condom

Why Men Don’t Wear Condoms

Men are idiots.

Those three words sum up most of society’s view on men, especially when it comes to sexual practices. This bothers me for a number of reasons, not least of which is that I am a man.

But it also demonstrates a level of willful, malicious ignorance that could only be born from a truly gynocentric culture. That Popular Science article is on the topic of condoms and is trying to get men to use them. Condoms came onto the scene in Europe in the 16th century. Even then, the main goal was not preventing pregnancy (the good old days before Over Population), but to prevent Sexually Transmitted Diseases such as syphilis.

The concept is simple: put a wall between two sources of bodily fluids, preventing transmission of any infectious agents that might be present in either.

Easy, right?

Wrong.

Even after four centuries of development and contributions from brands likes of Trojan and KY, condoms are still not as widely used as some would hope, especially in the developing world. For the developed world, 28% of married couples use condoms as their primary contraception; in Japan it is 80%, but in the developing world it goes down to less than 10%.1

In the face of ever present AIDS epidemics, many organizations have been working to increase condom use, especially in Africa. In South Africa, safe-sex information is rampant and condoms are freely available, but their usage so far only covers one condom per week for each adult male.2 Either they’re not getting lucky, or they’re just not listening. In other regions, results of condom-drives are even spottier, to the point that the World Health Organization has begun campaigns of mass adult male circumcision in hopes of reducing HIV infections, but with mixed results.3

That brings us back to the original question: Why don’t men use condoms? In the face of AIDS spread, numerous other unsightly or life-threatening STDs, and the well documented risks of unplanned fatherhood, why don’t men all just slip on a rubber every morning, you know, for when the time comes?

The question has been asked, but, in my opinion, only skin deep. The most common reason (and I refuse to use the word “excuse”) given by men is that condoms reduce pleasure. Hence the Gates Foundation offer of $100,000 for the design of a condom that actually increases pleasure.4

Most commentators are happy to deride men for this pleasure-seeking stance, probably because it fits so nicely into the public image of Man As Lustful Beast. But, with all the perils facing the unprotected man, is pleasure-for-pleasure’s-sake the real reason for low condom adoption? They’ve asked, Is it because condoms reduce pleasure?, and have gotten a resounding Yes–but have been typically unwilling to dig a little deeper, to treat their male subjects as human beings, and ask, Why are men so worried about reduced pleasure?

Unprotected sex is risk-taking, so why take the risk? An analogous example is a drug abuser. Addicts take drugs to get high, have a buzz, rave like mad, step out of themselves, etc. With hard drugs like heroin and cocaine, or hell, even alcohol, their numerous detrimental side-effects are well documented. It’s reasonable to think no sane person would willingly use these substances. Yet they do, and in flocking herds. Why?

Most people are not thrill seekers. Most people do not need to live on the edge of danger. Most people are normal human beings, so if they are abusing life-damaging drugs, it has to be for a reason. Self-medication for depression, escapism from a hopeless life, gaining the competitive edge in sports or work… Drug usage isn’t a sickness, it is a symptom, just like men’s unwillingness to use condoms is not an example of male irresponsibility, but a symptom of a twisted view on male sexuality.

And I say twisted because we likely once had a perfectly healthy interpretation of human sexual behavior, but it has been twisted by corrupt social forces. Men, for more millennia than we’ve had a calendar to count them, have been taught to identify heavily with their own sexuality, to find a large portion of their sense of self-worth from it. For most of history, a man’s value stemmed from two requirements: that he could go out and kill whatever needed to be killed (be it men in war or animals in the hunt), and that he could then come home and fuck his woman like a man!. Mere fertility is not enough; a man must be virile, filled with stamina and vigor. Anything else, even if he is a genius, champion athlete or master artist, renders him less of a man.

And to the inevitable rehashes of the well-worn attacks on the mythically delicate “male ego”, I say simply, Bullshit. As a young American man, I have endured, since childhood, a perpetual bludgeoning with messages promoting female self-esteem. And then you, dear misandrist commenter, are going to tell me that a man’s “ego” isn’t worthy of consideration? I ask you to step away now, because hate-speech is not welcome here. Men’s lives matter. Men’s feelings (and yes, we do have them) matter. We matter.

And sex matters to men, maybe beyond what is natural. For most of human history, men have been taught to self-identify with their own hyper-sexualization. Men are penis-wielders first, human beings second. Our sense of self-worth is derived, in large part, from our ability to “perform” sexually. It’s the same mindset that makes men work themselves literally into early graves. They could live longer if they worked less, but they are providers first, human beings second. That message has been driven home generation after generation, father to son, wife to man, television to vegetable. But now, after thousands of years, the message has been changed. Now men are being told their penis is a potential disease vector and that it has to be tightly bagged before usage.

