Bible Of The Bearded Clam

Cultists of the Bearded Clam come in two varieties, women who think they can do everything better than men and men who think women are worthy of worship. This is the Canon of Cunt, the Dogma of Douche, the Gospel of Gash, and the Tenet of Twats. The holy grail they seek will be served by men, filled with male blood and a tray of crumpets on the side.

A cunning stunt has been performed in which a class of people strive to “have it all”(1) while simultaneously insisting they are oppressed. This is their bible.

Genesis Of The Emasculated Man

Chapter 1

In the beginning the Holy Harpy created the feminist universe. She looked about and saw nothing of value. (2) The waters of this nothingness swirled about Her and was filled only with Her own reflection. Seeing that Her reflection was dark and murky She set Her bra on fire to create more light then quickly replaced it with a padded three way push-up version.

Next, the Harpy divided the light into masculine and feminine qualities putting a great divide between the two thus declaring one to be good and the other evil. So ended the first day.

Then the Harpy said, Let there be a firmament separating the waters and placing Women’s Studies between the two. Below the firmament was the Patriarchy and above it was Enlightenment. She looked down on Her creation and smiled. Thus ended the second day.

And the Harpy caused dry land to appear so that She might spread the seed of Her ideas amongst the arid cuntry. Feminist tablets were carved and groups gathered around them and soon those seeds took root. Trees grew and their fruits were self-propagating so that new seeds would spread into the wind. The Harpy saw that it was good and so ended the third day.

And the Harpy said, Let laws be enshrined to preserve the separation of masculine from feminine.

And so battered wife syndrome, rape culture, sexual harassment lawsuits, educational reforms, and special grants offered only to women were adopted by the governments. And the laws flourished and multiplied and the prisons were filled and the politicians cowered at the foot of the female vote. The Harpy saw that it was good and so ended the fourth day.

Then the Harpy said, Let the evil waters fill with bloated creatures and She called them Manginas. She taught them to satisfy the whims of the female and the Harpy instilled shame upon them so that they would be repelled by the Sea of Patriarchy in which they swam. Then the Harpy said, Let the arid cuntry fill with spindly creatures who can fly overhead. She called them White Knights and they protected the female from above picking off the belligerent sea creatures who evaded the Manginas and dared to raise their slimy heads from the evil waters. The Harpy was pleased and thus ended the fifth day.

And the Harpy said, Let all women control reproduction so that no man be they from sea or air may wilfully cause or prevent a pregnancy. She created laws to strip all men of their reproductive rights forcing them into homelessness or banishing them to the Land of Prison if they resisted these laws. And the Harpy gave woman dominion over all the heathen male creatures before her. So ended the sixth day.

Seeing all that She had created, the Holy Harpy laughed and blessed all of Her creation and on the seventh day She rested.

Chapter 2

When the Holy Harpy awoke She heard woman crying that she was lonely and had no suitable mate with which to breed. (3) The Harpy caused woman to fall into a deep sleep while She took men from the air and sea and ingrained female qualities into them so that they might be allowed to walk the dry land of the female. And when all of the things that made him masculine were flogged out of him, then woman did awake. She cleaved unto her spouse so they became as one flesh and they were not ashamed.

Chapter 3

For a brief time woman and her crafted version of man lived a happy but stunted libidinal life. But the serpent of masculinity slithered into her garden one day and dangled his manhood before her. He told her how sumptuous the apples of the sea were and so woman gave into temptation. While the Harpy was busy engraving a new magazine that spoke of sins, woman followed the snake into the ocean and they copulated with abandon. And so the Harpy discovered that many of Her blessed creatures had been sneaking off into the evil waters to lay with the slimy sea dwellers. (4) In a fit of rage, the Harpy then decreed that the definition of rape be expanded until all acts of fornication could be defined as criminal. She turned woman against woman until the lush garden was ripped asunder with frivolousness and suspicion. Women turned away from the Harpy and the Harpy sent them from her sight and they scattered into fractured houses.

And here ends the chronicles of the Garden of Feminism.

