Sexually abused by a woman in childhood?

Via UK men’s activists Glen Poole, I was recently put in contact with researcher Hannah Clements. Hannah is doing a study on people who, as minors aged 15 and under, were sexually abused by a woman or multiple women, and their experiences in telling (or not-telling) about it. I have corresponded with her extensively and, while I’m not normally so self-revealing in public about such matters, this seems important: I wound up being one of her study subjects. No, I don’t particularly want to discuss the particulars of my case, but, I will say that in addition to extensive correspondence with Hannah Clements, I also had a two hour phone interview which was personally both wrenching and liberating, and she was the soul of sensitivity and compassion as I related my experiences.

She’s had a hard time getting men to participate in this research. I believe this has much to do with the sexual shaming of males that is the norm in British as well as American culture. And the bizarre but common belief that if you have the penis, you cannot have been preyed upon by a woman. To quote recent correspondence I’ve had with Clements:

…I am really trying to reach people, particularly men to speak with, so if you could spread awareness of my study that would be most appreciated…

…Most research exploring survivors of sexual abuse focuses on male abusers, and a hidden and growing number of people abused by females seem to be over-looked in research. This study hopes to offer this silenced group a voice, and it hopes to inform the clinical care and support healthcare professionals offer when they seek help; to raise awareness, and make the process of sharing as sensitive and supportive as it can be.

I am looking to invite people to consider taking part via online supportive communities such as this. If you are interested in reading more please go Survivors of female perpetrated sexual abuse and their experiences of disclosure where you can read more on my blog, about me and my study. Or…follow me on Twitter on @FPSA_research.

If you would like to take part, speak with me or learn more, please go to the ‘contact me’ section of my website and leave your number, and I will arrange a relaxed telephone interview. The sensitivity of this area is not underestimated, and you will be supported throughout, including with the telephone interview which can be at your pace, and when you choose it to be.

Your potential contribution is hugely valuable, and thank you for taking the time to consider being involved. Please do visit my blog above if you want to ask me anything, or to learn more,
Thank you very much, and with my warmest wishes,


Although I don’t generally go about blathering my personal life on the front page of A Voice For Men, I figured if I let you guys know that this is something that happened to me as a kid, and that I thoroughly checked out Hannah and her credentials, and was one of her interview subjcts, then you’d be less worried about talking to her yourself. So I encourage anyone at A Voice For Men who was sexually molested or abused by a woman at the age of 15 or under contact Hannah Clements right away. She needs subjects, but she’s got to close out her study in the next week or two.

It bothers me that researchers have rarely seemed interested in us men who have experienced such things, or to have any interest in female perpetrators–and by the way, I’m particular sick of people who think it’s funny, like if you’re a 15 year old boy seduced by a 30 year old woman you won some kind of lottery. Yeah, fuck you. Hannah doesn’t think it’s funny, she thinks it is serious and needs more attention, and she was very compassionate and let me talk at my own pace, but very thorough and professional. If you qualify, if you have a real story to tell her, I urge you to contact her right away. All your information will be kept confidential and your name will not be released to the public.

Oh, and in case you were wondering: she’ll talk to anyone in any part of the world. I told her Americans, Canadians, Aussies, Kiwis, and others read this site, and she says that would be wonderful, she will make arrangements to contact you, at her university’s expense, all you have to do is set up a time that works for you (and her). I live in the United States, she’s in England, but that did not matter. Our interview was lengthy and thorough and taken at my pace not hers.

Please note: while anyone who wishes to discuss this topic in the comments here on A Voice For Men is perfectly free to do so, the point is not to get you to disclose information in the comments here. The point is to get you to contact Hannah Clements to take part in the confidential study, or forward this on to someone you know who might want to be a part. I don’t plan on divulging any further personal details here on AVFM on my particular case history, not because I am ashamed but because I simply don’t want to. That said I’m certain no one here will look down on you if you choose to discuss it here. And if they do give you grief they can expect a shit-kicking because if that happened to you and you want to talk about it here, you damn well can.

But seriously, if you qualify, contact Hannah right away, because that’s the priority. She needs more men but she has to close out her study in the next week. All you need is the ability to speak English, access to a phone, and a willingness to participate. Contact her by Friday if you can.