What’s sexier than Zip-Loc, right?

200 year old condom, with user's manual

200 year old condom, with user’s manual

Mixed messages to the extreme. Condoms do reduce pleasure, fact. With all these thousands of years of social conditioning, men associate self-worth with sexual performance, and the primary measure of sexual performance is the amount of pleasure achieved/provided. In asking men to use pleasure-reducing condoms, we are asking them to overcome generations of indoctrination and to actively take part in reducing their own self-esteem. It’s asking the junkie to stop shooting up when it’s the only thing that keeps him going.

Some may still ask of men, Why so serious? Why do men identify so much with their sexuality. Can’t they be happy just being alive? The idea that men are socially conditioned to their own detriment is still not commonly accepted. Patriarchy, right? So, let’s look at a another analogy, this time a fictional one about women.

Men tend to find self-worth through sexual performance. Women tend to find self-worth through sexual appeal; being beautiful, being attractive, being desired by men, that is what women have long been taught to seek. Whatever changes feminism has wrought, the core mating paradigm remains the same: women present, men pursue. Condoms hamper that pursuit. What if we asked women, for health reasons, to reduce their sex appeal?

Let’s pretend there is a gel that women can buy. When applied, it unobtrusively coats the vagina with a protective layer that blocks STDs with a failure rate comparable to condoms. Great, right? Ah, but there are side-effects. And I’m not talking about female condoms here, which have their own pleasure-spoiling qualities. No, for these STD-proof women, it isn’t their pleasure which takes a hit (about half of women fake orgasms anyway, so that’s not their goal). What suffers is their self-image, their sense of beauty.

When a woman using this hypothetical little wonder gel becomes sexually aroused, it makes her puff up. Not like-a-balloon puff up, but it makes her look and feel, let’s say, 15-30 pounds heavier, just temporarily. No negative effect to health, but during sex, the woman feels fat, and she knows she looks fat to her partner. Don’t think thick girls are ugly? Change weight gain to breast reduction, skin discoloration, etc. Anything unattractive. Whatever the details, she has to become ugly to have safe sex.

How many women do you think would jump at that opportunity?

Now think about the same feeling for men, being told they need to slash their primary metric of sexual success for the sake of health safety.

Am I saying men are all sex-crazy? Maybe, but I don’t blame men for that. If condoms are emasculating, it is only because they present a sharp reversal of social expectations; asking a man to be less of a man. I don’t think WHO is attacking male sexuality on purpose, but their PR, well, blows. I don’t think men are necessarily even overly sexual; it’s society’s, women’s and men’s evaluation of men based on their sexuality that’s the problem.

At this point, men haven’t been left with much anything to find self-esteem from, penis-wielding being about the only semi-respectable occupation not taken by women. In such a climate, asking for rampant condom use may be the dildo that breaks the camel’s toe.

Is condom use a good thing? Definitely.

Is widespread adoption going to be easily achieved? Not until we stop treating men like walking vibrators and actually look at the human psychology of why condom use is not appealing. It’s not just about the fuck for us. If it were, we wouldn’t care how hot she was, or if she brought a girlfriend, or how loud she screamed our name. But we do care, because we judge ourselves on how we perform.

We don’t think with our dicks, but we sure as hell measure ourselves against them.

References:

[1] Condom Prevalence – Wikipedia
[2] In South Africa, free condoms are big (but not big enough for some, it seems)
[3] Circumcision in Africa not preventing HIV
[4] Develop the Next Generation of Condom

About Ayami Tyndall

Ayami Tyndall is a self-trained network administrator and author from California. Mixing technology and social exploration, his science-fiction novels cast a new light on today's cultural problems. Raised rurally and in love with nature, he believes in the grand American tradition of Self Reliance.

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  • http://www.deanesmay.com Dean Esmay

    Good article with a lot of provocative thoughts. However I’ve got my own take on a couple of these:

    1) I do not believe we would even DREAM of suggesting that women should accept reduced sexual pleasure for themselves. It appears to be socially acceptable to slap men around if they want pleasure, but the very idea of suggesting that women should voluntarily reduce their sexual pleasure is almost unthinkable.

    2) I would like to see more men STOP thinking about sex as something they “perform” to give a woman pleasure or to somehow prove their manhood. Mind you, you can’t just tell them to stop feeling that way, but I’d sure like to encourage it. She’s responsible for her orgasm, not you, and ultimately sex is something you’re doing and enjoying together, hopefully. Who the hell really wants sex with someone who’s just doing it because they think they have to or because they think they have something to prove?

    I don’t know how much of this is biological and how much of it’s sociological. As with most things, I guess it’s probably a mixture of both.

