Bourne kitchen’s burn

I’m no rich bastard but I’m wealthy in other ways. In fact, those that know me on the other side of the monitor will tell you that I am one of those chaps who take an unusual delight and joy in the world around me in many ways. For free mind you.

A great pleasure of mine is to take a walk around my neighbourhood and take in the rush of life around me or its intriguing slowness. The soft fluffy gardens of the houses, the piquant smells of newly dropped eucalypt bark as it warms in the sun and the sounds of people going about their way doing as they do on their streets. There is another pretty suburb quite close to where I live, and it has all those things I mentioned just now and I am very glad I do not live there.

You see, if I took a walk along the streets of Clifton Hill my walk would be wrecked. Even if I avoided seeing that thing that wrecked my walk, it would still be wrecked in the same way you cannot relax in a hammock if you know that there’s a big spider somewhere in the tree above you.

Unlike a spider, a great can of bug-spray won’t “fix” the poster that Bourne’s Kitchen’s paid an advertising company to produce. It’s a poster for mums to playfully tap their blokes on the arm and giggle, “It’s you silly.” It’s a poster for a sassy on-the-go chick with pink patinerd chrome balls to whip her fist in the air as she drives past with a “You HONK go HONK girl! HONK-HONK.” (It goes great with “Who let the Dogs out.”)

My real problem is not with those folks with brains that have been air-brushed in, but with the little kid who tugs on the leg of the “dog” and says “Hey Dad. “Look up at the window. Is that you dad?”

One can only imagine how lonely dad must feel when asked such a question. Who does he talk to when he is another sheep dipped in a shame that only misandry gives? What makes it worse is that dad, more likely than not, will be shamed in a way without focus. Without any words he could ever hear, there is a curious dialogue in his mind. “There it is again, that unremitting throb of pain. It’s louder this time.”

There is nothing more divisive than a pain with no finish. It takes us from our families and our friends and it always isolates us in the end. Make no mistake about this, a pain that never breaks will always bring loneliness, and in a world where undiagnosed misandry slams as hail, men can be robbed forever and well beyond any poverty.

Back to the kid asking his dad about the misandric poster in Clifton Hill. Now under the circumstances it’s a fair question and it needs to be answered, and if not by dad who has been thrown into this disgrace, then by BK who did not stall when their printer chugged and spat out this massage, message. So I’ll ask them because they can give the answer.

To Bourne’s Kitchen – Is the image of a simpering, ineffectual and lazy unshaved male the image you see as dad?

Pretty simple question you bet. I suspect the outcome will be just as it would be for someone at SETI. There will be no answer at all, or a very complex one. While we sit back and hear the static from the ether we can ask ourselves some questions that BK’s marketing team missed on purr-pous.

After the viewing our poster of a woman roughing up her man-person-thing (MPT):
1 – “Would any MPT want go into your display kitchen?”
2 – “Why would a MPT want to leave your competitor?”
3 – “How does this appeal to the average MPT?”
4 – “Who does this appeal more to? the young MPT or the older MPT?”
5 – “Will this cause dissatisfaction with some valued customers?”

Those five questions (that absolutely must have been asked by the marketing team) I can answer with four, “I dunnos” and one Yes”. Take a guess Bourne Kitchen where the outstanding answer is. If you still can’t figure it out I suggest you think about it to the tune of, “One of these things is not like the other.” while playing “I Spy” as a contingency plan.

Please know, that while the team in your dispatch office are fist-ramming cinnamon swirls in their gobs between Tetris and the out-tray, that many MPTs out there looking at your vertical slices of misandry are blushing not in shame but in anger. Catch up. You’re supposed to be the ones telling us what we want, not us telling you what we don’t want after you have produced it.

A question BKs marketing team did not ask is this,

“If a MPT is annoyed at our advertising campaign will they crack open their wallet inside our kitchen display or outside our kitchen display?”

Their website is a fruit salad of tastes and colours and it looks pretty good if you only flip by it. If you stay for more than eight seconds as I did you won’t forget the double whammy of the bathroom. A picture of a toilet revolves on an image carousel and the words with it tell more about their business than any crapper my bum ever shook hands with. “Hurry. Become a V.I.P customer and get the royal treatment.” That bit is for the blokes and this next bit lower down on the image is for their women customers, “Hurry. Become a V.I.P. Customer for a chance to win 1 of 10 Jurlique Body Pamper Packages.” I’m being sexist I admit. I mean who am I to make the assumption that blokes are not into pampering packages? (Come to think of it, I’m pretty pumped about a free voucher I got from the “Nail Wax and Polish While-You-Sip-From-A-Cocoanut” salon on my street.) I still do wonder about who BK is really targeting and why.

