsolicited advice might – or might not – be suitable for Jade, but I’m certain that it could help some men who for whatever reasons are striving to rediscover and reclaim their rightful connection with their Fathers:

    Uncles and forefathers count too. One’s Father is one of a community of fathers and brothers going back for millenia. And despite how JUST ONE WOMAN in ONE GENERATION might try – in vain – to cut you off from your forefathers, I believe that THEY would want you to know about them and reconnect with them, even if you’ve never met them, even if they’ve been “dead” for centuries.

    Therefore I recommend doing ancestral research, finding one’s forefathers and stories about their lives, as one tool among others in our MRA toolbox – or in this case, maybe it’s one of the healing potions in our medicine chest.

    In that light, I offer the following lines from the first chapter of “Farewell Britannia” by Simon Young (2007), a series of historically plausible stories about the Roman Britons of circa 50-400 AD. Through the character of a Roman-British man circa 400 AD, he writes:

    “And it was, in factg, as the fire started to tear apart the shroud of my father, revealing for the first time his face, that I decided that it fell to me, before it was too late, to preserve what I could of the history of our noble family. And to give myself courage in this task, I remembered the adage that my father had always offered to the young Atrebates before he told his stories. Namely, that the greatests adventurer is not the one who travels to places beyond the seas…rather he is the one who descends into the cellar or opens the chest where his family keeps its heirlooms; for that traveller is doubly-blessed, discovering not only unknown things, but unknown things that are already a part of him.”

    • James Cook

      Comic relief: Um, when I talk about our MRA “medicine chest”, I do NOT mean silly shit like White men pretending to be Indians! Eg, this satire by the Canadian “Kids in the Hall”, “I’ve Lost My Indian Drum!”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FtTaDNsyCY

      • James Cook

        Oh and not to “SPAM” this thread, but PS re White Mangina “Indians”, around 20 years ago – shortly after the idiotically PC movie “Dances With Wolves” came out – I was at a party where one of the guests was an upper-middle-class White Canadian, the son of a Canadian Member of Parliament. I was dressed in my conservative suit as I had been in court earlier that day; I was a trial lawyer back then. So…

        …so he looked at me and SNEERED, “Your profession is typical of this culture. LAW! If we were Native Americans, the women would all be in in another area, and we men would be drumming!”

        (My thought-balloon: “WTF? This White-Psuedo-Indian Mangina says sexual segregation is a GOOD thing, at least when minorities do it?”)

        I said to him, “Um, you admire Native American cultures, yeah?”

        He: “I LIVE them!”

        Me: “So then you DO know, don’t you, that the Native Americans had very sophisticated legal systems of their own?”

        To my mind, the punchline was when he told chastised me for eating meat. He believed that “Native American Spirituality” was vegetarian. HA! Oh God, just imagine “Chief Watermelon Hunter!”

        • ProleScum

          LOL James. Sounds like yer man had been “doing Crazy Horse”. :)

        • by_the_sword

          “He believed that “Native American Spirituality” was vegetarian. HA! Oh God, just imagine “Chief Watermelon Hunter!”

          I think he got his “Indians” Mixed up.

        • Stu

          Native American Indians vegetarian LOL. Vegetarianism is something that is only possible in a modern world. There is nearly nowhere on earth where a human being can live all year around, on what grows locally. And in anything but the modern world, you are limited to what grows locally. Vegetarians like to think of themselves a greenies too, but think of where all the food comes from. The only way that we are able to feed 7 billion people is through modern agricultural methods, and modern transport methods, and things like refrigeration and preservatives etc. All of these things, require the long chain of production from mining, chemistry, so and and so on. Also known as industrialization. The fact of the matter is that if everyone was a vegetarian……there is not enough land in the world to grow all the food needed. You can graze cattle and sheep and other animals on natural land..without fertilizers and ploughing and all the other modern innovations to increase food production. The reason meat production has become so costly in recent times is because of the practice of grain feeding…….clearing land….growing crops……to feed animals with. Pasture fed animals have a lower cost per calorie then grains and vegetables. A lot of people don’t realize that for every calorie in energy of food you consume……10 calories of energy from fossil fuels went into delivering that to your plate. Modern agriculture has become nothing more then turning oil into food. Much of the land it is grown on can’t even support crops without irrigation, pumps, artificial fertilizers etc….and could not be harvested and brought to market without modern transportation systems and refrigeration. If you just took fertilizers out of the mix….food production world wide would fall by up to 30%. fertilizers are mostly produced from natural gas. Oil powered machines to clear the land, oil powered machines to plant…..harvest….electricity for refrigeration….transportation….packaging etc etc. The green revolution was actually….and still is….the fossil fuel revolution. Much of the land we grow food on is nothing but an infertile sponge used to hold the roots of the plant in place while we artificially introduce water and nutrients via our fossil fuel powered machines and infrastructure and artificial fertilizers.