    • Ayami Tyndall

      I definitely agree on both points. The cultural narrative that treats men as walking dildos has long been something disturbing to me. How we change it, I don’t know, but maybe enough Men Going Their Own Way will help point the world in the right direction. If men weren’t driven to worry so much about performance, using a condom to stop STDs wouldn’t be such a big deal.

    • http://www.imnotamensrightsactivistbut.wordpress.com Isaac T. Quill

      I’m always disturbed by the unwillingness of some to state openly a well kept secret. Condom Usage reduces female pleasure too! I know so many ladies who have been happy to chat about how they prefer raw over rubber …but they keep it quiet cos it;snot lady like to openly mention it and look overly slutty (It’s their views and not mine around the double standard).

      Of Course – the men are there to perform meme also hides the idea that the Mrs is getting pleasure too, and even demanding it ….possibly even seeking it …and by any means. Once you smash the lens of the damsel and accept the lusty women possibility it makes far more sense of findings such as:

      “…the prevalence of women’s sexual aggression against men and examined predictors of sexual aggression in a sample of 248 women. Respondents reported their use of aggressive strategies (physical force, exploitation of a man’s incapacitated state, and verbal pressure) to make a man engage in sexual touch, sexual intercourse, or oral sex against his will. Childhood abuse, gender role orientation, ambiguous communication of sexual intentions, level of sexual activity, and peer pressure were included as predictors of sexual aggression. Almost 1 in 10 respondents (9.3%) reported having used aggressive strategies to coerce a man into sexual activities. Exploitation of the man’s incapacitated state was used most frequently (5.6%), followed by verbal pressure (3.2%), and physical force (2%). An additional 5.4% reported attempted acts of sexual aggression.

      Krahé, B., Waizenhöfer, E., & Möller, I. (2003). RUNNING HEAD: WOMEN’S SEXUAL AGGRESSION Published in:, 49, 219–232. doi:10.1023/A:1024648106477

      • Aimee McGee

        Yep, give me bareback instead of a raincoat any day ;)

        Beloved has had a V, so no more need to worry about the swimmers…

        For safe sex, I preferred to pack my female condom…they might be rather “verbal” but try finding a non-latex condom at 11pm on a Saturday night and you soon live up to the motto “be prepared”

      • Caprizchka

        The best use of a female condom in my slutty opinion is to put it on the man such that he isn’t “choked” at the base and further doesn’t smooth down that precious glans ridge I love so much. Alternatively, there is a whole world of non-intercourse activities to be negotiated (requires open-mindedness, acceptance of risk, and creativity).

        In an “open” relationship of old (and I’m old so pregnancy is no longer a concern), the “primary partners” are “fluid-bonded”. Satellite partners have to make do with the barrier method. Whereas, in “communal living” all residents are “fluid-bonded” but all guests must use condoms.

        Could it be that some of the “reduced pleasure” of a man wearing a condom has to do with less reaction from the female who is all too aware of that extra friction on her urethra and sensitive membranes and is disappointed by the absence of the full dimensions of the glans and the known health and mood-altering benefits of semen? I mean, isn’t part of my “job” to encourage and build enthusiasm by my own pleasure and then return the favor of “service” (i.e., whatever he wants) for the grand finale?

        I owe a debt to Madonna of all people for pointing out that sex is supposed to be risky in an interview in promotion of her book, Sex. Risk is part of the magic of the intimate connection. However, despite our Future Shock feverish modern pace, intimacy cannot actually be rushed; therefore “hook-ups” are by definition lowered intimacy and therefore lowered pleasure just like comparing fast-food to an old-fashioned home-cooked meal from scratch ideally locally sourced from nearby farms and gardens. There is just no short-cut to deep, abiding pleasure and thank goodness otherwise somebody would patent it.

        If the Gates Foundation succeeds in inspiring a pleasurable condom, who will own the patent?

        • http://www.imnotamensrightsactivistbut.wordpress.com Isaac T. Quill

          “If the Gates Foundation succeeds in inspiring a pleasurable condom, who will own the patent?”

          Who’ll F###ing care?

  • Chad_Nine

    I would also add that men are emotional beings. All humans are emotional beings, but men’s emotions are often disregarded. If a man just wanted to have an orgasm, all he needs is a bit of imagination and a few minutes of masturbation. Men seek out sex with women because they want to have sex with women. A condom, as smart as using a condom is in this age, is a bit of a barrier between two people.

    • tamerlame

      Having an orgasm is an emotional thing. Sexual desire is an emotion. Men have been so dehumanized that our own emotions are invalidated.

      This is why I endorse being selfish when it comes to sex. Why should I care about the pleasure of the female partner? I live in a culture where females invalidate my feelings all the time.

  • Mr. J

    I really don’t identify with this article at all.

    Men find worth through sexual performance?…..That is the oddest statement to me.