It seems to fit that their target sex is female. After all there is an image of a feisty woman giving a man an ultimation and damn! There I go again. I just made another sexist assumption. Please forgive me as I gave away my large plasma TV only three years ago and all those missages messages for women on the entertainment shows, and news segments, and magazine shows, and documentaries, and films, and advertisements, and community announcements are still with me. Let’s face it, Women beating on men is hot because everyone says that women beating on men is hot.

Ok, so big deal. So what if BKs target demograph is women? That rhetorical question I’ll answer anyway with a great big fat arsed:

“It matters when the collateral damage of your advertising campaign is the quiet shame felt by men who accidentally consume their images.”

Alright, that’s it for now. I’ll step down from my soap box and use what’s inside it for a long hot shower (not one of yours BK) before going to bed, but before I do I leave this last thought and it’s addressed to me and you who consume too much eye-and-ear filth. And as for the Bourke Kitchens out there who produce so little richness for a poor man’s world? You can read over the shoulders of the good men who have kept you in business for 25 years.

Dear Man,
I know that sometimes you hurt like hell as I do, and I know the mute button of life is your friend. The folk at Bourne Kitchen are not our enemy. Their poor ways come from the ignorance of the unkind and this is the face of our enemy, just as it is theirs also.

I say get back into the mind you love and close your front door from the outside. Now go for a walk with no iPod or phone and switch off life’s mute-button. Walk alone for a time and then maybe you might find, if just for a while, a solitude that no loneliness or the “Bourne Kitchens” of the world can ever reach..

Bourne Kitchens
249-261 Queens Pde
Clifton Hill Vic 3068

P: (03) 9486 2777 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting            (03) 9486 2777      end_of_the_skype_highlighting
F: (03) 9486 2188

Trade Division

About Dr. F (Ian Williams)

Ian Williams artist and author from Australia is enjoying watching the ideology of feminism dying. He adores these times where he sees it beginning to lose traction, and for him, the atrophying of that muscle is proof positive that word is getting out and it's questioning its answers. The magician tricks of feminism are understood by him, and in the front row seat he delights in putting up his hand, "Hey. I can see the secret wire".Short stories from his forthcoming book Kidscapes are published on AVfM every week.

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  • Paul Elam

    Dear Bourne Kitchens,

    Please tell my wife to humiliate me into shopping more at your fine establishment. I want her to have everything she needs when I finally get kicked out.

    Kind regards,

    Average man

    • Tawil

      That fits in nicely with a comic strip i read a few years back about two women conversing over one’s divorce. First woman says, “It must be heart wrenching going through your divorce settlement”, to which the second woman replies, “Not at all – I got the recently renovated house, the kids, car, boat, and child support, it’s wonderful… I’ve been planning this divorce since I was a little girl”.

      • Sasha

        …or the one about shopping for a Barbie doll.

        Saleswoman: “This is classic Barbie $40, this is dancing queen Barbie $60, and this is divorced Barbie $400.

        Mother: “$400! why so much?”

        Saleswoman: “Well, she comes with Ken’s car, boat, house, wardrobe….”

        • bcdad666

          You forgot “… and Ken’s best friend.”

    • Bev

      This article is a neat fit to you recent article “closer connection to nature”. Another piece of evidence that marketing is aimed at those who wield the dollar as is most marketing. Also interesting (since we have just had white ribbon day) that it is deemed acceptable that she should grab his shirt and demand since in DV legislation this is deemed a form of DV. Reverse the picture and see how long it would last.

      • Rick Westlake

        Oh, no, Bev.

        When a man does anything a woman doesn’t welcome, it’s DV.

        When a woman roughs up a man, or slashes him or cold-cocks him with a golf club or anything like that …

        It’s house-training.

  • Aimee McGee

    Reminds me of a bed shopping expedition with my former partner who is still a good friend, we still smile at the memory.
    We are probably the only couple to ever get asked to leave a bed shop because we were arguing…and the funny bit was…we weren’t
    J and I had no problem in disagreeing with each other and debating…but clearly he was not supposed to do this…he was supposed to dutifully agree with my choice…which he didn’t.
    The shop assistant asked me directly ‘is there a problem?’ I’m flummoxed…I see no problem. J knows what’s going down…’No, this is a frank exchange of opinions’ ‘well, your raised voice is making other people uncomfortable’ she says glaring at him. I snort with laughter…he’s Scottish and the accent makes him sound like a mean bastard even when he’s saying nice things. My snort offends her ‘Please leave.’ We do and take our custom for what is a fairly expensive mattress elsewhere.
    Her misandry, their financial loss.
    Oh…and J is right, his choice was the better one, I was pleased to get it when we split our joint property…but he got the coffee machine and the TV, so I’m sure he’s pretty happy about the result.

    • Roger O Thornhill

      I think I see your bed buying expedition in here Aimee? :-)

  • Roger O Thornhill

    Change the man to a woman and the woman to a man and what do we get?