          At the very least, vegetarianism would only be possible in ancient times for sedentary people. You would have to reduce your requirement for calories and nutrition by being inactive as much as possible. Even today all the vegetarians I know supplement their diets with various nutritional supplements.

          The moral vegetarians really annoy me. Do they think that all animals that eat meat should be……what…..exterminated. Man herded prey animals into his area….and protected them from other predators…..so that he could eat them himself. He increased their breeding and produced more of these animals…..animals that would not have existed if he had not done this. If it is not cruel for a lion, or pack of wolves to brutally bring down a dear and eat it alive……then why is it cruel to breed a cow and keep that cow safe and comfortable and well fed….and kill it quickly and suddenly….without it knowing what hit it or fearing it’s death before hand. The fact is….we are just following our nature…..just as the wolf and the lion does.

          • Benjamin

            Well, most of our land is an infertile sponge, /because/ of chemical fertilizers and biocides.

            Yes, we have reduced the lands to the state where they cannot support life without our chemical help… but they would rejuvenate just fine if we left them fallow for 30 or 50 years.

            So, let’s just keep it in balance. We destroyed our land with chemistry… and now we keep it producing low-nutrient food with that same chemistry.

        • http://avoiceformen.com Tom

          Dances with Cucumbers. Not a movie I want to see.

      • Jade Michael

        I gotcha Mr. Cook. No cheesy white men trying to be Indians were referenced in my thought process. It’s funny you mention looking into one’s ancestral history. I’ve made a few brief attempts at this but unfortunately I don’t even know my paternal grandfather’s name or birthplace. I know very little of my family history in general. There aren’t many left alive who would even know at this point. It is something I am naturally curious about though.

        • James Cook

          Hey Jade, you wrote, “No cheesy white men trying to be Indians were referenced in my thought process.”

          That was obvious, no need even to be the slightest bit defensive. I agree with Paul that “this place” ought to be a place where none of us ever feel defensive; “this place” is our place of COUNTER-OFFENSE! ;-) In “this place”, we don’t defend, we ASSERT!

          And re, “unfortunately I don’t even know my paternal grandfather’s name or birthplace”, okay, since you’re interested, here are some tips to get you started:

          Well you DO know your Father’s name, and presumably his age and probably his approximate place of birth. So your first place to start, would be to find your father’s birth record. As I assume you live in an Anglosphere country (North America or UK or Aus/NZ), all of those countries have birth records open to the public, all in civil registration back to the mid-1800s, and certainly your Dad was born after 1850! ;-) So it should be easy to find your Dad’s birth record, which will tell you his father’s name.

          And then you can keep researching back from that document. As a semi-pro genealogist I can tell you it gets harder to research before the mid-1800s (especially if your ancestors immigrated from non-UK countries before c 1850), but if you’re North American or British or Aussie or Kiwi, all those countries had civil registration of births back to the mid-late 1800s, so you should at least be able to find your grandparents and maybe great-grandparents. And it won’t cost much, maybe a few dollars for each record.

          But then if perhaps some of your forefathers lived in England or Scotland (but Ireland is problematic), then both of those countries kept thorough BAPTISMAL records back to the 1500s!

          Just recently I discovered, to my delight, that my 5-times-great-grandfather was a Redcoat who fought against the Americans from 1775-1781. And I’m American, but still I’m proud to know that my forefather fought for what he regarded as his King and Country, back when Honour mattered.

          If you want more tips of genealogical research (and no this is NOT an advertisement, because I never do it for money), then I give Paul Elam permission to give you my email address. Why? Because I’m impressed by your bravery, Jade.

          • James Cook

            And a non-SPAM PS re being an American whose forefather was a Redcoat: In Winston Graham’s novel “Poldark” about an English Redcoat who fought in the American war, when he returned home to England his friends asked him:

            “What are the Americans like?” And he said, “They’re very much like us, that’s why they beat us.”