    I’ve always thought that universal justice was perhaps the highest goal..Sex was, well, something, but really not that big a deal….just an aspect.

    I always had numerous things on my mind instead of “sex” like personal interests and the prospect of getting cancer at some time and why others got it, etc..

    I never,ever understood the preoccupation with the little box that “sex” fits in when all of life is out there.

    • http://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/FamilyCourtDads/info Gary Trieste

      Well yeah, I agree with that. Sex is important, but just for the fuck of it.
      Self worth? Not at all, sex to me, although fun in many ways, is quite peripheral to the sense of my self worth.
      Discovering, creating, making things better and easier, fundamental inquiries – those are the things that I consider the most important things in life to myself.

    • Xevaster

      Well, Mr. J. it is great that you have such an evolved mindset and that sex is not very big deal for you but, for many men it is.
      Men are told from puberty that they must be big, strong and virile. Movie show men having sex with a woman until she reaches orgasm. If it they show a man having an orgasm before a woman he is an object of scorn and to be mocked.
      Porn shows men lasting 30 – 40 minutes, sure it is done through cuts and stuff, but the message gets out there that unless you can have sex until the woman orgasms you are less that a man.
      We hear that if a man has an orgasm before the woman and can’t get her to orgasm then he is selfish and not worth being with.
      Because of this, many men in our culture focus on sex as one of the foundations of their self worth.

      Plus, sex feels good. It is hard not to focus on things that feel good.

      • Mr. J

        We need to be asking ourselves WHY the things you cite are perhaps true instead of accepting them…I, for one, do not accept them and I do not let things in movies affect anything I do.

        Yes, sex may feel good, but so do drugs to a lot of ppl….Not good to “focus” on something just for that reason.

      • tamerlame

        I used to assume that I was gay or impotent at one point.

        That wasn’t the problem at all, the problem was passive female sexuality, that was boring.

        When a female shows interest I have the biggest boner ever! lol (Sorry)

        One of the many reasons I don’t have much sex, is that I want the female to show some interest, to do some work. I want to feel wanted and validated as a human being. Most females are too lazy and passive. Also I have been messed about very badly, even by women who did want to have sex with me. (They still played their passive plausible deniability games.) I don’t want to play the aggressor role with women. (I might be open to it with a women I like in a long term relationship but I doubt I will ever have one, )

        My point is, when I thought I was impotent or gay I wondered if I was a man. I wondered if my sex drive was damaged. I felt like less of a man. My sexuality failed to match the stereotypes portrayed in the media. It was the portrayal that was abnormal, not my sexuality.

        I can understand why a lot of men/boys would want to have sex to validate themselves. I used to feel the same pressure. I am glad I have grown out of that mindset.

        I have opportunities for sex, that I never had before. I don’t take them because the women is not good enough for me. There was a time when I would of jumped at it. (Porn has killed my interested in real life women completely. I can understand why feminists hate it! lolol I avoided porn because I thought it was for losers, I now think porn is liberating for men.)

        I think we shouldn’t try and rationalize away a lack of male self control. Having loads of bare sex is very risky. We can understand the reasons why a lot of men lack this self control but she should encourage men to have more self control. (In a none shaming way though.)

        • Aimee McGee

          I think I would struggle if I was male – I like interest and active participation too…in a bad relationship once I thought it was my antidepressants making me anorgasmic…Nope. it was crap sex

    • cuatezon

      I agree & disagree. Paradoxical statement? Not necessarily. I think for older men self esteem wasn’t so solely based on sexual performance. It was more about being masculine, successful, being the breadwinner, etc.

      The author says he is a ‘young man’. I think, in my observations anyway, that younger people there may be more of a emphasis on ‘performance’. Some of this is good in the sense that sexual education & learning the ‘how to’s’ in the bedroom can enhance a relationship.

      However, I think its gone way overboard in how much emphasis is put on performance, size, etc. in the past few decades. Movies, TV, magazines, literature abound with references, jokes, emasculation on these issues. Essentially, the matter has gone from ‘improving your relationship & bonding through better sex’ to ‘you better make me cum & multiple times & perform like a Russian race horse’ mentality. And that’s sad…and damaging to men’s egos and to women too. The focus is on the act of sex rather than a passionate interlude to bond & express your love for someone. Just my two cents on this.

  • Mr. J

    I will go further and say I don’t think this article belongs here at all as it just seems to promote preoccupation with sex, which is a major way that gov’t gets the people to ignore its machinations.

    • B.R. Merrick

      I will go further and say I don’t think this article belongs here at all as it just seems to promote preoccupation with sex, which is a major way that gov’t gets the people to ignore its machinations.

      I will rewrite your statement to contradict it: I will go even further and say I definitely think this article belongs here as it rightly points out a phenomenon with potentially grave consequences, and which is a major way that gov’t gets the people to ignore its machinations.

