Donglegate

Memo to my geek guy employees: Avoid these words

Gentlemen:

I know that a lot of you have reacted with fear and revulsion concern over the “donglegate” feminist imbroglio empowerment exercise. I know you are looking askance at the female geeks in your midst, the ones you used to enjoy working with, the ones you used to trust, the ones who told you they just wanted to be treated like one of the guys, the ones who you thought just wanted to succeed on their own merits, the ones who covered your ass faults when you needed it, the ones you did all that work for when she was on her period so oppressed by the patriarchy that she didn’t feel like working for a week a culture that promotes rape crimes against the vagina-born wimminz, and the ones you once counted as friends.

Most of you are clamming up around disassociating yourselves from your female coworkers and while it is permissible for a woman to retreat from a hostile environment created by men, when the hostile environment created by women is discomfitting to backwards men, your departure is a premature ejaculation & withdrawal a rude, abusive and unacceptable response to an impossible a difficult but manageable situation, and we urge you to “man up” or face the consequences.

There is a technique to deal with these feelings and you need to learn it so that you can keep your fucking jobs protect your employment and keep your marriage domestic partnerships and your children putative or nominal offspring alive: its called, walking on eggshells respecting a woman’s comfort and feelings about certain words and technical terms spoken in our industry and in her presence.

As part of our commitment to bend over and take it up the ass from every dildo-strap-on-wielding feminist bitch who wakes up in a bad mood our valued and vulnerable liberated female employees, our feminist slavemaster Adria Richards Human Resources Department has compiled a list of troublesome micro computer aggressions and a description of how some crazed harpies reasonable women might find them a vicious chance for worldwide shaming and attention-whoring objectionable.

Some examples from the list:

“computer” – a woman’s stupidity sensitive ears and deep womanly understanding render this as “come-put-her”, as is in “hey, guys! come-put-her down while we whip out our large dongles!” From now on, the correct term will be “Ada Machine”.

“cable” – this is a sexist term that suggests the male sexual organ and so it is always hurtful to women and their beautiful lady parts. From now on, the correct term will be “umbilicus”, except in the case where some sort of severing or cutting is contemplated: it is okay to chop off a cable, but one can only attach an umbilicus.

“RAM” – filling a come-put-her with extra RAM denotes a violent act used to hurt and oppress women. From now on, the correct term will be “anniversary reminders”.

“ROM” – see “RAM”.

“forking” – the delicate ears of women hear this as a portmanteau of “foreplay” and “fucking”. From now on, the correct term will be “adopting”, and the evil phrase “forking his repo” should be rendered as “adopting her ideology”.

“hardware” – the delicate ears of women hear this as an erect penis in a war on women. From now on, the correct female-friendly term will be “happy shoes”.

“software” – the delicate ears of women hear this as an flaccid penis disobeying a ravenously horny woman’s demands for penetrative sex. From now on, the correct female-friendly term will be “new shoes”.

“freeware” – the delicate ears of women hear this as a sale at DSW. This term should only be whispered to a woman so she can get there first.

“monitor” – a monitor is a type of lizard, which is suggestive of the male sex organ, which is oppressive to women. From now on, the correct term will be “bright eye thingy”.

“thingy” – a woman’s-only term for the penis. Men should instead say “ummmmmm”.

“mouse” – eek! Kill it!

“Python” – a Python is a snake, which is oppressive to woman. Don’t use this for anything.

“Java” – a Java is a drink served by oppressed secretaries to their male bosses, AND a reminder of the elevator assault on Rebecca Watson. Don’t use this for anything.

“C++” – C++ means “Cunt plus Oral plus Anal”, a brutal evaluation of women’s utility in programming. Don’t use this for anything.

“Motherboard” – this term implies that women are only valued when they give birth. From now on, the correct term will be “empoweredbroad”, except when it has problems, and then “manboard” is acceptable: “Oops, this manboard is fried. Let’s ask a woman to replace it with an empoweredbroad.”

“term” – the word “term” is related to pregnancy (“carried to term”), which is a process the patriarchy uses to suppress both women’s wages and her access to free abortions. From now on, the correct term for “term” will be “word”.

“compiler” – delicate lady ears hear this as a threat to “come pile [on] her”. From now on, the correct word will be “interpreter”.

“interpreter” – delicate lady ears hear this as a threat to “enter pretty her”. From now on, the correct words will be “make it go”.