The Great Flood

And it came to pass that women busied themselves with industry causing them to spend increasingly more time in the domain of men. The Holy Harpy looked down upon them and became enraged at all the women who had wandered astray. Women had let men believe that the men owned the homes they lived in and unleashed a baby boom after many men had been smote in a great war. Some of them did speak fondly of housewifery as a career.

The Harpy appeared to Her prophet, Betty Friedan, and instructed her to build an ark. A great wave would be caused to wash over the world flooding all that there was and only those that Betty brought upon her boat would survive. And so Betty set about the task of crafting the sailing vessel and named it The Feminine Mystique.

Though charged with saving all of the female species, the ark was only big enough to fit a select group of first class women. (5)

As the whole world was flooded, this elitist problem was pushed aside and those few who had been spared heralded the ark as a miraculous achievement. The men who were saved for breeding and for hoisting the sails and emptying chamber pots were kept busy fixing leaks that sprang in the boat lest it sink with them and all those aboard. After forty days and forty nights Betty sent out a male dove to search for dry land and it did return brandishing a twig of poison ivy and she had it slaughtered. She sent then a female dove which dutifully brought back an olive branch, thereby making her the symbol of peace.

When the ark struck land, the Harpy reiterated Her command to go forth and multiply. They did so, resulting in the epoch of The Sex Wars (6) The Harpy promised to never flood the world in wrath again and next time would merely make a rainbow. It seemed all was innocent and so time did pass once more.

Tower of Babble

Women began to begat as never before. Teenagers swollen with child filled the land acquiring their own network shows. (7) Women took control of sexuality and men slaved to keep up with their demands. (8) The female lust for cock so enraged the Holy Harpy that she confounded their language until it became impossible for them to communicate. Words and phrases such as “privilege” and “phallocentric hegemony” became entwined with “intersectionality” (9) until feminists found themselves warring with each other as well as with men who identified as female. The rainbow that the Harpy did promise became a curse. (10) Gender bent until it broke and young children were put on hormone blockers. (11)

The communication faculties of all genders were brought to a grinding halt and every generation stared woefully at its own destruction. The Harpy assured them that the end of men was a good thing. (12)

Sodom, Femdom and The City of Porn

The tribes gave birth to heirs and they fought many territorial battles. As time came and went the Holy Harpy no longer walked with them or let them see Her face. They had many leaders who became oracles of the Harpy, and they passed along the commandments and the laws laid down so that they might appease Her. But women continued to stray into the evil waters to seek out their old false gods and the forbidden alpha men. The prophets warned the women of the Holy Harpy’s wrath but their vanity and their weakness caused them not to shy from the call of the sea of testosterone. Despite numerous magazine articles and self-help tablets, they had been unable to turn their blessed land males into the thing they desired. This caused a terrible rift among women until they were split into two sides which have remained at war to this day.

For the men, they worshipped by proxy watching for scarce and subtle signs of their own worthiness. Every time they got lucky it was a sign that the Harpy was pleased. When one tribesman sinned all were punished and so they watched each other closely offering regular sacrifices to their resident priestess. These men served woman faithfully and in fear. (13)

The warring tribes followed two different sets of commandments, and the men were now beholden to both versions of the holy book. They slaved to make more jails and as the lists of commandments grew so did the prison system. (14) On occasion they would cry out in despair and the Holy Harpy heard them.

The men of the land were allowed to drink beer and watch violent games contained within arenas where some of the water dwellers were permitted to play sports. Women monitored their men closely during these times because they knew that the men would be vulnerable to reverting to the old ways of the Alpha. (15) Some of the women took pleasure in the elevated excitement that would result from their men’s brief exposure but would quickly destroy any lingering testosterone brought home from the games. (16)

And so they continued in this manner, waiting for the Promised Land.

Thus ends Genesis of the emasculated man.



  2. Ignoring facts about the protections built into society that benefited women.


  • Jason Gregory

    You sliced through that cult like a BPD lady slicing through her wrists. Sharp.

  • Dean Esmay

    As a Christian I must strongly object.