      If you’ll note, the author pointed out that condoms have been around for hundreds of years, and that initially they were invented to prevent syphilis. To prevent pregnancy, all a man has to do is coitus interruptus. Prior to penicillin, syphilis was, for a time, treated with arsenic, a very dangerous drug. Doctors had little choice, because left untreated, syphilis could be deadly, advancing in three stages, with the third stage leading to organ failure and possible insanity. Yet for hundreds of years, syphilis has been transmitted and condoms used rarely.

      We still deal with syphilis, but condoms were no longer a concern after penicillin, because if syphilis were discovered early enough it could be easily eradicated. Now, in the gay male community, we deal with HIV and AIDS, along with all the other STDs. Prior to the discovery of cocktail medicines, AIDS had an even greater chance than syphilis of leading to death. This many decades after thousands of men died, STDs in the gay male community are still a serious concern, even with condoms being used in so much mainstream gay porn as an example, and with so much information available at gay charities on STDs and condom usage (usually with free condoms).

      Do you understand? Men, in the face of death, still have trouble wrapping up before intercourse if they plan on having more than one sex partner. Why?

      The author makes a noble effort at trying to ascertain the answer. I feel it has to do with perhaps three things, most of which have already been pointed out:

      1. Loss of the most erotic contact one can have with another’s body. This is not an excuse, but a major explanation, and it should not be discounted.

      2. Socially enforced sex roles, which encourage women to sexually provide and men to sexually perform.

      3. Men seem to have a greater propensity for risk-taking that is innate, and also socially encouraged.

      Third Wave Feminism comes rushing in and “liberates” women from sexual provision, but does not place any expectation on sexual performance, because “that’s his problem!” Our society, as it does in almost every other way, is willing to endlessly discuss what women want in the bedroom, but not what men want, because “all men are horndogs.”

      Well, a lot of men, unlike you, can certainly be horndogs. So can women, but they are still not perceived as being horndogs. There’s that word “dog,” and you sure can’t call a woman that!

      You can call her slut, though. In spite of the best efforts of “The Golden Girls” featuring slut extraordinaire Blance Devereaux, that title still carries a derogatory pall. Third Wavers claim the word, but no one else can use it.

      So now a modern American female can lay back and do little to nothing, while expecting the man to get hard, wrap up, get less sensation, and maintain stiffness all the way to her orgasm. Work, work, work. Naked skin on naked skin, along with all the psychological triggers having to do with areas of the body that humans obsess over being electrically connected, with two active participants who meet for mutual pleasure, feels a whole lot better. And now, it’s even riskier for the man.

      Perhaps more writing like this on more websites will inspire scientists up at the level of the cocktail and penicillin makers to come out with a condom that, for a man’s dick, is the equivalent of using a sex toy. Then perhaps we can say goodbye to a lot of the negative consequences that threaten men’s lives.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/Correctrix/videos Correctrix

    I think it’s good to underline that the big problem with condoms being no fun is not so much that the man won’t enjoy the overall experience as much, but that the halting of the activity to mess around with a piece of rubber is a risk factor for losing one’s erection. And guys are terrified of that, because it is massively and unfairly stigmatised.

    • whiic

      I made a much longer reply only to notice afterward that you pointed out the same thing. And I totally agree that’s probably more likely reason for lack of willingness to use a condom than reduced pleasure.

      Male’s own pleasure as indicator of sexual performance seems a bit far fetched. Considering how gynocentric dating is, performance is mainly measured at the “receiving end”. (And surely some women prefer it raw.)

      ___

      It’s also “funny” that loss of erection being so highly stigmatized is probably the leading cause of loss of erection. You add too much performance pressure, and the the pressure alone might cause the mind to mull on unpleasant thought and hence the attempt to avoid it will cause it. Erection is a funny thing. The more you want to avoid it, the more likely you’d get it, and vice versa.

      Well, maybe if you think about Anita Sarkeesian in a cold shower… that might help if you really, really want to get rid of morning wood. I’m still unsure if I could ever be desperate enough to subject myself to THAT mental image.

    • Astrokid

      Good point, and its such an important point that I am surprised the author didnt address it in the article. And I am from a culture where there really isnt much history or hype that a man should fuck like a champion. And yet large numbers of us are uncomfortable with condoms for the very biological and psychological reasons you mention.

  • Duke

    Condoms are now perfect little sperm packages, that can be used by girls to impregnate themselves at their own convenience.
    I would love to know how many guys didn’t want to have children, she was on the pill, he still used a condom…and miraculously, ….she still got pregnant?? What are the chances???
    Could it be that she snagged the condom with the special sauce, when you weren’t looking, and busted out a turkey baster a little later???
    One guy on here even recommends putting hot sauce in the condom, just to see if yer girl is trying to impregnate herself without you knowing about it.

