ChooseLife

A message from Dan Moore (Factory)

About 2 weeks ago, I made the decision to end my own life.

I have been living with severe depression, with varying degrees of success, for 27 years.  As is common in those with depression, I didn’t recognize the signs at first, and men present depression differently from women.  Oddly enough, men tend to present as angry, when really they are depressed.

Of course, this is all old hat for me, and had nothing to do with recent events.  Since its all over the net anyway, I might as well tell you all what happened so it may serve to help others understand they are not alone.

In addition to the usual MRM related shit and abuse, I’ve been carrying around some baggage in real life.  And it’s sorta relevant, so I’ll bring it up.

I’ve been through abusive relationships, lost my children to poverty, lost a house and new car, been cheated on, used, and belittled.  Like nearly everyone else.  I’ve also been chronically underemployed, again like most people.

Pretty regular stuff really.  But add in the depression and you have serious problems.  And while in hospital, nearly everyone else in there was also there for depression.  So again, I’m not exactly a special case.  And in a perfectly regular way, I planned my own execution.

After I finished work, I was going to take the hose (exhaust hose, about 4 inches around) that I had bought, drive out to a secluded spot (not hard to find in SK) and gas myself.  I sent out an email to those who would need to know what happened, thinking it was by then too late to stop me.  Paul proved me wrong on that score, by the way.  Oddly enough, it really pissed me off that I couldn’t finish my work properly while I sat in the back of the cop car.

I’ve recently become rather disgusted with, and mistrustful of, police….but in this case, they made the right call.  They ‘arrested’ me and took me to hospital, where I would spend the next week.  And it was a good call, and I thank Paul for doing that.  That might be because I have a supportive employer.  It’s probably because I’m still alive to say it.

In addition, the doctors were well aware of the predominance of male depression, as well as the stats on male suicide.  Encouragingly, at least around these parts, they are very much interested in promoting the issues surrounding men and depression.  A few nurses had even heard of the MRM, and one of them slipped and called me ‘Factory’ once.  So I took heart in that a little, and I hope you do too.

I’ve regained my balance, by the way, so I think you may find me a little less angry these days.  Still disjointed, but calmer.  I have read many of the comments you have left, by the way, and as I said to Paul I’m flabbergasted, since I didn’t really think anyone would care.

Apparently, depression fucks with a guys perspective.

Anyway, I hope this is enough for now.  There may be something else coming out of this experience, and if so I’ll let you all know.  In the meantime, thanks again for your concern and support.

  • Phil in Utah

    Hey Manboobz, just in case you’re reading this:

    If you dare to make fun of this article on your website, there will be hell to pay. Do you understand?

    • Zarathos022

      And that goes DOUBLE for the rest of the feminist SCUMbags out there as well.

  • Spoon

    “A few nurses had even heard of the MRM, and one of them slipped and called me ‘Factory’ once. So I took heart in that a little, and I hope you do too.”

    I don’t know if it’s from the book or if it was a deleted scene in the movie but isn’t there a bit from Fight Club where the narrater is in the hospital after shooting himself and the nurses call him Tyler Durden?

  • Iron John

    Hi Factory. Thanks for taking the time to fill us in on what happened to you. I think I can speak for all of Mancoat when I
    say that we are relieved.

    Best,

    IJ

  • Zarathos022

    Welcome back, Factory. Thank Cthulu you’re okay.

  • Patrick Henry

    Dan,

    I’m relieved to hear you’re ok. I wish you the best and a rapid recovery.

  • xtrnl

    I’m am extremely grateful to hear that you’re okay, Factory. It’s great to have you back! Though I’ve had it much easier than you in life, I can relate to your struggle with depression. I’ve personally been struggling with it for half of my life now, since I was 13 years old.

    I tried to take my life once, and was one throw of the toaster away from doing it. But then, I thought of how much pain and sadness I would cause the ones I love. This verse from the Bible also came to mind, “any man having set hand to the plow and looking back is unfit for the kingdom of God.”

    I guess in the last moment of hesitance I realized that my belief that I don’t matter to anybody isn’t true. Please remember how much you matter to all of us, Factory. If we ever lost you, we’d be crushed. You’re much much more than just an MRA to us; you’re a brother and a friend! Even as I write this, I have tears in my eyes.

    A million thanks to you for writing this article, and to Paul and everyone else who intervened to stop this tragedy. I pray that joy will return to your life, and that I can look forward to many many years of reading your excellent articles and watching your kickass movies on youtube.