    • Roger O Thornhill

      I thought a MPT was a Man Penis Thing?

      • Rick Westlake

        Or maybe a Mere Patriarch-ish Tool.

  • Ray

    Misandry in media ubiquitous.

    I just left a post at regarding this current domestic violence story:
    CNN Blames Culture of ‘Manliness’ For Belcher Murder/Suicide
    “Leading CNN’s website this afternoon is an op-ed from Kevin Powell… [his] contention: it’s America’s culture of manliness that led Belcher to blow away his girlfriend and then turn the gun on himself. That culture of manliness includes men hiding their emotion, machoness, and homophobia. Seriously.”

    Here’s my post,

    “CNN is spewing their usual feminist blather. Of course, when former Tennessee Titan, QB, Steve McNair was shot and killed by his girlfriend there wasn’t a peep coming from these leftist hypocrites about female violence. Yes “hypocrites,” because any man trying to get help from a domestic violence shelter, no matter the circumstances. is usually SOL so what options do men have??? Almost always, men are treated as batterers, or batterers waiting to happen, no matter the circumstances. Curiously, there are more kids killed by neglect and abuse in a year than all the female victims of domestic violence killed in a year, and the single biggest group killing those kids is biological moms – according to the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services.

    What we have going on in America today is an ongoing Marxist-feminist witch-hunting of all things male as shown in “Witch-Hunting Males” at Youtube.

  • scatmaster

    Sent to Bourne Kitchens:

    Reverse the genders on your catalogue and billboards with the accompanying

    “Clean the kitchen or else!!!!”

    See how that works.

    One is domestic violence. The other is fine in your realm.

    • Roger O Thornhill

      Bravo Scatters!

  • al7

    Bourne aren’t sexist or discriminatory. For example, at the moment everyone is entitled to up to 60% off baths 😉

  • Bev

    An email to the company.

    Hi Mark,
    If I was a man why should I join your VIP since I note
    only women get rewards but mostly men will be paying
    for your products. No toiletry products for men it seems.

    Also interesting (since we have just had white ribbon day) that it is deemed acceptable that she should grab his shirt, and demand he buy your products since in DV legislation this is deemed a form of DV. Reverse the picture and see how long it would last before feminists demanded it be retracted as they would consider it demeaning to women.


    • Stu

      You got it all wrong Bev. The mere fact that she is grabbing him and snarling into his face, is proof that he is actually guilty of domestic violence. Yes, if he was doing exactly as she wished, and coughing up the money to buy whatever bullshit she demanded, at the first sign of her desire to acquire whatever it is that has caught her eye, she wouldn’t have to be bullying and being physically abusive…..eerrr……I mean assertive.

      Now let’s get this straight so everyone understands. Women have a RIGHT to financial independence and financial freedom…….that means….they have a right to jobs, careers, their own money……and….they get to do whatever the fuck they want with their own money……got it. So, if she spends all her money on shoes, handbags, cosmetics…..hairdressers, holidays….gambling…..or whatever……how the hell can she be expected to afford a new kitchen. Therefore, she must be allowed to demand the man pay for all the other stuff she wants. He is obviously resisting, why else would she be grabbing him.

      It is so obvious that the man is the bad guy here. What’s wrong with you anyway……have you not heard of “The Plan” I suggest you look it up and get with the program. :)

      • Booyah

        Bev is a tiger. I regularly see her work. Often on articles that I’ve stumbled onto too late (comments closed) and Im very glad to see that she got there in time…..

        However your point is totally valid and I applaud you warning Aussie men of the true nature of the danger that they face.

  • Paul Elam

    As a side note, some moron named Pauline Walker dropped by to talk about how unsexist the company is that is doing the advertising of a strong and empowered woman bullying her weak and afraid husband into buying her shit at the unsexist store. Pauline wanted to encourage materialistic bitches and their male enablers to do their shopping there.

    Sent to the femspam folder.

    Hi Pauline. Bye Pauline.

    • Kimski

      Which “strong and empowered women”??

      Oh, the ones that are subsidized from birth to grave by government fundings, obtained from mens income, and leeches off the inventions made by men, while occupying the civilizations build and sustained by men?

      Remove men from the equation and see what you get, Pauline. Stone age tools, living in caves, and crying and whimpering when a predator shows up.

      Hi Pauline. Bye Pauline.

    • gateman

      I would have preferred you left the post up so we could give her a piece of our mind.

      • Paul Elam

        I understand, but two reasons not to. One, intelligent trolls make for interesting targets. Stupid trolls, of which this was one are like car wrecks.

        The problem with car wrecks is other drivers. They all slow down to gawk, as though they have never seen an accident before, and before you know it there is a traffic jam which is a huge waste of time and fuel.