    • cuatezon

      I’ve heard – and maybe its an urban legend – that a lot of pro athletes & celebs flush their condoms or take them with them precisely b/c of this problem.

      • Caprizchka

        Not just pro athletes and celebs! Any man with something to lose should take his condom with him and dispose of it himself in private.

  • Justin Bailey

    “Men are idiots.”

    Not an uncommon thing to hear. Let’s just imagine this being applied to any other group. Why do black youth still struggle academically compared to other racial groups? Well, of course it’s because blacks are idiots. Something inside of me says that statement would get a writer fired, let alone get past the editor to appear in a magazine.

    I’ll second Esmay’s claim that if it were a matter of women getting less sexual pleasure there would be no controversy, feminists and society at large would not accept it. There’s tons of talk from fems and the media that women don’t get the sexual satisfaction that they want and we need to educate them how to get it. I’ve heard them tell women that they’re entitled to good sex. To keep you up to score, that means that men aren’t entitled to sex–ever–and even pleading with your wife or girlfriend for it is practically a form of rape, but women are not only entitled to sex, but entitled to good sex.

    I’ll end by pointing out that the dynamic this article discusses, that being the way men’s sexuality is judged by how they perform and women’s by their attractiveness, is reflective of one of the oldest elements of society, specifically that women are judged by what they are and men by what they do.

  • whiic

    I wouldn’t call the article conclusive. There are other reasons in addition to ones mentioned (pleasure by itself, and pleasure as a measurement of sexual performance).

    I’d add a few more:
    - some women also prefer it raw. Either it’s physically better, or emotionally, because they know there’s nothing in between.
    - some women might pretend to prefer it raw in order to get pregnant “by accident”, potentially lying about The Pill or safe days.
    - putting condom on is distracting pause to otherwise natural flow of events. For an inexperienced man putting a condom on correctly, without breaking it, trying to do it fast, but trying to do it right – while also being pressured to not keep the woman waiting and the need to perform. All this can trigger a loss of erection due to accumulation of pressure. Doing raw your brain doesn’t necessarily have time to comprehend what you’re about to start doing, and once you’re in, you have access to physical stimulation.

    Surely, all of these reasons stem from the need to perform. It’s just not necessarily the pleasure as indicator of performance but also women’s opinion and risk of loss of erection (or at least risk of taking too much time and disappointing his partner in the meantime).

    Men are required to perform without fail. Women can fake orgasm. Men can’t. Women would notice (since male orgasm is accompanied with ejaculate). And some women would pull no punches at failed attempt of intercourse, even if it was a rare exception. For men, it can be pretty cruel. Heck, even for women, it’s cruel. But women are always allowed to start crying if you say fucking her is like fucking a dead fish. Yet, reverse the genders and call the man as having reached a “male menopause” at his 20′s and it’s all fine and dandy and he should just suck it up.

    The pressure on men to perform just stacks up: you need to perform physically, maintain your erection regardless of pauses, succeed to ejaculate – but never before she’s satisfied, monitor her cues constantly for a change of mood (because she might feel turned off if she had to say anything) and interpret all changes of mood correctly (too fast, too slow, wrong position, she wants to be TAKEN, she wants it romantic, etc.). It’s like walking a rope while juggling chainsaws. And then you should put a condom on, on top of everything else? Sure, the risk of embarrassing yourself may be low but the consequences – even just imagined consequences as we are talking about internalized social responsibilities – are totally devastating (i.e loss of manhood).

    • tamerlame

      My craigslist experiments lead me to believe that raw sex that lead to pregnancy is a fetish for a lot of women. Only adverts with rape fantasies where more popular than impregnation ones.

      Sugar daddies where the most popular replies gathers though.

      • whiic

        Yeah, it must be ironic that many women wish to have:
        - raw sex
        - pseudo-forcible sex (i.e being TAKEN)

        …but these women don’t get too many replies.
        …and men as a gender are still accused of being rapists or at least irresponsible with contraceptives.

        They’re also blamed to be misogynic oppressors even while they actively seek women to take care off. It’s just totally fucked up how society twists male intentions.

        While I don’t say being a sole provider for a family is evil or misogynistc – it is quite dumb to objectify yourself to the role of a robot that provides. Some parts of conservative family are functional but sole providership just isn’t one of those.

    • Caprizchka

      Men can fake orgasm too and many do when sex starts to feel tedious.

      • seiya

        Can we?
        How do I simulate the squirt?! o___O

        • Branden

          Orgasm and ejaculation are two separate events. You can ejaculate without orgasm just as you can orgasm without ejaculation. The fact that they tend to happen one after another is why people think they are one in the same. Men can also have multiple orgasms as well.