    God Bless You, Brother!

  • Atlas Reloaded

    Rarely say this about anything but…Thank God that nightmare’s over. And welcome back Dan.

  • Tawil

    Great to have you back Dan.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/MRAGreatestHits MRA-GH

    Hope you’re doing ok brother. Take it easy, remember how much love and respect you have here. The world and MRM needs Factory.

  • Mateusz

    I’m glad to hear you’re back with us, Dan. I’m grateful for all the work you’ve put into the movement and all you’ve done for your brothers out there. Much love and respect, for all you’ve done, and for who you are.

  • xnook

    Glad you’re with us.

  • schwing

    Your presence makes this world a better place. Thanks.

  • FarmCat

    Really REALLY glad you’re back Dan.

    You are seriously one of the coolest guys anywhere.

  • Auntie Pheminizm

    Some say depression is anger stood on its head. There’s a lot of truth in that. So I hope you don’t look at anger as something “sick.”

    When fembots call a man “angry” they use it as a shaming tactic to silence him and his righteous anger. They never ask WHY a male might be angry. Because that would open the floodgates and demolish the myth that men have no claim to grievances since they have “all the power.”

    On the other hand, wimmin make hay with “anger.” They are PROUD to “rage” because they think only their gender has issues…ones they blame entirely on men.

    Bitterly funny, no? Feminist say they are responsible for nothing, yet whine when they are not automatically handed positions of… responsibility.

    Much male “mental illness,” I suspect, stems from cultures that view men as lesser beings with no feelings. They take kids from men and expect fathers to soldier on, paying for the abuse heaped on them by courts that view dads solely as ATM automatons.

    And just look at how they treat male vets who return from war and need help healing from the contortions they were subjected to in order to protect other, including excluded-from-combat (because too “valuable”) females.

    So hang in there… for yourself and us. We’ve been collectively demonized and now we’re fighting back. We need you and others to complete our mission. It can feel very good to stand up for yourself…and have an army of brothers backing you!

    Be well.

    And heed “Steely Dan,” steely Dan:

    “I never seen you looking so bad my funky one.
    You tell me that your superfine mind has come undone.

    Any major dude with half a heart surely will tell you my friend…any minor world that breaks apart falls together again. When the demon is at your door, in the morning it won’t be there no more.”

  • Auntie Pheminizm

    Well, since we try to be honest here.,,,

    One night, years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night to find my mind racing. It was scary. I was afraid. It was dark, with no one around. I thought it too late to call local friends.

    I tried to “think” my way to calmness (I’ve since found that writing things down helps…maybe the physical act itself or the combination of movement with writing to the Soul).

    Anyway, a bit frantic, I called the Samaritans. Maybe because I’d heard an ad from them earlier in the day on the radio.

    I dialed…and was PUT ON HOLD!

    WTF?

    The female operator was apparently the lone help that evening and was frantically juggling several calls. She apologized and asked if I minded.

    The absurdity struck me as funny and I suddenly started laughing. I felt like I was in a Woody Allen movie. Almost instantly I felt better, humor bringing much-needed perspective. I realized in that instant that I just felt…lonely. And all I really needed was someone to show they understood and cared.

    I talked for about 10 minutes to the woman and felt much better. Since I was drinking a bit too much at the time, she suggested I go to an AA meeting. The next day I called AA and found a nearby meeting.

    I went, and although everyone talked, I didn’t get that all attendees were… DEAF. They signed during the break. I must have laughed for 10 minutes. Afterwards, several folks said I might feel more comfortable at a “hearing” group since their meetings were usually silent. They’d “gotten” when I first came in (pre-meeting) that I probably couldn’t sign. It was such a caring thing for them to do. It just added to my comfort, experiencing more love from complete strangers (like the Samaritaness).

    I went to other AA meetings, but ultimately felt it wasn’t for me. My drinking was mostly sporadic, based on feeling lonely. Plus I found AA to have its own issues, including the infamous “13th Step” (members having sex with each other, having found kindred souls). And the thinking that excess coffee-drinking, over-eating sweets, and smoking was kosher so long as one didn’t “drink.” Further, a lot of rituals seemed stuck in time, based on Bill W’s era, not evolving as I felt he would have had he lived longer.

    In any case, I was grateful for what AA offered, took it, and moved on.

    Point being, I suppose, that help of all sorts is out here. The challenge is to find what works for us individually.