*Important Update*:

Astoundingly, within a few hours of this going up, Hannah, who has been looking for men for months, suddenly has more than she can handle. Makes me want to cry. She has to carefully evaluate everybody to make sure they match the needs for her study (encounters must have been age 15 and under, for example) and so she can give each person the attention they deserve, the interview typically takes 1-2 hours!

She may as a result of this posting start having to turn people away!

What I suggest therefore is that if you haven’t already contacted her but still want to, you let her know up front you understand that she may be full up but you’re available if she winds up needing someone after all. Some candidates she’s already gotten may not turn up (i.e. it’s not too uncommon for someone to volunteer and then disappear), or for someone to come forward but turns out to have an unusable story (because they perhaps did not carefully read–for example if you were older than 15, it doesn’t make your case undeserving of attention but you do not fit *this* study).

So if you contact her and she turns you away *do not* feel rejected. Just let her know you’re available anyway. And otherwise if this has gotten you thinking about stuff from the past, it’s not a bad idea to find a therapist to talk to about it. I know it led me to some dark places that needed healing and I will be talking to a professional about it–I’ve kept this locked away in my head for decades.

About Dean Esmay

Dean Esmay has written for Huffington Post, Thought Catalog, The Moderate Voice, Honey Badger Brigade, and A Voice for Men. He is a writer and podcaster with Erin Pizzey on domestic violence, Mumia Ali on race issues, and various shows on geek culture. He encourages people to look at issues through the lens of compassion for men who deserve it, and respect for women who deserve it. He is the author of the critically-acclaimed novel Methuselah's Daughter.

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  • OneHundredPercentCotton

    Thank you, Dean.

    This is looooong over due.

    Far be it from me to come to an MRA site and start criticizing, but this is ONE area where it’s needed.

    As the mother whose son’s life was intentionally ruined by a female predator, I am hyper sensitive to the joking and flippant attitudes MEN, even more so then women, display toward male sexual abuse by women.

    On the “sluts” discussion thread I gently chided a man making jokes about wanting to be raped by a woman because I didn’t have the guts to tell him what an asshole I thought he was.

    I don’t hear men who are actually victims of rape or molest joking about it.

    • Arvy

      I think it’s fair to say that male victims of sexual predators are generally reluctant to discuss it openly. In many cases, that is precisely because they fear being made the object of “jokes” and disparagement, assuming they’re even believed in the first place. For that reason, among others, cases of male molestation by females are almost certainly under-reported, probably by a very large percentage.

      A surprisng number of people seem to regard a little diddling as okay, IF the diddler is a woman. Some even seem to think that the boy or man should just enjoy it and be grateful.

      One hopes that studies like this one may help to correct misunderstanding about both the prevalence of such incidents and their life-long impacts on the victims. But given the current feminist-oriented environment, any expectation of results even seeing the light of day may be a vain hope.

      • OneHundredPercentCotton

        After a few drinks, my sister in law used to openly laugh about molesting baby boys to anyone listening at crowded parties, like it was some naughty little thing she used to get away with, and not one person at the time objected or even acted repulsed. They laughed along with her! I guess because I had a much younger brother, and the thought of someone doing something like that to him was sickening…I never trusted her around my brother at the time, and my own kids years later while they were small.

        She said once the parents walked in and caught her doing it. When I asked what their reaction was, she shrugged and said they just never asked her to baby sit again. No big deal.

        I let my guard down years later when she claimed her 4 year old daughter had been raped by the 5 year old neighbor boy, thinking she had learned how devastating it was.

        I found out the hard way the accusation was false, and her “agnst” was a put on for sympathy and unquestioned acceptance. Munchaussen’s by Proxy, she reveled in her “mother of victim” status.

        I was barred from participating in my son’s case because I “retraumatized the victim” by telling the police about her past. My son was doubly punished when she wrote a letter to the Judge complaining I had tried to contact people who might have rememebered her talking about it. I contacted her boyfriend from that time, told him what was going on, but he said all he remembered was the (many) times she claimed to be pregnant when she wasn’t.

        He then called her the next day to see if she might be interested in getting together again. Disaterous. I tried contacting neighbors who remembered her falsely accusing a 5 year old neighbor boy of raping her daughter, which she now claimed never happened.