            My favourite scene from the circa 1976 BBC version of Poldark, when Captain Poldark returns home from the American War, to wake up his servant Judd: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5bCUE5P-Ow

          • Donn

            @Jade: First off,very excellent article, and very brave of you for even posting this in public, two thumbs up for me and keep pushing forward. Be proud of yourself for actually waking up, regardless of your age, as there’s men who will go to their grave fighting the princess’ battles.

            @James Cook: What would you recommend for those of African ancestry? I imagine that’d be a lot harder with the poor record keeping of slaves when records were even taken in the first place

  • Jade Michael

    Sorry guys – my dumb ass forgot to log out and back in as myself, hence the reason why my previous responses were under “Admin 11″. What a way to wreck a moment, eh? lol

  • Tim Legere

    Good Luck Jade.

  • http://www.manwomanmyth.com/video/ Perseus

    This is really, really very good. And I identify with it deeply, the parallels in our experience are startling. Thank you for it.

    • Jade Michael

      No need to thank me. If it brings something to light or makes anyone who went through similar feel just a little less awkward, then that is all the thanks I could ask for. I am interested in hearing your story, Perseus.

  • Nergal

    Wow,that’s highly fucked up.

    I don’t know,my mom was a cunt and she tried to fag me up (no offense to gays,I don’t know how else to describe it) as a kid,but I never internalized anything. I realized it was the people around me who were fucked up and not me.

    I guess I should offer both my condolences for the pain you went through and my congratulations on realizing that the problem was that you were psychologically abused, and not despicable because you’re a dude.

    It’s easy to see where guys like Charles Manson and Ed Kemper come from reading stuff like this, and why we desperately need more fathers involved with their children. This kind of psychological abuse against boys is common in single mother households. It happened to me too. If a little boy doesn’t recognize that he’s being abused, it can seriously fuck him up inside.

    This man’s testimony should be evidence of that.

    • Jade Michael

      “I realized it was the people around me who were fucked up and not me.”

      This revelation came late for me because my world was so insular as a youngster. I can definitely empathize with that statement though because once I saw what “normal” families were like I was shocked. Ironically, they made me extremely uncomfortable too. All that creepy togetherness and those “I love you’s” just gave me the heeby jeebies.

      • Promoman

        At least it came. That’s why people like that are bad news. They try to indoctrinate you into thinking you’re a good soldier by allowing them to fuck you over and that you’re the Anti Christ if you don’t drink the kool aid. The only time it’s too late to learn a lesson is when you’re dead. Many people never learn.

    • B.R. Merrick

      It’s easy to see where guys like Charles Manson and Ed Kemper come from reading stuff like this…

      Except Jade has gone the extra step and learned to be honest with himself about root cause. Utterly amazing.

  • ProleScum

    Thanks for your story Jade.

    The physical and moral self disgust fomented in boys over 30 years of mainstream misandry runs deep and wide. Anybody puzzled by the epidemic disengagement and suicide among boys and men should look no further than this.

    The influence of SAVE, AVFM, and its readers on the Filler case prove that Generation Y can re-engage with society, on our own terms, and take the fight back to the misandrists.

    Rock on, Brother.

  • Jonathan Mann

    Wow… What a story.

  • HurleyHacker

    Brother Jade,

    Thank you for your courage. If I ever come across my bio -parents I will kill them with my bare hands. I wear a mouth guard at night to prevent me from grinding my teeth off. I wasn’t fucked up like they taught me rather as you say those around me were fucked up. Now with so much personal destruction under my belt I can let it go . I do not care anymore. You found what you need .
    Thank you brother. Good luck!!

    • Benjamin

      Hurley… make a point never to come across your bio-parents.

  • reficul

    What a coincidence – I’ve just spent 4 hours on what seemed like mindless walking with almost exactly the same conclusion (minus the elloquence):

    “… shed light on the women who are not held accountable for the mental and/or physical destruction they inflict upon their children. My mother’s anti-male brainwashing, albeit uncontrived in the sense that she wasn’t smart enough to be intentionally devious, was unprecedented. And for what? To have a lifetime of emotional control over her sons? Why is it so important for so many women to have such a manipulative stranglehold on their children? How can a woman prioritize the mitigation of her selfish insecurities over, and at the expense of, the emotional well-being of her kids? Perhaps we may never know. At least not until society recognizes that women are just as guilty of child abuse as men are. Regardless, it is high time after all of these years that I give dad a break.”

    Right now I am in the process of dealing with return of my mother’s mindfucking (I moved out of my country to get away from her).