    I think the MRM can help a lot of men (and the women who love them), too, in the way other groups help. Most faiths, in essence, stress the importance of love…. and the many ways it’s manifested.

    Leo Bascalgia said one time that he’d never experienced “existential angst” about the meaning of life. He said he’d been too busy as a child being hugged and kissed by his many relatives. So I suspect when we ask “What’s it all mean?” the answer is getting more love in our lives. Just like it’s said that jealously/envy is just a sign that we need to find more love and happiness in our own lives… and not get distracted by others who seem to have found what we need.

    • keyster

      MRA’s understand male pain better than any therapist. I can’t put it into words, but we just get it.
      You’re not an MRA if you haven’t hit some dark spots down the rabbit hole.

      All a man needs to do is ASK an MRA.
      Problem is they don’t ask.

  • http://mrathunderinthehammer.blogspot.com/ Dannyboy

    Dan,
    I am glad you were not successful in your plans.
    We don’t need anymore casualties, what we do need is writers and videographers like you.
    Onward and upward Dan
    Welcome back

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/RockingMrE?feature=mhee Rocking Mr. E

    If nothing else this movement should be about helping men like you hang in there. Thankfully this has proved to be the case in this instance.

    I’m so glad you are still here with us, and hope that, when you are ready, you will channel your angst into a productive sword of MRA fury!

    Today you have survived the battle, but we still need you for the war.

    All the best.

  • B.R. Merrick

    Hey Factory,

    Your avatar is a little blue man trying to hack off a big ball and chain. Keep hacking.

  • Primal

    For MORE, bigger, better, and stronger ‘manufacturin’ OR for whatever else is pressing but no de-pressing to you, please consider the heretical concepts that William Glasser MD developed on depression: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGOg5uqrlXY

  • http://www.cyclotronmajesty.net CyclotronMajesty

    Hey Factory,
    I have been there myself.
    I heard an interesting phrase once asked:
    “Is there anything in life worth dying for?”
    I find it an compelling paradoxical almost zen like koan.

    Hard to remember that in the moments of apocalypse.

    Depression some say is related to anger.
    Unexpressed anger can become depression.
    It’s very cathartic however to be able to express it.
    Even if refuted.
    The MRM can be good place to express, but MRAs must push the front line and express it abroad.
    That is where that energy really belongs.
    It is our rebellion against the Evil Matriarchy.

    I think it’s good to contemplate life and death and be willing to stake your life on following your will. In fact doing that is a sign of our situation:

    http://theabysmal.wordpress.com/2006/10/24/i-ching-hexagram-47/

    If you read that page you will notice that that particular book of wisdom suggest this ability to risk one’s life, to take one’s life into one’s own hands, is GOOD, and in fact a requirement for escaping oppression.

    Depression can defiantly distort reality. But you can turn it around, look at Jesus on the Cross:

    http://treypunk.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/crucifix.jpg

    I think it’s a perfect symbol of the fate of man, and speaks on so many levels to the MRM.

    We will prevail, in death we are remade stronger. Men as a whole are experiencing this death, ego death spiritual death whatever it is. The dark night of the soul.

    Through the death we actually destroy what is killing us, and are reborn stronger. This is a law of nature, reflected in the four seasons and every detail of reality if you look closely enough.

    The ego death actually is the downfall of the evil spirits which feed off the psyche as malevolent parasites.

    So by you coming through this you have not only been reborn yourself but have reborn the MRM as well, and defeated many evil spirits on other planes which are the minions of the Matriarchy.

    This I believe is a rite of passage for man, and man alone, womankind I do not think experience this archetype. From the days of nomadism to the present, this journey of death and resurrection, men have been in awe of this most intense drama of all duality of light and darkness.

    I’m glad you’ve been able to hold to the light.
    You’ve earned it.

    Stay alive…

  • Him There

    Dan/ Factory

    Up until about a month ago I’d never heard of you, let alone your work, much less what you were going through. There is almost no chance you’ve ever heard of me, and it’s unlikely we will ever meet.

    Nonetheless, from what I’ve heard and especially what you’ve written above, I don’t need to know you at all well to understand some of the journey you’ve been through. I absolutely understand the feeling of being alone, the sense that whatever you do or say or are makes no difference, the unending minute-by-minute, day-by-day, week-by-week pointlessness of it all and the all-pervading sense of hopelessness that colours everything. And I especially get the growing, tantalising hope that ending your life will end the daily, incessant pain.