        It’s scary how everyone circled the wagons to protect HER, just because she was a woman claiming victimhood. Like the Casey Anthony case proved, you can literally get away with murder by claiming “victim” staus.

        Her statements to the police were implausible contradictions and self incriminations, yet they fiercely defended HER and chided ME (again “retraumatizing the victim”) for pointing out the obvious.

        This promises to be a long, uphill climb exposing this particular crime, and “women are good, men are bad” prevails, even when men are the victims.

        It’s going to take MALE victim’s activism and speaking out to make any changes. The silence of men only serves to imply consent.

        Believe me, NO ONE gives a damn about a mother crying over her son’s victimization.

        • Arvy

          I certainly do believe you. They care no more (if anything, less) about a father’s tears. In fact, despite the many “think of the children” pleas, concern over their tears often seems more self-serving than real also.

          I’m afraid I’ve become quite cynical about much public advocacy and its proclaimed purposes, regardless of the sex of the advocates. I’m just hoping that the efforts here may prove — in most cases at least — to be an exception to the prevalent hypocrisy. It’s an uphill struggle all the way.

          • OneHundredPercentCotton

            @”They care no more (if anything, less) about a father’s tears.”

            You know, Arvy, it rarely ever I hear a father comment on this subject.

            It’s been a rotting 800lb corspe of a gorilla in my marriage that my husband has never spoken up on my son’s behalf. His course of action is to act like it never happened, never speak of it, and even praises the fact that our son is stoic as well.

            I AM relieved my son has not allowed this to ruin his life, that he doesn’t dwell on it and hasn’t become angry or bitter about it.

            Sweeping it under the rug is suffocating to me, however, which is why I appreciate more than I can say, being allowed to vent and speak of it here.

          • Arvy

            @onehundredpercentcotton: Knowing none of the parties involved directly, it’s obviously difficult to respond to that intelligently. I can say from personal experience, however, that stoicism can sometimes be a form of covering up and seldom a truly useful or even healthy response to real human tragedy, especially not in the long term.

            I certainly don’t think that encouraging your son to hide whatever his true feelings may be behind some mask of male stoicism would be doing him any favours. On the other hand, your husband may honestly believe that it is the “manly” thing, both to do himself and to advise. If so, you probably won’t change his mind. Some men really can be quite stupidly stubborn that way. My own father certainly was. I should add, however, that he did care very much. Just refused to show it.

            As for your own suffocation, if sharing the frustration helps, I think you’ll probably find as much sympathetic understanding here as you’re likely to find in any venue.

        • Dean Esmay

          Although in the short term it may seem like no one cares what you’re saying, I’m not the only one convinced that the willingness of women such as yourself to speak out is crucial to success in changing cultural attitudes. More and more women are seeing their sons, grandsons, husbands, brothers, boyfriends, nephews, cousins getting horrendously fucked over, and being willing to stand up publicly and say so. It makes a difference.

          Yes it has to be mostly men who steer the men’s movement, but the stout voices of strong women are incredibly important.

  • Dr. Tara J. Palmatier

    With Dean’s and Paul’s permission, I’d be happy to post this over at S4M.

    • Dean Esmay

      Yes, yes, please do Tara! Time window is closing so the sooner the better.

      • Dr. Tara J. Palmatier

        You got it, Dean.

        Will do so straight away.

        Thank you for granting permission to republish.

        • Dr. Tara J. Palmatier
          • Dean Esmay

            Gah! Now we have to say “slow up!” See update, and comment in moderation on your blog.

            IMHO it’s a good thing that makes me happy but apparently now Hannah’s drinking from a firehose and can’t keep up!

            That tell you anything? LOL

          • Dr. Tara J. Palmatier

            Just read and approved the comment, Dean. I was away from my computer for a few hours.

            Glad to have helped.

  • ChrisD

    Wow, I have some serious respect for this woman. Attempting to get a PhD with a thesis based on female perpetrators of sexual abuse is I believe quite a risk. These studies are never popular, often ignored and can affect a person’s entire career. She is also uncommon in how she hasn’t been tainted by the system she works in to believe men are 99% of offenders.

    I wonder if the media will finally pick this one up and present it in the right light, or will they twist it like usual? Are we in a time now where things are finally opening up slightly and we can discuss this issue without ridicule and lies being thrown at anyone who dares to tell the truth?