“laptop” – delicate lady ears hear “lap” as a reference to the vaginal area, and “top” as dominant sexual partner. Taken together, these terms oppress women. From now on, the correct word will be “baby Ada Machine” unless the lady is experiencing fertility issues, in which case the words “re-sized Ada Machine” may be used instead.

“Spreadsheet” – delicate lady ears hear this as a vile sexual position on a well-made bed, both of which are oppressive to women. From now on, the correct words will be “math is oppressive for everyone”.

“Systems analyst” – delicate lady ears hear this as a threat to sista’s in STEM fields to be anally raped. From now on, the correct word will be “smarty”.

“worms” and “virus” – delicate lady ears can’t handle the fears these words create in their lady brains. Don’t say them at all.

“rights” – this is a term word that only ladies are allowed to use. Men have no rights to “rights”.

The full list of 113,000 entries is available in corporate headquarters. All male employees will be expected to have mastered this list at birth.

About August Løvenskiolds

Once he stumbled onto GirlWritesWhat's videos, August Løvenskiolds, aka The Bibo Sez, started eating red pills like they were tic-tacs. He likes debating feminists, but knows this stage will pass soon enough.

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  • Booyah

    Hard drive has rapey culture overtones. This should also be reclassified as digital papyrus. Of course digital could have overtones of unwanted harassment by digits or fingers. Hmmm this is harder than i thought. Perhaps Ada machine post it note enhancer?

    Great article August. Nice catch on spreadsheet. That abuse via logic is very nasty but subtle stuff.

  • http://shiningpearlsofsomething.blogspot.com Suzanne McCarley

    Priceless. Please tell me you have already tweeted this to Ms. Richards!

  • http://forums.avoiceformen.com/showthread.php?tid=451 dhanu

    Hilarious. (Hope this is acceptable if it sounds like “Hilary us”, which to the Africans would mean “Circumcise us”.)

  • cvar

    I cracked a rib from laughing at this holy shit.

  • Near Earth Object

    I think that August had extra fun with this article. :)

    • August Løvenskiolds

      I had to force myself to stop writing – I finally had to sleep, and the list of things that feminists might take offense to is endless.

      • Max Cade

        I’m very grateful for your blast of righteous humour August. This stuff can weigh us down and a hilarious piece like this is like a ski lift!

        :-D

      • scatmaster

        I find feminists offense (ive).

      • Near Earth Object

        When someone—feminists in this case—seeks to be offended, then the list is endless, as you have pointed out. All of this being the case, evidently and in spades, the time for compromise and cooperation is over.

        Hell hath no fury like a man sucker punched by feminism.

  • JedaChz

    That was a fun read.

    The very common XML data format is also completely unacceptable. It can be heard as X-MaLe which is discriminatory to say the least. Also the X could then imply anything and a woman could interpret XML as positive masculinity or worse, another sexual innuendo.

    No, what we need today is affirmative action, so the format should be renamed FML, Fe-Ma-Le, that way there is no possible confusion.

    • Booyah

      That actually works quite well because it also stands for “fuck my life” for men who work in these toxic environments :)

  • Max Cade

    Absolute CLASSIC. I use caps to comply with Kimski’s directive on Enthusiastic Assent ;-)

  • Never Blue Again

    :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

  • Max Cade

    ” they just wanted to be treated like one of the guys, the ones who you thought just wanted to succeed on their own merits, the ones who covered your ass faults when you needed it”

    Surely this should be ‘whose asses you covered”?

    • Falcor

      I think he may have been trying to imply that most women are actually valuable, and [s]idiot feminists like[/s] Adria Richards are the exception.

      EDIT: That’s supposed to be a line. I guess the comments don’t support BBC tags.

      • Kimski

        “Idiot” is a derogatory term, most commonly used about women by the patriarchs of the 50′s.

        The new version henceforth will be “Idjit”. Note that the “O” has been removed, to make it more gender neutral.

        “Adria” was suggested to the board as a substitute, but eventually dismissed, btw.

    • http://www.deanesmay.com Dean Esmay

      “Covering” someone’s “ass” implies you’re “topping” someone in a sexual encounter, you patriarchal assholes. Cut it out!

  • Kimski

    I’ll be in the corner for the rest of the day, trying to fight sudden outburst of hysterical laughter, just in case Big Sister is watching.