    About a year ago I cut contact with her for over 6 months and we started slowly rebuilding the relationship after that. At first it seemed like she had learned the lesson and started to understand but it didn’t last long for her to completely revert to the before-cut-off state.

    Being almost 30 I could very much identify myself with your story with the main difference being homosexuality and prostitution. But still my sexuality has been impacted much stronger I would ever expect – I had 2 attempts at sex so far (both time paid for it) – why attempts you may ask? Well, I can tell you how frustrating it is to learn you are an impotent while paying for sex… probably the most expensive humiliation you can pay for yourself…lol… and I did it twice! :D
    After all for some strange reason my erection never fails while watching p0rn ?

    Sorry guys if I am being too explicit but I just don’t give much of a damn anymore and yes why is it so bad to say “I hate my mother”? Why are they expected to have no accountability for their actions?

    Anyway I appreciate your article that came in just the perfect time for me!

    • reficul

      the reference to p0rn was meant to be sarcastic but the pseudo tag I included “ScratchMyHead” was taken as html tag and cut off.
      I know very well my impotence is psychological and not physical

    • Jade Michael

      I can relate to your post reficul. The sexual dysfunctions that follow psychological ones are certainly worth bringing up. And if your post is “TMI” for some readers, they can easily click off the page. These are things we need to talk about as men. We’re left to our own devices when it comes to solving all of our problems, but sometimes just knowing someone else is going through something similar can help that process. It’s not a case of misery loves company. It’s brotherhood in the purest sense. Thanks for “not giving a fuck”!

  • Hayden

    Really…is this the place for this. WTF? Are we all to be labeled as psychologically disturbed for participating here for posting this kind of intimate personal detail. I am sympathetic to the poster, but I don’t want a conclusion drawn that it takes a disturbing relationship with mom to open a man’s eyes to the evil of feminism.

    • reficul

      It crossed my mind and on some level you are right, I just don’t give a f*ck, sorry. No matter what you say it can always be twisted to put you in a bad light.
      It takes integrity to not use it against someone and integrity is what feminists lack so if our words are to be twisted anyway let at least some people see the reality which is just that – reality/fact.

    • http://avoiceformen.com Paul Elam

      Yes, this is the place for this. What would you prefer, that “A Voice for Men” sound loud and clear when we are talking about things within your comfort zone, but ask our brothers to “keep it on the hush” when it comes to the pain and abuse in their lives at the hands of a woman, even a mother?

      You are scared someone might conclude “that it takes a disturbing relationship with mom to open a man’s eyes to the evil of feminism.” ?

      Wow. Can I please borrow your “WTF?” and use it for this? What a hum-dinger of a vacuous concern.

      That article is a hundred times more appropriate for this website than your comment.

      I rarely use the red thumb these days, but I can’t help myself this time.

      I hope Hayden, that you come to realize that this is a place where men can bring their pain, regardless of what the source was, and regardless of any crazy conclusion others might make of it.

      • BeijaFlor

        Thank you, Paul, for voicing what I was thinking about Hayden’s WTF comment.

        And yet, I can “kinda see where he’s coming from” because I’ve grown up, and grown old, in a full and often-reinforced awareness that nobody gives a rat’s ass about my pain, but it’s my sacred karmic duty to give ear (both ears and full sympathetic attention) to theirs.

        That’s not meant to give Hayden any credit for his callousness.

      • Promoman

        Right again, Paul. What Jade did is what abusive people and assholes don’t want: Truthful exposure. Why else is it that the only time abusive people are outed it’s due to others putting them on Front Street where they rightfully belong.

    • Jade Michael

      We’re not “all” being labeled as anything Hayden. It’s one article out of a whole shitload of ‘em. I highly doubt that you or any man (or woman) on this site would be judged by MY experiences. If they are then the one casting judgment is a fool. And if anyone else chimes in saying they had similar experiences to mine then so be it. Maybe there are lessons to be learned in that.

      • Hayden

        Jade and Paul,

        I submit this single reply, and then I will bow out on this article and, if requested, any site participation other than reading. To begin with, I can actually say that I empathize with many of Jade’s experiences rather than sympathize, and I appreciate introspection and honesty as much or more than most. However, I view what Paul has created in this site, to date, as more important to the political and personal rights, safety, and well-being of all men than it is of importance as an avenue to therapeutic relief to some men with similar life experiences.