  • harrywoodape

    Well done Dean. That’s guts. You are doing a world of good.

  • The Real Peterman

    For anyone who has been molested, even if you don’t take part in this study please find someone to talk to about it. Don’t just bottle up your past and hope it takes care of itself.

  • Primal

    It’s critically important to have male researchers do this kind of work because women never really know how to address the big questions relating to masculinity. That said, it’s nice to see that someone is working on this topic finally. Bless this researcher for taking the risk, particularly from inside what Dr. T calls the ‘estrogen ghetto’.

    • Dr. Tara J. Palmatier

      I agree, Primal. The problem is that the number of men in the field/entering the field of Psychology shrinks (no pun intended) every year.

      It’s amazing when a woman in the Estrogen Ghetto wants to help men. I wonder how difficult it was for Dr Clements to get funding for this study?

      • Dean Esmay

        It’s part of her PhD thesis so the more men we can get to come forward to help her the better.

        • Dr. Tara J. Palmatier

          In that case, I wonder how she got it approved by her chair and IRB?

      • tallwheel

        It probably helps that she’s not a man.

      • Primal

        That’s unlikely to change soon. Academia itself is a feminine (‘matriculative’) bee hive…and no guy in his right mind would knowingly suffer the kind of crap you did in the Estrogen Ghetto. That said, we do have Leonard Sax, Anthony Synnott and some other courageous guys going gang buster (literally). The popularity of psychology to males will probably depend on some sort of potent male/masculine psychological wisdom being brought in to balance all the touchy feely stuff which predominates now.

  • napocapo69

    It reminds me a situation some years ago, when four female friends of mine were playing with the penis of a 6 months old son of one of my friends. Immediately I tried to figure what would have happened if there were four males playing with the vagina of a 6 months daughter…

    Double standards…

    • Arvy

      And, if you had reported their sexual molestation of an infant to the “proper authorities”, the most likely reaction would have been to charge you with some kind of offense merely because of your presence.

      Sexual predation on juveniles is, by definition, a strictly male activity. That was one of feminism’s earliest victories, especially in isolating their emerging young boy slaves away from any mature masculine influences which, also by definition, are inherently dangerous.

  • Dean Esmay

    OMG you guys are amazing. Hannah’s emailed me to say she’s been slammed with more responses than she can handle. See the update I just put on this article!

  • droobles

    This is a post really bringing good news. A fast and large response to the AVfM actions.

    Really brings up my hopes on activism, as of now quite unsuccessful but still relentless, in Brasil!

    • Arvy

      The overwhelming “firehose” of responses is certainly encouraging. Ever the pessimist, however, I’ll point out the bad news that such scholarly studies and invitations to which male victims of abusive females can respond in full confidence of being treated with some measure of understanding are quite rare. They just don’t fit the currently prescribed “gender studies” doctrine. I’d like to think that is changing, but I’ll need a lot more convincing.

      • Raven01

        95% in juvenile detention centers in the US are women. I can give you the link if you ever need it. From the Bureau of Statistic in the Department of Justice, not some egghead with an axe to grind so, virtually impervious to attack.

        Edit: Not sure how that happened I was replying to Tawil below.

  • Tawil

    Great subject to bring out into the open, Dean!

    BTW, Here’s a table by the Government Department of Child Protection showing substantiated sexual abuse of minors by females in the State of Western Australia- it shows women were perpetrators in at least 15% of substantiated cases. One can only imagine what the real figures are in this culture of “women never do it”. On that table be sure to look at the column for physical violence against children which shows mothers perpetrate more violence than fathers!

    • Raven01
      95% female perpetrators among staff on charges sexual misconduct/rape.
      It blows the misconception that being born a woman automatically makes a person good, caring, and the “go to” people when wanting to provide a child with a safe environment.

  • http://none universe

    To state the glaringly obvious, as other commenters have already, this topic is long past due, given the alleged equality measures forced upon the Euro and Western worlds.

    Not having been molested sexually in my childhood years I cannot imagine what that experience would have been like and, importantly, how that experience would have impacted my life thereafter.
    There appears to be a lot to know in this realm – young boys sexually interfered with by older females. I hope that this as a subject matter receives more than its share of consideration. Especially minus the hype and resulting regimented witch-hunt hysteria.

