As I was riding to work with a workmate, not a folding one a talking one, we got onto the subject of sex between a female teacher and a student. My friend took the position that she was doing him a favor and I have to say I was really intrigued by his opinion. I really couldn’t understand how anyone could view this as a favor and at the same time be in any way thoughtful about the event. I really wanted to understand where he was coming from. I asked him how he arrived at that outlook. His response was “well the kid got laid, bonus for him”.
I really had to ask in response: Are you telling me that you believe that sex was the only thing that took place and that there could not have been any other exchange? Well like what he said? How about conversation, how about coercion, how about manipulation? Really when you think about it, if it is that acceptable why are there laws that prohibit it? Have you considered the possibility that a fourteen year old boy may in fact have feelings and can be affected by such an encounter?
The crime is against boys, vulnerable to their own inability to protect themselves, to understand the emotional and sexual coercion, the betrayal and condemnation.
My point is that men as much as women depend on their partner for validation and affirmation that contributes to their self-esteem. I’m sure you’ve heard the term “if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Your partner’s ability to contribute to your emotional equilibrium is a real power that she possesses to influence you and your state of mind and you’re a full grown mature man of 55.
To the extent that you can be affected by your partner as an adult male, are you seriously going to ask me to believe that a 14 year old child is not going to feel any effects on his self-esteem, or self-image from a single sexual encounter with a 40 year old woman? These are the most critical years for young men, they transition into manhood and are trying to figure out their place in the world. At a time when a young man is challenged to fulfill the power over his own life, plot a course and make choices that affect his life, he is being manipulated emotionally by someone who dramatically outranks his life experience.
As a young man, I grew up in foster care and in my teen years I resided in a “boy’s home.” The home was run by a middle aged couple that I initially thought were pretty cool, after a time of settling I discovered different. It became apparent to me that the woman/wife a 46 year old was fucking some of the guys. In retrospect, I realize that the normal routines I began to question were in fact a process of grooming. At 14 I was allowed to drink alcohol, in fact all the other guys over 14 were allowed to drink. The restriction was one 26oz bottle per week. At fourteen against what anyone believes, this practice just builds and reinforces alcoholism.
These heroes of male orphans would hold parties that were described as opportunities for the guys to open up and learn to socialize. The problem I found was that only adults attended, except for the 6 resident guys. These were people none of the guys knew. Wives slow dancing with young boys while their husbands sat and watched. The awkwardness of the setting was obvious and the guys preferred not to participate and found it to be very twisted. Unfortunately there was nowhere to go except for another drink.
The woman that ran the “home” liked to have a social night out once a week and go to her 38 year old sister’s house and take a couple of the guys with her. It was an evening of drinking along with some card play but I realized the card play was a distraction to promote drinking. The card play would end about 8:30 at which time her and her sister would put on music and dance with the guys she had brought. Not long after it started it would change to slow dancing, all of it in an intoxicated state. Of course the grinding hips, roaming hands and passing caresses these ladies offered were described by them as the guys trying to take advantage.
For those who may be confused let me describe the peripheral effects that go beyond the alcohol, the coercion and the sex. In a group of male youths you have what is perceived as informers. Bluntly, you’re fucking the wife, you can’t be trusted and any attempt to impose your presence in the group will result in violence and you will be subjected to group violence. You’re an idiot and you’re on your own. Even the guys not fucking the wife understood the danger of violence lurking, given that her husband had played semi-pro football. The environment is no longer safe, it’s a battleground laced with land mines.
The effect of this kind of tribalism is pure violence.
I call it tribalism because the tribe grows and shrinks based on infraction, accusation and identifiable trust. The crime is against boys, vulnerable to their own inability to protect themselves, to understand the emotional and sexual coercion, the betrayal and condemnation. The extreme result is death, death by heroin overdose, death by methamphetamine overdose, death by intentionally stepping in front of a tractor trailer while drunk. Of course an outcome less extreme is prison, for firing a 22 caliber rifle from a balcony at someone exiting a bus. Lesser yet is the outcome of being accused and then assaulted with a brick, repeatedly.
Was the sex that bad? Wasn’t it really just a bonus for a young guy? No. In case you’ve never noticed sex doesn’t start and stop at the end of your dick. Once you violate the unspoken constraints of a family construct, what most feminists describe as an oppressive patriarchy, you descend into tribalism. You will pay the price for deconstructing the safety of others and you will learn that you are an unwelcome part of that tribe. Unfortunately in such circumstances your victimization is unseen and you become the perpetrator. In the environment of a “boys home” your death will be attributed to the fucked up family that you came from rather than the inability of an institution to protect you.
But hey……at least she got back at her husband for not paying enough attention to her and the squeeze of some young skin and however many orgasms she was able to achieve. After all doesn’t the outcome of such behavior really reside with a 14 year old male child rather than a 45 year old woman? What credibility does he have compared to her or the institution that supports her, the Children’s Aid Society. The social workers charged with overseeing his safety will even get a raise for dealing so effectively with such a troubled youth. Another file closed, one less problem and less expense to the system. Isn’t it better = more comfortable – to believe that some young guy is just going for his bonus?
It astounded me that a 50 year old emotional gorilla was willing to dismiss her family and children to pursue a sexual relationship with a 16 year boy.
I was very concerned for him, and told him so. Do you realize that you exist in this relationship for no other reason than her sexual pleasure? You’re 16 years old, what about your future, where are you going with this? You have left school at a time in your life when you’re just beginning to discover your abilities and skills, what will happen to them? His response was, “She will take care of me, I’m like a house husband.” “Really and how do you socialize, with her friends or yours”? “We don’t,” he replied.
I offered him a job, thinking that he would be best served by stepping into the real world and out of the isolation of the relationship. I discovered that his perception of his social status was skewed and twisted by his intimate exposure to a woman 3 times his age. I needed to inform him with a detailed explanation of why he was not my equal and the difference emotionally between a 16 year old and a 45 year old. It was difficult for him to understand that being the sexual pet of a 50 year old woman did not equal emotional maturity. He needed to consider his own interests, his own well-being and his personal development in context to his age. There is no 50 year old privilege for a 16 year old boy.
He waffled and stumbled with the outcome, resorting back to the dependency of his lover. His real place in the order of things did not become clear to him until his lover openly solicited sex from me, in front of him and offered to include him if that would please me. I gave him a look as if to say, is there anything you do not understand here? I could see the humiliation of betrayal on his face and the absolute arrogance on hers. I appreciated her request for no other reason than she had exposed herself to him. He saw the value she had assigned him and the harm that awaited. The rest was up to him and he successfully broke away and pursued his own life and his own interests. Apparently she was not pleased and it was time for me to move on.
It astounded me that a 50 year old emotional gorilla was willing to dismiss her family and children to pursue a sexual relationship with a 16 year boy. It astounded me that she could legally pull this off, that there was no challenge to her from the very institution that was charged with his safety, his education and his emotional well-being. It astounded me that she would sell out his future and his normal evolution in the face of legal retribution. What astounded me more than anything else was that there was no law of retribution for this boy, no social contract, no accountability of the community.