    The summary of this article on the front page refers to the Gospel, but this is Feminist Old Testament material, more specifically a section of the Feminist Pentateuch, also known as the Books of Montagu

    The Feminist Gospels are clearly unrepresented here. The New Testament starting with the four Gospels according to Greer, Dworkin, Brownmiller, and Friedan, not to mention Steinem’s epistles to the various universities and government departments, and of course the Revelation to Gillard, are not even mentioned here!

    • theoutside

      Very funny.

      But who’s Montagu? Montagu Norman, head of the Bank of England?

      • Bret Vanders

        The heathen speaks of the great prophet Ashley Montagu, author of the great spiritual text “The Natural Superiority of Women” published in 1952, who heralded the coming of the savior of 2nd Wave Feminism. Being but a man he was not as great a thinker as those wombyn who were to come, but he foretold the airising of the power of the superior sex. You can read about him here, if your brain can handle its searing truth!

        • Kimski

          “Women are moving toward liberation faster than ever, yet there is so much more to be done.”

          They’re not taxing men for breathing yet, as well as being born male.
          So much money for Gucci bags to be extracted from the “oppressors”, and not enough time.

          /sarcasm off.

          Didn’t know whether to weep, laugh or scream, Diana..

          Hannibal Lecter meets Monty Python as illustrated by Salvador Dali, methinks.

        • theoutside

          Oh, ok. Thank you. I’ll have to read that. (And I really will, I never heard of it.) It just proves my suspicion that it was all devised at Tavistock.

    • JFinn

      I spilled my drink on “the revelation of Gillard” Too funny.

    • Diana Davison

      The four Gospels? You mean for me to write the same thing four times and expect people to still pay attention?

      Oh. I guess feminists have done that for a century and people are still listening as if they haven’t had time to assess the info. OK. But I’m skipping Leviticus and Deuteronomy because zzzzzz

    • scatmaster

      The Feminist Gospels are clearly unrepresented here. The New Testament starting with the four Gospels according to Greer, Dworkin, Brownmiller, and Friedan, not to mention Steinem’s epistles to the various universities and government departments, and of course the Revelation to Gillard, are not even mentioned here!

      I smell a sequel.

  • OldGeezer

    “Thus ends Genesis of the emasculated man.”

    It remains to be seen by and for whom the Book of Exodus will be written, whether eunuchs are actually capable of any kind of recovery at all, and if so, how many plagues it will require to free them from their current slavery and exile.

    One might argue, in fact, that emasculation was a mere prelude to complete feminization, not only for men themselves, but perhaps more importantly, for all of human society’s underpinnings. It does, after all, bring greater docility to the herd … or so its proponents hope and expect.

  • xXToYeDXx

    I’d like to do a dramatic/poetic reading of this for youtube. Is that alright?

    • Diana Davison

      You’ve got my permission. Please link back to AVfM and the article though :)

  • re-construct

    American gender-feminists main source of “Empowerment” is from the statistics that there perverse :”Alliance” with American law enforcement craft for them.

  • re-construct

    Gender bent until it broke and young children were put on hormone blockers. (11)
    I say; not really a laughing matter in real life..but hahahahahahaha

  • Mark Trueblood

    There seems to be a part of the human psyche that is susceptible to religious faith. I can see how this would have been an advantageous adaptive trait when our forebears were contending with very inhospitable conditions. And I can see how religious faith can be a healthy thing today. Thank God I’m an atheist, but there have certainly been many times I wish I could believe there was some sky-god that had my back.

    However, one drawback of human susceptibility to faith-based “thinking” is that we believe in irrational, fact-free things as if they are true. Many so-called atheists and skeptics have traded irrational faith in a sky-god for irrational faith in the State. And many people (not just women) have irrational faith in the divinity of the female, and the special interest movement that surrounds it.

  • re-construct

    OMG that was fantastic kid….laughed my ass off!!!

  • August Løvenskiolds

    I’ve uncovered some early texts that suggest that the ark as constructed held room enough for all women, but the first class women insisted that their vast shoe collections go with them. Other women were asked to lean out to make a bit more room for the shoes, and when they did, they were bumped into the sea. The surviving first class ladies became known as the “lean in”.