    I do have a question for the readership.
    Is there a documented connection between sexually molested boys by an older female and being a perpetrator of rape upon women in his adult years?
    I suspect the possibility but lack the proof.

    My condolences to those who have personal experience in this subject matter.

    • Dean Esmay

      This appears to be an understudied area as political correctness has dominated for so long, but studies done as much as 30 years ago showed the overwhelming majority of convicted rapists were subjected to various forms of severe abuse as children. I’ve never seen a breakout of sexual vs. non-sexual abuse but I would bet my left testicle it’s at least half.

      I was molested by both a man and a woman, although in separate, completely unrelated time periods–I.E.not together, there was one period of a month or so with a man and then a couple of years later a female predator entered my life. They never knew each other, never within miles of each other, let alone in the same room together. But in the case of the female predator I know she’d been a victim herself (well she told me so anyway).

      I mention all that only because even in cases where they do study female sex predators, there’s been a long-standing habit of saying that if a male was present during the molestation, then he was the responsible party and assumed she was just dragged along (hypoagency again). Well not only is that a lie, but it would be a double lie in my case since neither one of them was ever in the same room together, these were years apart basically.

      Oh, did I say I was not going to be more forthcoming about this? Yeah I did except I just had a talk with my therapist (see? I follow my own advice) and he said the more I talk about this the better off I am–not to dwell on it or be angsty about it but be able to talk about it without either bragging or getting emotional. And no, not necessarily to discuss it here, but with anyone who cares. This is not my personal therapy forum. That said, you asked a question that sparked my response.

      You would think if we wanted to reduce rape and sexual abuse we’d be doing everything we can to study this behavior and what drives it and how to treat it and reduce it more effectively, but when we’re so busy assuming we know (“patriarchy” and “sexism” and rampant “rape culture” that assumes men as a group can put a stop to the whole thing by just not being so rapey) it’s hard to know what the truth is. Although most abused persons do NOT become abusers, I would be willing to wager my left testicle that the vast majority of perpetrators of sexual abuse were victims of it at some point.

      • OneHundredPercentCotton

        Fourteen years ago, when my son was forced to undergo sex abuse therapy as an innocent person, the BIG thought at the time was most abusers were themselves abused.

        That idea seems to have been reversed, and is considered “irrevelant” now.

        With women claiming that 1 in 4, one it 3, 1 in two women are sexually molested or assaulted, it would follow that WOMEN would be the majority of abusers.

        Of COURSE we can’t have THAT idea floating out there, so the abused abuser theory had been withdrawn.

        There IS solid evidence that rapists and serial killers come from single mother homes, however.

        Women are much more sneaky and subtle with their sexual abuses. I hate to say this for fear of witch hunting, but I DO believe a LOT of men are abused by their mothers and not even aware it is abuse. I’ve walked in on my husband’s mother talking to him stark naked when he was well into his late 20’s. Neither acted like it was odd, but to me it just seemed…weird…

        One of my son’s girlfriends told me as a kid, her best friend’s mother would squirt whip cream on her toes and suck it off when she stayed overnight.

        She just laughed at me when I suggested that wasn’t…normal…and I guess all things considered, it’s not the worst thing someone could do. I still get that vague gut knot when I think about it, though.

      • The Real Peterman

        “You would think if we wanted to reduce rape and sexual abuse we’d be doing everything we can to study this behavior”

        The more I debate with feminists, the more I think that most of them don’t care about reducing rape, but instead care about women not being blamed for rape (they don’t want women blamed for anything at all, but anyway). Say to a feminist something like “hey, since alcohol is the most common date rape drug, let’s tell women not to let a stranger get them drunk” and she’ll crucify you. She doesn’t care whether or not that advice works as much as she cares about no responsibility whatsoever being put on women.