        Now, I appreciate that Paul selected the article for publication and therefore believes its content in line with the message of the site. That is his call to make, and I am just a visitor here. Also, I do see what both of you guys mean by providing a forum to explore the painful emotional experiences of men. I just disagree that this is the place for that forum any more than it is the place for WN. Like it or not, this site is heavily identified with the MRM. aVfM is influential, and I submit that the message imparted here must be as straight, clear, and powerful as a laser, without providing any information that can be used successfully by the opposition. Feminism is a crazy hate ideology with systemic support, and the idea that you can fight it by just being open and honest seems to me like wishful thinking. It will take more to bring it down. It will take strategy and forethought.

        On a personal note to Jade, I am sorry that you experienced the things you experienced, and I am glad that you have overcome the damage those experiences caused within your mind and heart. I apologize for the rough way that I worded my post in these comments, as they were obviously hurtful. I seek no divide between men here. However, I still believe that “having a problem with mom” is the exact cue that most people look for to tune out a man speaking against women or up for men. I recognize that I am alone here with this viewpoint, and as there are many intelligent contributors here, that may mean that I am wrong. That doesn’t particularly bother me, and it would not be the first time that I have been wrong or stood alone. Either way, I will leave the matter and watch as my down-votes pile up.

        • reficul

          Thumbs up from me for bringing important angle to the discussion, however…

          Is it really a good strategy to hide a suffering – isn’t it the whole point of our fight to finally have our (men’s/boy’s) problems recognized by society as a valid concern. Or do we submit to live by feminist standards where women have problems and men need to man up and stop crying? How are we to fight injustice if we don’t even articulate it – pretend it doesn’t exist.

          Where I do agree is that we need to have a strategy but I am afraid the logic itself won’t do. People are emotional creatures, not logical. Laser focused discussion I would rather leave to academics.

          Reality is a bitch and no matter how much you deny it, the bitch is still there

        • http://avoiceformen.com Paul Elam

          Understood and well stated. Up voted. But the fact is that crazy, abusive mothers might well put some men in a position to find the MRM more understandable and attractive. I look at it in the light of “Hell, yes, there are some big time problems with a lot of moms out there. And we need to talk about them.” In fact, those kinds of eww he had a bad mommy detractors will never shut me up from the subject.

          I quit caring, and I mean completely, a long time ago what anyone thinks about my motivation to pursue simple matters of justice.

          Speaking for myself personally, I can’t say loud and strong enough, when it comes to the opposition. FUCK THEM. Fuck what they think. Fuck their lame attempts to pathologize what we do. Fuck them sideways, fuck them standing and sitting.

          Just fuck them totally.

          I simply don’t care what they think of what we do or what we say and the moment I do I am selling out the mission of this site.

          I won’t shape a word I speak, or silence a voice on this site out of a reaction to the possible thoughts of the very hateful, stupid fuckwits that I want to destroy. Every rule I have here, re no violence, racism, religiosity, etc. is a statement of my own values, not a preemptive measure to reduce criticism from the morally bankrupt and mentally unemployed.

          You are not at all requested to quit commenting on this article or anywhere else here. I don’t even care if you want to continue your objections to this type of article being posted. I was just asserting my perspective to you that the type of article (1 out of over 500 on this site) IS a voice worth respecting and hearing.

          We have better fights than this, and certainly much more dangerous voices to quell.

          • Merlin

            “Speaking for myself personally, I can’t say loud and strong enough, when it comes to the opposition. FUCK THEM. Fuck what they think. Fuck their lame attempts to pathologize what we do. Fuck them sideways, fuck them standing and sitting.
            Just fuck them totally”.

            Well said Paul…

            Now that’s what I’m talking about…Couldn’t have put it better myself. I think that’s about it in a nut shell, and we should all remember that.

          • keyster

            It’s better a man’s pain be openly shared/set free, than manifesting itself in less appropriate ways.

            This is one example of the effect the political has on the personal. Individual men are reaching out and connecting, sharing like experiences. They’re finding they aren’t alone anymore, in their dispair and confusion.

            How can that be bad?

        • Jade Michael

          Hayden, I up voted this yesterday when I first read it. I really didn’t have anything to say in response because it made me think a lot about what you said. Now that I’ve had time to think about a response, I’ll say that I do understand your very valid point. I do not wish to detract from “the fight” in any way, shape or form. If my post did that in any way for you then I offer you a personal apology as I would never want to be the cause of anyone refraining from posting/commenting on this site as you alluded to.