        Surely we have all seen enough stupid feminist trolls that we don’t need to give all them special attention.

        • Roger O Thornhill

          They’re all special Paul, don’t forget.

    • Booyah

      “Please explain?” Pauline…. 😛

  • rper1959

    It used to be “sex sells”, now it’s apparently “violence against men sells”, feminist progress at it’s worst. I can see a letter to the advertising standards authority coming on! and click on the make a complaint logo

    Men DO complain.

    • blueface

      This one complained. I’m not holding my breath for an honest reply.

    • Steve_85

      Complaint sent. I live in Oz (sydney) and I’ve never seen this company, but if I ever do feel like I need something that they sell, I’m sure I can find another company to buy it from.

  • Jay

    I also pointed out the misandric Virgin Life Insurace Ads:

    Here’s the clip on youtube

    Here’s a link to my forum thread about it, which also contains a link in there about how to complain about advertisements in Australia. My complaint which I sent to the appropriate body is in the thread.

  • Jay

    I also pointed out the misandric Virgin Life Insurace Ads:

    Here’s the clip on youtube

    Here’s a link to my forum thread about it, which also contains a link in there about how to complain about advertisements in Australia. My complaint which I sent to the appropriate body is in the thread.

    • blueface

      Complained about this one too.

      Thanks for pointing it out.

  • Dr. F

    Ta’s to:

    Our Scatters and Bev and others that wrote or spoke to BK.

    Roger O Thornhill for alerting me to this and for taking the photo.

    You for your attention on this and for your thoughts and stories.

    • Roger O Thornhill

      Dr F,

      As payment for my photographic services, I request a hot fresh slice of your famous homemade gourmet pizza.

      The Kangaroo one, not the Echidna.


      • Steve_85

        Bit off-topic,

        Anyone who likes steak owes it to themselves to try kangaroo. It is all the goodness of steak turned up to 11. I know it is pricey in the US, but by damn is it worth it.

        The best part is that it is actually 2 different tastes depending on how long you cook it. I prefer mine done ‘medium’ but if you take it to ‘well-done’ is actually tastes different.

        I swear it’s better than sex, and just as messy :)

        • Roger O Thornhill

          There’s nothing like a good “Skippy” steak Steve_85!

        • Aimee McGee

          Yeah, was pleased when they had some in Lidel’s…scared my housemate though!

  • Booyah

    Hang on a second I need to breathe deeply to disperse the misandry rattling round my head…….

    Ah Dr F. you are like an oxygen tank in a world full of mustard gas. Thank you for brightening my day with your poignant blend of reality and humour.

    I’m off to build a shrine in your name. Hopefully I can find some misandrist kitchen and bathroom products to smash and assemble it from.

    PS My Aussie spellchecker doesn’t recognize misandrist. Must be the Macquarie version 😉

    • Dr. F

      Thank you for your kind words mate and a shrine I am undeserving of.

      However, you have inspired me. I built one in the name of BK and I there I perch daily whilst reading books on pillaging and other blokey stuff.

      Their catalogue makes an excellent addition being wound on a cardboard roll affixed to the wall nearby.

      • Booyah

        Thanks for the tip mate :) I will look for some copies as soon as I run out of Macquarie dictionary.

  • Otter

    We should stage a protest in the store by having a woman pretend to beat her husband because he refused to buy her a new stove.

    • Booyah

      This has youtube “win” written all over it. Particularly if you dress up a bloke as the wife to give it more comedy value. Sheesh if I was over there I’d volunteer for the wife part just to see it come to fruition. Well beats being a husband anyhow 😛

      She should of course threaten him with prison if he doesnt accede to whatever she wants as per “The Plan” tying in another monstrous issue we are facing.

  • andybob

    Stunning article, Dr F. It is still a shock when blindsided by these kinds of images, especially when everyone around me seems so oblivious to the insidious message.

    The ad men responsible for this probably reconcile it to themselves by pretending that the image is man-friendly. The guy in the promo has a hapless “bet your wife isn’t as crazy as mine” look on hs face – all wink, wink, ya know how it is? Men are supposed to sympathize with him.

    This actually makes it worse because it normalizes this kind of disrespectful behaviour from women and makes men feel obligated to put up with it. This woman lays hands on her husband over shower nozzles and cabinetry. Her amped-up hectoring is just an expression of her right to assert her whims.

    “It matters when the collateral damage of your advertising campaign is the quiet shame felt by men who accidentally consume their images.”

    Let’s hope that shame turns to anger and resentment soon.

    • Dr. F

      Thanks Andybob,

      As an Aussie you know exactly what I mean when I quote one of our poet legends.

      “There was movement at the station.” and you know the next line.

      • Paul Elam

        I think Andybob is a Texan trapped in an Aussie’s body.