        • Dean Esmay

          This in my view is the main problem with most forms of feminism, circa 2012: the desire for rights but to escape responsibility (i.e. actually be adults). I have always been willing to concede a valid point to a feminist, and been of the view that 50, 60 years ago they had MORE valid complaints than they do now. In fact today it’s hard to see where they have any valid complaints unless they come from isolated communities or are in parts of the world where things are radically different from here. But I have also been of the view that feminism even when it did have legitimate complaints half a century ago, still ran off the rails with the Patriarchy Theory which posits that men arranged society primarily for the benefit of men, which is bullshit. If I were to look at all of the big issues of today, whatever list of complaints feminists have that are actually valid are dwarfed by what men face. But they’re still real enough I suppose. I think the only one I see commonly is that some–some– men still have a tendency to condescend to women, which I think has a lot to do with neoteny (see Girlwriteswhat’s latest video). And when you look at that compared to the arrest, prosecution, and sentencing discount they get, the deranged state of the family courts, violence, homelessness, poverty, unemployment, education… if they can’t concede that men have enormous problems in these areas and that they have an obligation to do something about it, if they’re still clinging to their outmoded “Patriarchy Theory that grabs all the goodies for men,” if they blame men for everything and refuse to accept personal responsibility, then fuck ’em, they’re bigots.

      • http://none universe

        My apologies to you for having taken so long to acknowledge your reply to me and respond to it, as well. I am often away from the webs for days at a time.

        Your last statement: “You would think if we wanted to reduce rape and sexual abuse we’d be doing everything we can to study this behavior and what drives it and how to treat it and reduce it more effectively,…
        – Ain’t that the truth.
        And, yes, isn’t it obvious that one would think that undertaking a full 360 degree examination of sexual interference with young people and full disclosure of the results of such will lead us closer to effectively limiting this inter-generational problem.
        Then the remainder of your statement: “…but when we’re so busy assuming we know (“patriarchy” and “sexism” and rampant “rape culture” that assumes men as a group can put a stop to the whole thing by just not being so rapey) it’s hard to know what the truth is. “ – pretty much sums it up.
        ‘Politcal correctness’ (IN-correctness rather), that new-speak term bordering on mind control, appears to be a factor in haulting progress toward examining the causes behind vexing the spirits of however many boys and young men subject to being inappropriately sexually encroached upon by much older females.
        However, I’m inclined to assert that the protectiveness toward women predates political correctness by many years. And that a moratorium on besmirtching the traditional image of woman as nuturer has been upheld by members of the unspoken covert sisterhood. As for the men who assent or contribute to hiding the deviancy away from such an image do so to obtain peace at home. Either origin of way or looking in only one direction to point fingers isn’t helpful to the cause to reduce or end much of anything.

      • Paul Carr

        Thanks for sharing, Dean!

    • Primal

      I do have a question for the readership.
      Is there a documented connection between sexually molested boys by an older female and being a perpetrator of rape upon women in his adult years?

      Yes, indeed. One study (can’t remember where) found that 66% of a group of male serial rapists were raped/ or sexually abused by older women in childhood.

      • http://none universe

        Thanks for the input.
        Often times relevant data has a tendency to resurface. Hope it comes your way again. This particular reference can be usefull to maintaining momentum.

    • gwallan

      From The Invisible Boy

      Finally, there is an alarmingly high rate of sexual abuse by females in the backgrounds of rapists, sex offenders and sexually aggressive men – 59% (Petrovich and Templer, 1984), 66% (Groth, 1979) and 80% (Briere and Smiljanich, 1993). A strong case for the need to identify female perpetrators can be found in Table 4, which presents the findings from a study of adolescent sex offenders by O’Brien (1989). Male adolescent sex offenders abused by “females only” chose female victims almost exclusively.

      A local counsellor of my acquaintance who has worked in our prison system put it at three quarters. When I argued with him – suggesting it was excuse making on the part of those perps – he suggested I consider where their anger may have come from.

      Studies looking at survivors rather than perpetrators tend to find that about one in ten become offenders.

      • Tawil

        Here’s a Facebook page devoted to The Invisble Boy:

        Here’s the blurb:

        This forum is for discussion of the global problem of violence against boys. We also invite general discussion about discrimination against boys in social attitudes, education, social support services and law.

        Why are we so tolerant of violence and abuse against boys and why do we still tolerate a world where we send boys to fight the wars among adults? Why do we feel the need to water down the soul-destroying, bone breaking and often deadly violence against boys to the lightweight category ‘bullying’? If you conduct an internet search for books on “violence against girls” you will find literally hundreds of empathetic websites, books and papers on the subject. However, if you conduct a search for “violence against boys” you will not find a single title anywhere. NOT ONE ! We must point the finger at the so-called anti-violence advocates and reveal that they are actively ignoring boys, or worse, stereotyping them exclusively as perpetrators. On this forum we will do better.