          But I can’t feel any sort of remorse or guilt as a whole because all I really wanted was to perhaps help liberate someone else from going through something similar. I care about my brothers in arms and if bringing to light any issues they are secretly dealing with helps them get past said issues, then that is what was important to me.

          But your response did give me plenty to think about for any future posts I may submit for approval on this site. Thank you for that, Hayden.

          • Turbo

            Jade, please do not think too much before posting another article. I take Hayden’s point but I completely disagree with him. Femos will twist whatever we say anyway, forget it.

            You said
            “but nonetheless I am honored to say that I am here among you”

            I say
            We are honored to have you here.

            Whatever it takes “to be a man” I think you have it by the truckload mate.

  • ProleScum

    I’ve had a very similar experience to yourself Reficul. And I too wear a bite guard!

    The shame and self disgust goes deep doesn’t it. Surviving the hormonal storm of youth at least allows us to reflect and start disassembling all the bullshit.

  • Donn

    OT: Discussing the issue of female refeeres over at the mma forum sherdog for anyone interested, sure enough it turned into bashing the author for being a “chauvinist” who was most likely “rejected repeatedly by all women he approached”, classic white knightism, but atleast one other poster is backing me up to combat misandry, a fighter no less:

    http://www.sherdog.net/forums/f2/article-female-ufc-referees-1699471/index2.html#post55052609

    • Nergal

      “but atleast one other poster is backing me up to combat misandry, a fighter no less:”

      Sweet.

      Keep it up. It may be slow and painful at first, but eventually you’ll make some headway and then it’s self-sustaining.

      Manginas are even worse than feminists,but if somebody can come up with a way to persuade them (impervious to both logic and shame, holy conundrums,Batman), we can crack this bitch quicker than a feminist can abort a baby.

  • Colette

    My fellow commenters may wince, but I don’t care. Jade, with the beautiful name and the beautiful soul, you’ve been through a hell no human should have to suffer, yet so many do. But you’ve survived. That took incredible strength of will. Never forget that strength and courage is with you always. I wish you lots of laughter, love, and an intimacy that makes you happy on your journey through life. All the best!

    • Jade Michael

      No wincing here. I appreciate the well wishes, Colette. I’m actually pretty darn well these days. Most people who know me now wouldn’t guess that I’ve been where I have. It’s all gone. It’s in the past. Ever forward…

      Besides, many have had it worse than I ever did.

      • Colette

        You don’t wince at the word beautiful LOL. My nephews have made it very clear that guys don’t like to be associated with the word beautiful. But I can’t help it because they are beautiful. They don’t believe me yet when I say there is more to the word beautiful than just physical features. Maybe when I tell them your story they’ll understand what I mean.

        • reficul

          I wince… you come here reading the accounts of men suffering the results of emasculation by their mothers and your answer to this is: teach your nephews they are beautiful!!!

          Sorry I don’t buy it…

          • Colette

            No, what I read in Jade’s story was his ability to overcome the horrors of his past, to see the positive in his life now. And it took a lot of strength and just plain guts to step out of that hell. My nephews, young men in their 20s, need role models to face the world for what it IS not how we all wish it could be. They need to know that bad things happen to people and those that survive are just as beautiful, if not more, because they’ve been made stronger. Yes Beautiful and I absolutely buy it!

  • Eff’d Off

    Thank you for your post.

    The content is astounding and your the guts to write it staggering.

    I for one come here like we do to learn about issues that hunt us from our sleep and cause our days to be of suffering from small to great. Here though today I read your post and do believe just that bit more of my resolve.

    The post here is in itself a stated contingency of such hellish proportion it hurts to gather it in my mind.
    To have it part of me for real as you have I can’t begin to understand. Your response to it I can however and your bringing it here begs our being in your debt.

    One day, and I cannot believe otherwise, we will all gather and reflect on these terrible times of dissonance between both halves and gape at what actually occurred. Today we do this when we picture a terrified man set apon by a wild beast in the middle of an arena of delighted spectators. We wonder how it was possible for happy crowds to gather with glassy eyes under a tree draped with the swinging corpses of black folk.

    The house of misandry cannot remain as it is. It is inherently incapable of sustaining it’s own life when half of it’s delegated and needed players are it’s enemy. I absolutely think it cannot be anything else – it is beginning to wither.