  • Mr. J

    Nothing good comes from barnyard animal behavior, devices or not.

    What, do people watch “movies” and monkey-see-monkey-do??

  • Fredrik

    Well, that was fast. Work has begun on developing electro-stimulating condoms. *NSFW*

    • whiic

      “It’s not just about the men” – If women enjoy it, that’s the ONLY way it’s going to sell.

      Why?
      - It doesn’t reduce hassle of putting it on and risking loss of erection during extreme pressure to perform. It would be worse than that if you have to also attach a controller and battery to it..
      - If it only or mainly affects male enjoyment, men having to wield one would otherwise be impotent right? Well, if having to means you are an impotent, then doesn’t choosing to wear make you a potential impotent too? You need to prove yourself a man by not wearing one.
      - Many women will also point out that you might actually not be much of a man. They will. Of course it may require some trigger like personal problems, work issues, own body issue, etc. to act with extreme cruelty… or not.

      (Of course it they won’t allow any critique toward lack of their own sex drive, unwillingness to sex, loss of interest during sex, or incapability to receive orgasm from intercourse alone, without a vibrator to the clit. Men are “impotent” if it’s one time in a thousand. She’s not frigid even if it’s 999 times in a thousand. And even if it was 1000 as she was frigid common courtesy tell men to not point out stuff purely to hurt other people, especially when it’s not something you can fix. If it only was like that for both genders.)

      ___

      In the end, I don’t see electro-stimulating condoms as a big seller IF women don’t enjoy it … a lot, because there’s a lot at risk for the male ego with an such an aid. It’s like wearing normal condom and taking viagra at a young age. If they sold condoms with the insides covered in “liquid viagra” do you think anyone but senile men would choose to wear one? Hell no.

      Electro-stimulating condoms are not answering the problem because the real problem is not male impotence but extreme pressure put on male performance. A male pill would be good though – as long as you can fool the woman you’re not taking one, so they can’t use their cruelty on the men not being capable of conceiving a child (at least as long as he continues to take it), hence “not a real man”.

      Social expectations for males are a problem. Female sociopathy within relationships is a problem. The condom (even the non-stimulating ones) are mainly a scapegoat.

  • booksaremyfriends

    In your article you say “When a woman using this hypothetical little wonder gel becomes sexually aroused, it makes her puff up. Not like-a-balloon puff up, but it makes her look and feel, let’s say,15-30 pounds heavier, just temporarily. No negative effect to health, but during sex, the woman feels fat, and she knows she looks fat to her partner. Don’t think thick girls are ugly? Change weight gain to breast reduction, skin discoloration, etc. Anything unattractive. Whatever the details, she has to become ugly to have safe sex”

    I just wanted to point out that that weight gain, mood swings, nausea, irregular bleeding and acne are all actual common side effects to the birth control pill. Not to mention the more major side effects of blood clots, stroke and gall bladder disease.

    So, your answer to the question “How many women do you think would jump at that opportunity?” is right now, about 70 million women (I just googled it)

    Not that it invalidates your whole article, just a small point I wanted to make.

    • Ayami Tyndall

      I see what you mean, booksaremyfriends. My analogy might have been a little murky, but I think it still has merit. From my reading, weight gain is not as common as often believed from the pill, and my proposal was what if it was universal? Condoms pretty much always reduce pleasure, so would women go for the equivilent of having to give up being attractive to have safe sex? That is basically what it comes down to.

      As other commenters have mentioned, and as I did unfortunately leave out of the article, condoms can be a quick erection killer, effectively rendering the man unattractive as a sexual partner in the eyes of the second participant. If a woman’s STD protection had such a high chance of turning off her partner on the spot, by whatever means, and into the bargain signficantly reduced her own enjoyment of the act (either by reducing her pleasure, or the man’s so that she doesn’t feel as desired), would she go for it?

      And the pill covers pregnancy, as do condoms, but condoms are primarily being pushed to stop STDs. How will would a woman be willing to use such a device/substance even if she were having sex with a man who had had a vasectomy?

      The most important thing, I think, is determining the ways society tricks men and women into objectifying themselves, making their self-worth based on others’ views of them, so we can overcome that and let people enjoy sex as the primal intimate experience it is. Too much baggage is the problem.

      • Branden

        I don’t even see why we’re making an analogy between condoms and birth control pills. In the context of the article, condoms are used for health reasons. Birth control pills are not.

  • MGTOW-man

    “I don’t think men are necessarily even overly sexual; it’s society’s, women’s and men’s evaluation of men based on their sexuality that’s the problem.”

    I agree. It is sort of a rock and a hard place that we men are in and which was fostered by millions of years of competing ourselves (over women) into this uncomfortable place too.