        Let us break the taboo against acknowledging male victims. They number in the hundreds of millions. You know them and you may even be one of them. This forum is for discussion of boys experience of being bashed, assaulted, battered, beaten, maimed, raped, tortured, disabled or killed, and of the social attitudes which support our silence. More importantly it is a forum where we can talk about strategies and solutions for reducing violence, and talk of the ways we might better care for the victims. What actions can we take to help boys’ grow up free from violence and challenge our collective tolerance and support of violence against boys?

      • Dean Esmay

        Isn’t it amazing that all the studies you point to here are over 20 years old? To the best of my knowledge, subsequent study has not rendered any of them obsolete. Instead, interest in the subject seems to have just vanished. Unless I’m missing something, and I don’t think I am. Could certain ideologues have hijacked the scientific research community in this area? Hmmm. No, surely not, surely not…

      • http://none universe

        Given my absences from a computer I send a rather belated thank you for providing a lead reference to my open question.
        Much appeciated.We’ve something to work with now.

  • Robert O'Hara

    I believe that this is quite possibly the bravest post ever to appear on AVFM. This subject of male children having been subjected to sexual abuse by a female partner is truly an edifice of a taboo that must be broken. The results of this research should be posted here and disseminated to anyone who will listen whether they be in the academic. clinical or otherwise broader community of interested individuals and the public.

    Bravo Mr. Esmay! I am so proud and yet humbled to be in the same company as the likes of you.

  • ActaNonVerba

    Good job Dean and kudos to guys that went through something like that having the sack to talk about it for the greater good.

  • Skeptic

    Thank you Dean.
    A brave post, although one I must admit I have some mixed feelings about.
    Your post reminds me of something I’m now fine with talking about. I remember having a girlfriend when I was about 13 years old. We used to hang out at her house as it was larger and we could have a spare sitting room to ourselves to play records and chat. On one such occasion her mother burst into the room drunk, pushed me down onto a couch and proceeded to mount me with legs astride, slobbering mouth all over my face and hands groping at my groin area. The girlfriend and I battled to get her mother off me, and she stumbled off to her bedroom presumably to sleep off her drunkenness. In terribly British fashion the whole matter was never spoken of again. This was not the only time in my childhood when I was molested by a woman either.

    Skip forward to 1987 – I started taking the red pill by being exposed to Warren Farrell’s fantastic book “The myth of male power” which got me thinking deeply about my expendability as a male.
    At the time I was gung ho in being able to talk to virtually everyone I met about all manner of men’s issues – except the sexual abuse of boys by women. It took me many years to overcome a fear I had, that if I did speak out about that issue, and identified myself as a survivor that my criticisms of feminism and women wouldn’t be taken seriously, but mislabelled and rejected as only coming from someone who is “bitter and twisted against all women because of a couple of bad experiences as a boy with women” when that wasn’t the case.
    I wouldn’t be too surprised if there are a lot of other guys caught in the same emotional dynamic. So I’m delighted to hear this researcher has been overwhelmed with offers from guys willing to share their experiences with her.
    Several years ago I opened up in such a fashion to a woman writing her Doctoral Thesis on Female Perpetrators of Sexual Abuse. Full disclosure. I was deeply humiliated and enraged when I discovered she’d duped me into believing her thesis would be done sensitively. Why? Because she interviewed several men who’d experienced being boys sexually abused by women and used their painful recollections to push a dogmatic feminist agenda. Her thesis basically stated that –
    1. female sexual abusers are a tiny minority of abusers.
    2. female’s sexually abuse ONLY to act out their pain at being oppressed by the patriarchy.
    3. Due to the patriarchal nature of contemporary society men were significantly empowered and didn’t need the resources women survivors of sexual abuse as children NEEDED.
    As you can imagine I felt fucked over all over again.

    Thus I urge any man thinking of coming out like I did to be smarter than I was and thoroughly check the direction in which the dissertation or thesis being written is directed by asking what EXACTLY is it being designed to prove / disprove?

    • Dean Esmay

      There can be no doubt that what happened to you is sexual assault. If you were a fully adult male we would probably call it minor assault, but at age 13, which is a very impressionable and emotionally vulnerable age I’d consider it more than minor. What’s most infuriating is that if you’d done the most appropriate thing–violently shove her off you and slap her if necessary–you’d be considered a horrible brute and probably a criminal.