    “the ones you used to enjoy working with, the ones you used to trust, the ones who told you they just wanted to be treated like one of the guys”

    Welcome to the post-feministic apocalypse of the working environment, guys.
    Hope you’ll enjoy slaving your lives away without the possibility of lightening the work burdens with a joke or a smile, because ‘someone’ with a fragile ego and the self-esteem of an immature teenager, just might perceive it as harassments or threats.

  • Falcor

    Hmm, if C++ is “Cunt + Oral + Anal,” does that mean C# is empowering womyn, like “Cunt’s sharp?” And obviously there is no such thing as “Objective C.”

    • Kimski

      “And obviously there is no such thing as “Objective C.”

      I respectfully disagree.
      This is all about “Objective C.” and has been so for the past 60 years.

  • Kimski
    • TigerMan

      Good call Kimski – just registered so i can drop in my 2 cents worth thus (in case it gets post moderated!):-

      I heartilly welcome this initiative it well past due it’s time. Mike Buchanan is a rare voice of reason in a political climate dominated by feminist ideas that has long ago abandoned reason in favour of emotionalism and ideology.
      Far from being a dinosaur as “Alipeeps” suggests Mike Buchanan has done his homework and does not think ALL women prefer not to work. He just registers the fact that a much greater number of women than men PREFER the option to take time out to raise families.
      It is not a radical notion that one major reason that women don’t reach the very top as often as men is indeed to do with women’s more frequent preference to be stay at home parents.
      Finally whilst it is true that there are far more men in parliament than women that doesn’t mean women’s interests are being relatively neglected in fact quite the opposite is the case!
      As Mike said on the radio show men pay 70% of the tax which funds the state and yet government spending on men’s issues compared to women’s is a fraction and that includes health spending too.
      As for sexism – no one seems to mind when men and fathers are routinely mocked, humiliated (if not physically attacked) in advertisements, dramas and films. Let the same be done with female lead characters and there would soon be a hue and cry.
      Mainstream feminism robs women of their own agency and treats them like children whilst it treats men with contempt by heaping as much assumed malice upon their heads as they can get away with.
      This intellectual rot promoted by modern feminism needs to be challenged in the interests of true egalitarianism and not the total sham version promoted by mainstream feminism.

      • Kimski

        Thank you, Tigerman.
        I registered to comment on ‘Alipeeps’ “equal rights and equal opportunity”-reply to David Cameron’s announcement to use all-women shortlists to select candidates for office. Just like with OHPC the comment disappeared, but I would really have liked to know how that goes hand in hand with the “equality” the idjit went on about?

        Sorry for going OT on your thread, Mr.Lionshield. You did a great job here, but they do make easy targets of themselves, don’t they?

        • TigerMan

          I sent my comment as “lenfirewood” and so far (touch wood) it is still there. Annoying though that Alipeeps rant is allowed to stand whilst other challenging his\her bs are being modded out.

    • OneHundredPercentCotton

      They must be censoring – my comment disappeared.

  • Murray Pearson

    Where’s the definition for “import this”?

  • http://www.avoiceformen.com Dr. F (Ian Williams)

    August Løvenskiolds.

    You know, I was reading this fine article and I was constantly reminded that it looked like a leaked UFO document from the 1950′s.

    All those strikes and the new way for the government employees to speak and write and yes, to think.

    Thanks.

    Weird and short and wanted like a strange drunkenly scrawled note from your tax-collector that he will ignore you this year. Just for fun too.

  • http://feministlies.wordpress.com/ Theaverageman

    Holy shit this is one of the funniest articles I’ve read in a while.
    5/5

  • http://none universe

    Awww, do I have to learn these new words now? Took me 20 years to figure out the old ones. (ON button? WTF is this?)

    Seriously though, were you once a writer for Seinfeld or even C.K. Louis? (I could see a good script running out of this).

    • August Løvenskiolds

      I’ve got a colorful list of dead-tree articles and letters, and I was briefly ranked in the top 20 North American Slam Poets back in the 1990′s (just before the feminists took over Slam poetry). I’ll have to write about that sometime.

  • The Real Peterman

    “serial”–what, you think a woman is only good for serving breakfast?
    “parallel”–can’t you think of anything other than a woman’s pair (of breasts)?
    “flash drive”–oh now you’re one of those people who thinks all women drive too fast. You’re fired!

    • Kimski

      Let me guess, but “parallel parking” is out too, right?

      :D

    • Carlos

      Motherboard – “Raises the specter of sexist stereotypes that claim women should be barefoot and pregnant.”