    I’ll tell you this also Mr Michael: It’s your words here, your voice in fact that is so very much needed to bring about it’s inward decay. We are all part of it here in that we consume it, and it’s posts like these that make for a faster collapse of this stinking souffle.

    I am hoping my thoughts here have let you know why I am in your debt and payment to you, myself and all others is to press on unremittingly.

  • http://avoiceformen.com J3DIforce1

    This one made me cry for reasons I have no courage to explain, not yet. But know this one struck me with a wind of relief. Thank you so much for this article.

  • Keyster

    “Well, I can tell you how frustrating it is to learn you are an impotent while paying for sex… probably the most expensive humiliation you can pay for yourself…lol… and I did it twice!”

    That happened to me.
    Erections aren’t like flipping a switch, especially when you’re in a strange place, strange woman, watching the clock. I started taking vgra just as an insur policy and it worked out nicely after that. I also screened for GFE’s or those versed in “girl friend experience” protocol. Sadly, they were some of the most authentic women I’ve ever met. The agenda was always quite clear.

  • http://www.staresattheworld.com Aurini

    Good lord… my heart goes out to you, brother.

    I really can’t complain about my folks; they divorced, but my mother initiated it for some rather legit causes. I’m 29 now, and though I understand my father, he is – quite frankly – an asshole. Part of the reason for the divorce was for the kids, and she never trash talked him when we were growing up.

    But nevertheless:

    Growing up in a household without a father figure was tough; having a father who was abused by his own mother, and who never taught me how to be a man, was also tough. I went through similar struggles, but nowhere near the level that you experienced them. Even with the best of efforts, a mother can’t replace a father.

    Thank you for sharing this.

  • Johnny

    A moving testimony and one we can all learn from- the lesson of breaking past what the world expects and beginning to live from your own center. Here’s a quote from Joseph Campbell which captures my feelings about the above article:

    “We have not even to risk the adventure alone, for the heroes of all time have gone before us — the labyrinth is thoroughly known. We have only to follow the thread of the hero path, and where we had thought to find an abomination, we shall find a god; where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves; where we had thought to travel outward, we shall come to the center of our own existence. And where we had thought to be alone, we shall be with all the world.”

    Cheers

    • keyster

      “…where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves;”

      Meaning our INNER demons, our fears and burdens…through in part forgiveness of “another”, not for their sake, but for yours.

  • scatmaster

    OT: Once again dudes and Paul. Please accept my humble apologies.Having said that here is a mainstream media report on that guy who recognized that his future ex-whore was trying to trap him. The website you are about to see has a headline that makes it look like the husband is planning to take the kids and murder her.

    FUCK YOU SYMPATICO!!!!

    Woman creates fake Facebook profile and uncovers ex-husband’s fantasy murder plot

    http://www.sync-blog.com/sync/2011/06/woman-creates-fake-facebook-profile-and-uncovers-ex-husbands-fantasy-murder-plot.html

    No fucking wonder we have an uphill battle.

  • andybob

    Jade, you wrote of your painful experiences without a shred of self-pity. This shows that you have the kind of inner resources that will enable you to successfully master your past and control the demons that lurk there.

    Sharing your story brings the contradictions between feminist propaganda and harsh reality into sharp focus. The mother-worshipping culture in which we are steeped enables evil women like your mother to lurk unnoticed and umpunished. Those who benefit from this corruption will seek to silence and sideline you, perhaps even try to blame you for all of this. As Mr Elam says, “Just fuck them totally.” Speaking out, as you have done, has helped to do that. So has your decision to take control, get well and come out fighting.

    Good for you.

  • B.R. Merrick

    Holy shit. Where was I this weekend?

    I still don’t feel altogether like a man, and I suspect I never will, but it won’t stop me from trying. I am finally able to admit that not only do I want to be male but I like being male. That may sound trivial to most, but

    … not to B.R. Merrick. That’s as far as I’ve gotten. I don’t even know what the conclusion is, or whether I will see things the same way, but man oh man oh man…

  • B.R. Merrick

    I don’t know if there are many cases like mine in which a man in his 30’s “comes out of the straight closet” after years of sexual disorientation, but if so then maybe reading this might help them realize that they are not alone.

    Your case is not unusual. It embodies what I have come to believe: Human sexuality is a big, huge mystery.

    I know men in mid-life who have only finally determined that they are gay. These are not always men who experimented with other guys growing up; even cheating on their wives with other women; and not sexually molested as you were.

    Your story is profoundly moving.