      Your story of the researcher who pwned you is troubling. The possibility had not occurred to me. As I’m given to saying, “My therapist says I’m paranoid but I’m pretty sure he’s just out to get me.” I suppose we do have to worry about this. If so the publication will show us the truth, she has promised to share results and the paper with all participants, and this is the last group of men you want to fuck with because we’ll be very very vocal if she twists and distorts shit.

      I will say that not only was she very sensitive and caring during the interview, but she actually broke traditional English reserve and started getting emotional at some of the stuff I had to tell her (this was pretty deep stuff and involved years of mistreatment, not just a couple of incidents). I also expressed frustration that no one had seemed interested in any of these goings on when they were happening even though if I’d been a girl and she’d been a man no one would have had any question that something was deeply wrong, which she completely agreed with. I gave my opinion that men are invisible and ignored in this area and she was not only moved by that but asked if she could quote me on that and she told me that this was very much an eye-opening experience for her and she would definitely not only be putting it in her study but that it would inform not only her own practice but those on her team. She asked me about whether the availability of services had ever been adequate and I said “What services? They’re all for women that I’ve seen,” and she got even more upset, and not in an angry way but in a shaken way.

      So I’m going to do my best to let go of paranoia and assume at face value that she’s legitimate. If not,then, we’ll know soon enough and will respond then.

  • Codebuster

    I suspect that a lot of female sexual abuse goes under the radar because women don’t get boners, so they act out their sexual abuse in ways that don’t seem sexual. For example:

    1) A nun’s favorite boy student in a catholic school gets slapped around every time he acts up, yet she fawns over him as the cleverest and the smartest kid in class;
    2) A woman who wants to rub sunscreen over a boy allegedly so that he is protected from the sun, and then gets upset and abusive when he doesn’t want to play this game.

    I’ve seen it happen. How would you know whether or not a nun or someone’s mother is sexually aroused?

    Google the terms breastfeeding and arousal. Unsurprisingly, given that so much of female sexuality is about denial, you will find contradictory comments, but the evidence is in… many women do get aroused during breastfeeding.

    There seems to be much more going on than feminists… or maybe even the majority of women themselves… will ever acknowledge. It’s an interesting question… how do women “know” to be secretive about their sexual proclivities? Is it part and parcel of being provided-for? Does being provided-for come with implicit obligations and secrets so as to maintain the loyalty of one’s provider?

  • heartless bastard

    I have been abused by females in my life from sex abuse to mind altering pills being forced down my throat.The one thing i noticed early on is that the men that are the most violent or angry towards women are also the ones most likey to of been abused by women themselves, the angier or more violent they are the more tragic their past was. One look at serial killer bios and you will see what i mean, how many boys will get lost in their own pain? and how many of those boys will not be able to move on? how many of those boys will become killers? No one ever just becomes hatefull that hate is learned over time and becomes “normal” but its not, for example if a young black person was growing around white racist people and only ever saw white people being racist how long would it take that same black person to think every white person is racist? and how long after that would that same black person use the same hatred back?

  • shane42

    Its good that people are talking about female perpetrators. I was abused by my own mother and my two older cousins since I a was six till 12 my mother would fondle me everytime time she could . my cousin introduced me to a world of sexual perversion at just six. I had nightmares and fear of being alone I didn’t even know the reason why I was feeling the way I was recently . At 12 I was verbally and physically abused by other cousin . Women often feel that they could get away with anything because society sees them as harmless and less damaging that was one of the reasons I never told anyone because men are always viewed as being tough and macho in fact I use say to myself that it was normal what my mother did just to feel ok

    • Dean Esmay

      About 90% of victims of female predators report not being believed.

      It’s insidious. Not only does it demonize half the population (men being seen as particularly more dangerous when there’s little evidence that they are) but it leaves a huge chunk of their victims marginalized and ignored, and perversely also potentially leads us to exaggerating things a man does that we ignore when a woman does. (Man exposing himself = probably child rapist, woman exposes herself = almost meaningless, when in reality both experiences should arguably be somewhere between “traumatic” and “mildly disturbing or confusing”).