    This behavior is most likely derived from both bio and social inroads. This, not being completely biologically derived, is why I also believe that much of the behavior of men can be changed. Not all of it—and who wants to— but in this world with the way gynocentrism is being hammered even more fully into place, do men really have a choice… if they truly care about their own male sex and its future? Hasn’t too much already changed for us to afford ourselves the luxury of remaining stagnant? “Onward and upward” (wonderful words) will have to mean that men change…else nothing will, well, change!

    Helloooo?

    We MUST change. Why should men be the ONLY thing that hasn’t?

    Thus, the sooner we change men, we change the world. Daunting? Sure, but all the more reason for getting started.

    This is an important article with a title that is catchy and enticing. It should circulate over the net very well. It contains a lot of important information about being male that should get a closer look than it usually gets. I appreciate the effort that went in to this and to how it was thought out. Truth sometimes sneaks up on us…and this will be eye-opening to many men …and women.

    However, I wouldn’t let it cause us to make us more apathetic to the cause and benefit of condoms. Any time we can gain some pleasure and not “hand the woman the loaded gun”, (right Jon?) in any way whatsoever, it IS a great thing for us thinking men. Never mistake that.

    Those other men? THAT is THEM. (But that also affects us).

    That is them in so many ways here too. Be as they are, not all of us are alike in every way.

    For me, I also do not style my own self-perception “as a man” based on anything about women/kids, sex, performance, penis activity/frequency, appearance, female admiration, etc. I am a man because I say I am. That is all that is needed and I do not grant access to that “control panel” to anyone…not her, him, them, God, devil, my father, mother, that group, or the other group…period. If I never have sex again, I am still just as much or more of a man that I am now. Next story.

    But the perception in the minds of probably most men and most women, that reflect the sentiments of this author, is profoundly meshed into the frame work of our lives as a species overall.

    It is great to understand ourselves better but we must still be careful to not let such knowledge remove our own sense of agency. We ultimately can spark our own destinies.

    I use condoms. They work for me. The key is to get the correct size. One fitting too tight is completely OUT of the question. One too large, well do they even work? But condoms do cut down on STD’s and potentially unwanted babies, so it is still a good way to take charge of our own lives—less pleasurable or not.

    I get what you are saying Ayami, and our humanity as emotional beings, aside from natural predisposition perhaps, has been denied largely by men’s own self-trapping behavior as well as by society/women. Much work needs to be done and we are getting to it.

    Not trying to punish men for how they are and make them man-up to the burdens, but if we can reduce the number of men who make unwanted babies, get trapped into a life with a hell-woman, then we have lived up to one of our goals: show compassion and real life help for the many men and boys who need it. Fewer unhappy men is a good thing.

    Condoms: use them…no matter, use them! At least, if used properly they can short-circuit the flow of gynocentrism and stop us, man by man, from having to submit to feminism…at least in this context.

    …and by the way, it IS HER orgasm, or not. She is totally responsible for herself as is she is for all things equal. True Equality.

    I can usually sustain long enough, but if she is one of those cold-start, slow-to-warm, never fully into-it types, whether or not she has an orgasm?… is totally on her. I owe her nothing and do not care how that makes me look. When I say my own sense of manhood isn’t contingent upon the same ole same old, I mean exactly that.

    I would like to see more men adopt this “strategy”. If they could, MEN WOULD DEFINITELY WIN THIS ARGUMENT WITH FEMINISM. Manhood is not synonymous with penis, performance, or any other degrading concept of physical aspects of sex. Therefore men, yes, REAL MEN, can do whatever they want—or not.

  • De2nis

    Honestly, I think “reduced pleasure” is an understatement. To me its not an issue of physical but rather a more emotional pleasure.

    Sex is sticking yourself into someone and releasing yourself in them. Wearing a condom means you’re sticking yourself into a piece of rubber and releasing yourself in a piece of rubber. That doesn’t even seem like sex to me, just a crude simulation…even if the physical sensation is almost identical.

    The emotional impact is just entirely different, like the difference between taking a bite of something delicious, chewing, and swallowing and taking a bite of something delicious, chewing, and spitting it out. It tastes just as good in both cases, but the latter is just entirely less satisfying even if you aren’t hungry, and feel like an insult against the very nature of the act and your most primal instincts.

    Think of it like wearing gloves to pick up something foul: that drastically reduces your sense of disgust. Well, on the inverse, if you use a “glove” when you’re having sex, that will reduce your self of pleasure for a similar reason. Not physical pleasure. EMOTIONAL pleasure.

    Also, CDC statistics show women try to pressure their mates into not using condoms at a comparable rate. My ex-girlfriend even said she hated condoms.

  • http://www.avoiceformen.com/ David King

    I pretty much refuse to use them.

    You’re an idiot if you think women sleep around as much as you say they do — and yet still refuse to wear a condom.