  • Migu

    You are a brave man. Respect.

  • Opt-out

    You are a brave man and your story is heartfelt. The narcissist is so closely resembling evil that most lack the ability to view them as human, I know I can’t any longer. What drew me to the study of NPD and eventually brought me here was quietly witnessing accusations of false rape by a mother while the daughter admittedly denied it ever happened. She would beg to see her father but the damage was done. The father’s life ruined already, mission accomplished. He had no choice but to become absent or lose his freedom altogether. Many people came to his defense but it did not seem to matter. They will probably regard him as a dead beat dad, those sick mother fuckers. You have my respect and admiration. I feel I had family that tried to protect me as a child; they just didn’t know which predators to protect me from. As I aged I also believed the indoctrination of society while suffering greatly and denying the problem existed. The softer sex is not innocent, just protected. A practice we all hope to undo going forward. Be well.

  • Clyn Louise

    I am so sorry for what your crazy mother did to you. You deserved and still do deserve the best life possible!

  • http://none Atlas Reloaded

    Very late in commenting-but that is the most coyurageous thing I have ever read from an MRA. Thanks Jade.

  • Introspectre

    I have to apologize, I feel, for not reading your article until now Jade. You’ve shown serious character in revealing something so personal here and I’m honored to call you a brother.

    Btw, it’s good that you became a musician, you know why.

  • http://avoiceformen.com KARMA MRA MGTOW

    Crazy, abusive mothers/women and feminist apologists combined push men towards the MRM sometimes.

    My mates feminist wife will nearly always have an excuse for bad female behavior, unless it is directed towards her.Like ALL feminists she is a hypocrite in the extreme.

    Funny thing is she is a minister in the Uniting Church of Australia!Not a very christian approach to the truth.

  • Carlos

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I believe that one of the most important steps we can take to address the dangers that face those who happen to be born male is to, not just acknowledge that we do have emotions and feelings, but allow ourselves to express them. Men suffer in silence and that silence, not only amplifies the suffering, but it prevents it from ending. ‘

    Worst of all, that silent suffering allows misandrists to say men do not suffer.

    There’s been a flurry of recent feminist activity around whether or not women can “have it all.” The underlying presumption being that men have always had it all. For men, leaving behind their children to work 12 hours a day is, supposedly, not a sacrifice.

    Men’s pain can be invisible no longer. We owe it to ourselves, to our brothers, our fathers and our sons to create a world where boys can cry.

  • kiwihelen

    Very late response, I have been honoured to be a part of my SOs journey to reclaim the memory of his father from his mother’s misandry.
    To sit listening to the stories of his father and his fathers family, told by his late uncles male partner of 50 years, was a privelage.
    I saw him grow in strength and stature as he began to understand his own masculine energies in the light of the real stories of his father.
    My sadness is his 3 older brothers are too afraid to question the stories and have marginalised him for daring to comment on the Naked Empress.

  • MarkofWisdom

    Your story is one that is both tragic and inspiring-you’ve taken your awful childhood and life and been able to muster the will to realize what a horrible situation it was and how you figured into it, and on how to get yourself out of it-and cutting contact with your mother was probably one of the most important steps-it cut off the flow of hatred and let you start to reorient yourself and be able to focus and improve yourself and take control and responsibility for your own life-that is true empowerment, not the bullshit privilege that feminists try to claim for women. I know firsthand what it feels like to be drowned in hatred and feel like you are dead inside, though for me it wasn’t for 30+ years and thankfully wasn’t my parents or family(which can’t be changed) but was my first, most likely last, and thank Christ now ex girlfriend. She was absolutely insane and incredibly spiteful-without going into too much depth over our two year relationship she successfully drove away all my friends and made me hate and distrust my family, forbid me from doing anything I enjoyed and forced me to do her bidding and satisfy her every whim. I had to sacrifice myself and my well being and health to satisfy her whims, and if I was ill and couldn’t be her driver or patsy? Well then I was a “worthless lazy bum who obviously didn’t love her”. After two years of this and getting steadily more and more unstable and losing more and more of myself I finally snapped after she raped me-it opened the floodgates and I finally admitted to myself what I had known all along-she was a horrible person and I was in an extremely abusive relationship. I was finally able to break up with her, end the cycle of depression, pain and self loathing and finally begin healing and recovering from the damage she caused.
    You are an incredibly brave person to post such personal details and an inspiration for taking control of your life and not letting your past or upbringing control and define you.