    But for now – and I hope for some time – something, someone, some act, some thought stopped you, like it did me. When you next take a nosedive, try to remember that thing or act or thought or friend.

    The only comment you make that I take issue with is this:

    And while in hospital, nearly everyone else in there was also there for depression. So again, I’m not exactly a special case..

    No. Sorry, no, that “not a special case” BS will not pass muster with me. So what you don’t know me and never will, I still object to that voice in your head that says shit like that. That attitude is one of the reasons you got into the state you did. You may not be able to stop that voice in your head, but I hope you at least now know not to trust it, as I don’t trust the one in mine.

    I wish you the best of luck. Take heart from the many people here who say – quite rightly – that once you’ve been where you’ve been, much of the crap that daily life throws at you ceases to have much meaning or effect.

  • Skeptic

    Gladly I say that what stands out to me in this whole saga is that the MRM has shown through the amount of supportive comments and urgent humanitarian action directed to Factory both here on this thread and elsewhere that WE STAND TOGETHER as a community which takes care of it’s own.
    We hear MRA men’s pain as it is our own.
    That surely must give feminists much pause for thought.
    There’s another related phenomenon bearing in mind Paul taking some stress leave recently before bouncing back stronger than ever – As MRAs wisely step back from action for respite to recharge from time to time, others step forward into the breach so that our message continues to spread weakening the feminist cultural meme incrementally yet inexorably.
    I say this noticing recent new voices at aVFM and elswhere who add their wisdom and hard won insight.
    No wonder feminists and their enablers such as Futrelle and SPLC have recently tried to go on the offensive with their ridiculous lying bigoted misandry.
    They have much to fear as the light of truth held by growing numbers of MRA hands – shines onto their corrupt darkness.
    The rising Men’s Rights consciousness means it’s not a case of if it becomes mainstream, but only when it becomes so.
    Feminists beware.
    A Goliath is awakening.

  • JGteMolder

    Glad your back and doing better.

  • Corvid

    Happy you’re still with us, Dan.

  • Sickofit

    Your videos, articles and voiced opinions always encouraged me. Know that you are making a difference even if it isn’t visible just yet. Keep fighting. Keep FTSU.

  • carchamp1

    Wonderful to hear from you Dan!

    To Dan, Paul, John, Dr. T, Rocking Mr. E, GWW, etc., those of you on the front lines, please take care of yourselves. You are very vulnerable, not just because of your own issues, but because of the responsibility you’re taking on. It’s OK to take a break every once in a while and put yourself first.

    Regarding depression, of which I’ve been suffering for many years myself, we all need to be better about accepting this disease. I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve seen someone making light of how many women are on anti-depressants. Not only is this assertion irrelevant to men’s rights, it sends the wrong message to those struggling with it.

    Thanks Dan for all your work. Really, I can’t thank you enough. The future of the MRM is bright because of people like you. This whole movement gives me hope for my future.

  • dalriada

    I’m relieved you’re still with us! You’ve been an inspiration to many. I can still remember discovering your YouTube channel, and watching your videos in a marathon viewing session. Like a man dying of thirst reaching an oasis!

  • http://counterfem.blogspot.com Fidelbogen

    I’m late for the party here, but . . .

    Welcome back from the brink, brother!

  • Dazza

    Welcome back Dan and well said.

    Wishing you a complete recovery.

    And I do believe “every setback is a setup for a comeback”

  • Red0660

    Dan there is an MRA meet up in Colorado in June or July and I’d like you to come. Talk to Paul. (I’m hoping it gets announced again and organized so we are all on the same page) Furthermore I live in Colorado. Paul knows my real identity. You are welcome in my home at any time.

    I mean it sincerely when I tell you that you are not alone. There would be few things more meaningful to me now a days than to have the opportunity to offer a helping hand to you. If for any reason you want to do so simply tell paul to contact me and he will get us in touch. Perhaps we can head down to the MRA meet up together.

  • modi thorsson

    Welcome back Dan, im really glad you are ok. You are not alone here, the entire MRM is here for support.

  • Pierre Robes

    Dan,

    As I was losing my mind, having accidentally – like the involuntary protagonist of some H.P. Lovecraft novel – seen the world through angles not intended, TFL started to make sense and absolute misogyny seemed the proper reaction.

    The monologues of you and Paul are what helped me regain focus and adjust the sails, so to speak.

    Do not underestimate your value.