  • Phil in Utah

    Really fun to read, Auggie. I remember in Full Frontal Failure Feminism, Jessica Valenti said “A feminist’s work is never done.” That was quite telling to me; it means they’ll never stop thinking up discovering ways in which women are hypersensitive oppressed.

    • August Løvenskiolds

      Feminism is like a diamond mine wherein the diamonds never give out as long as you shed enough of men’s blood to keep the rocks moving.

      The MHRM turns their diamonds into dust and keeps the blood flowing in the hearts of men, where it always belonged.

  • Robert St. Estephe

    This is a useful guide to Sex-Stupid Workplace.

    For full mastery of the brave new world, I might add some other “inappropriate:” words that create a “hostile environment” because they are “hurtful”:

    Honesty, honor, integrity, maturity, resonsibility, truth, facts, evidence, logic, reason.

    Above all, avoid any phrases which touch on “keeping one’s word” (in agreements and contracts).

    May your re-education be deeply enriched with social justice, comrade!

    • Near Earth Object

      Flash Back … Flash Back to the Radical Feminist Indoctrination Centre … Flash Back.

      For me, Robert, it is more than “inside information”. You write as if you were there—at the R.F.I.C.

  • JFinn

    lmao … lmMFao …

  • Ken

    This is a great article………
    It was nice to have a good laugh……

    The more I start to understand just how deep the rabbit hole goes…….

    ………The harder it is to read about these utterly depraved feminiswine without feeling like I want to puke.

    How did such evil ever take root so far under the radar?

  • All Contraire

    ““mouse” – eek! Kill it!…..”

    The following has been around for years, but now can only be repeated in this and other men friendly forums. Anywhere else it would raise a furor of feminist protests and “eeky” demands for exterminators to come forthwith and get rid of all the offensive discriminatorily-equipped patriarchal mice.

    This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees in all seriousness [well, maybe not 'all']…..It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine [and witty in how to have fun fooling the pc censors]. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially at the caution against “excessive handling…” and at the last three sentences.

    MEMO: If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

    • August Løvenskiolds

      Back in the day, I actually cleaned my mouse balls regularly. It was a twist-off foremouse model, and I soaked the ball in a gentle alcohol bath to loosen the accumulated schmutz as I used a cotton swab to tease away the build-up at the delicate contact points of the mouse’s interior. After massaging the foreign matter free from the ball, a refreshing blast of canned air dried the newly clean parts, which were carefully reassembled, good as new.

      • All Contraire

        Aha, another “happy customer”…..

        It’s no wonder that AVfM and the MHRM are growing exponentially around the world; they’re safe places for real men. Over at NOMAS, Goodmen, Futrelle, the Strong Men and Kappa Sigma Fraternity at UM, and their ilk across America those unhappy mousy guys’ balls are all out on display nailed to the trophy walls of the Rat Queen Womyn’s groups they kowtow to.

  • 4thtroika

    I love it!

  • murphy

    This is by far the best commentary i’ve read so far on donglegate. You get my thumbs up August.

  • Manalysis

    Hi,

    and if you don’t obey, they go on a Slot Walk.

    … ah ah … arghhh …

    M.

  • http://pinterest.com/zetapersei/male-privilege/ Perseus

    Total incineration

    A masterpiece and brilliant

  • Carlos

    Literally LMAO!!

    One of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time.

  • limeyface

    Astonishingly childish. And this is a voice for men?

    LOL.

    • Near Earth Object

      Amazingly acidic.

      And you are a feminist.

      no need for a ?
      I could tell by your happy face

      LMAO

    • http://pinterest.com/zetapersei/male-privilege/ Perseus

      Unlike your avatar, astonishingly bitchface.

      You got something against kids, cuntlips? Fucking kid hater. I fucking hate fucking child haters. Typical fucking feminist cuntlips. Get fucked, shitbag. Children rule !

    • Max Cade

      A capacity for satire is childish now is it? Ok. So I guess that the total lack of this facility in feminists such as yourself makes you oh, so, very grown up.

      Just like your ever-so-mature avatar!

      Have a nice day Little Miss Tantrum!

    • August Løvenskiolds

      Hey, thanks to feminists, even a 4-year-old boy can be called a rapist – you know, those men who use their vast power to intimidate all women?

      Who is laughing now?

  • Datte Hakamura

    Hilarious