    These texts also suggest that the tetragrammaton of the Harpy is GYNY.

    • Diana Davison

      That’s hilarious! I wish I’d thought of the shoe dilemma!

  • Peter Wright (Tawil)

    Very entertaining account of creation, Diana. I can only thank you for taking us deep into HER mysteries and giving us a chance to prostate ourselves before the Holey of Holeys. 😉

    • Diana Davison

      And we’ve got three! Though shalt countest to three and three shall be the number to which thou shalt count. If though countest to two thou shalt have missed one. If though countest to five thou hast included the ears and that is questionable. If thou countest to seven though hast included the nostrils and will have problems.

  • externalangst

    So be it. Let us pray.

  • crydiego

    Faith is believing in something that can’t be proven, can’t be explained, so I don’t believe in god but I do believe in love so I’m not an atheist. Happy fathers day to those who also believe in love.

    • Rick Westlake

      I still believe in God – well, the “God of Principles” that, in Einstein’s words, “didn’t play dice” … but I no longer believe in Love. I don’t know what it is. I understand tolerance, and I sort of have the concept of respect – I try like hell to GIVE respect to others and their views, but I don’t have the concept that anything like that will be extended to me and my views.

      But I don’t believe in Love.

      Does that make me an atheist, Crydiego?

      Happy Fathers’ Day to all fathers out there in Reality.

  • Grumpy Old Man

    Well done Diana. This reminds me that men’s nature is and has always been conditional by women even in places you’d think it’s not. It takes allot of insight, strength and courage to identify this. It takes even more courage to let men be and accept the good with the bad. There’s always a rebound effect.

  • Stu

    This could turn out being like Spinal Tap, start as a joke, and turn into an actual religion. Sort of what feminists done anyway isn’t it lol

  • Dr. F (Ian Williams)

    Great article Diana.

    I look forwards to seeing the next one up here.

  • http://none universe

    A most enjoyable read. A fresh yet already classic parody juxtaposed onto monumental theme. Similarities difficult to ignore and both rooted into human psyche.

    Of my readings into the good book my favourite parts have been where the Creator Spirit Himself and elements pertaining pays almost direct visits with those physical upright bipedal creatures with untapped ethereal abilities and potentialities. Recorded for all indefatigable undefeatable posterity. Something commonly observed by more than a few but immeasurable by what is available to physically measure with. Set forth and exponentially vast beyond the psychedelic minus any inducers yet natural beyond super and natural. Pure formless flickering atomic essence.


    The original evo-psyche moment occurred when the first man consciously chose to depart from that atomic essence within/beyond and focussed upon self then the Clam. The formless gamete shift remains in all hybrid since.

    Ahh well. Enough of this already. Got a sudden craving for seafood. Must be off now.

  • crydiego


    I’m not one for answering questions in a comment section because it usually leads down a dark, “Got Ya” alley near the asker’s house. But, I don’t feel you’re of the type so I’ll bite this time.
    No, it does not make you an atheist, or anything else. I’m not sure what makes an atheist. I don’t believe in any of the religions I know of, but when the ability of our understanding ends there has to be more.
    To not believe in love is a different matter. Many people, who claim to not believe in it, have been wounded terribly by it. It’s biological, -you don’t have a choice of ignoring it and I think it’s why many of us are here.

  • Theseus

    OMG! Too fuckin’ funny girly.

    A a fellow artist I am envisioning text on a textured and dog eared papyrus type scroll a la the Dead Sea scrolls – either in Photo Shop or on canvas (my preferred choice) using acrylic pumice gel and modeling paste.

  • crydiego

    What a rich mind you must have! A great, fun read.

  • Lovekraft

    Canadian Dave Sim offers his own take on the Torah in Cerebus issues 280-285. In it, he claims that the spirit in the earth is responsible for subverting and corrupting humanity. A spirit that is feminine in nature, in that it is rebellious and wants to be equal to God.

  • Lovekraft


    Gee, who would have thought? Feminism’s relentless campaign of marginalizing good men will result in a backlash.

  • GQuan

    Amen. I mean, er, “a-womyn”?