I almost rejected the red pill

I had several chances to take the fabled red pill and failed to do so. It’s amazing how you can look back after the fact and see just how messed up things really were.

I’m the oldest of 4. I have 3 half-sisters. None of us share a father. I was raised almost entirely by angry women. My mother was an abused divorcee’. My aunt and my grandmother were both divorced and both had a big hand in raising us. I have an uncle who I idolized growing up, but he is gay and at times resented his family for not showing him enough support in his lifestyle choice. So all in all, I had very few male role models in my life growing up.

I was told early on I’m the problem because I’m a man. Literally those words. From the ages of 14-16 I can count on 1 hand the number of times my mother used my actual name. It was always when she wanted money I’d earned from mowing lawns. Any other time I was simply called “Male child.”

I put every woman I ever dated on monuments so high that I could hardly hear them when they shouted down orders at me. I was the embodiment of a beta male doormat. We all know the song and dance. Nothing we do is for us. I didn’t know any different. I thought what I was experiencing was normal. I wasn’t raised to question anything. I just assumed that everyone went through what I went through at some point. And since they made it through, I would have to make it through as well. Our lives are devoted to making someone else happy. And I was damned good at my job.

I was with a woman for 8 years. We never married (thank the heavens) but we were engaged for much of that time. Just too poor to actually afford to go through with it. Just to give you all a little insight into the type of woman she was/is, our first fight was a few months into the relationship. It lasted almost 2 months to the day. And it was all because I cheated on her in a dream that she had. For 2 months I had to put up with that malarkey. It went downhill from there quick.

We ended up after about 6 1/2 years conceiving a child, a son. I was working for less than minimum wage at a home improvement store. Part of my pay was made up in commissions from the sales I made. In order to pay for a child and the medical bills I knew would be coming, I started working every hour I could. 15 hours a day Monday through Friday, 10 hours on Saturday, and usually 8 hours of unpaid time on Sunday. Needless to say I wasn’t there for much of the pregnancy. And it only took 2 weeks before the accusations of cheating started. It got to the point where I had to (daily) take pictures of myself clocking in and out and send them to her so that she wouldn’t doubt I was at work.

Now I don’t want to get into the specifics of what happened or why it happened, so I will simply say that due to complications during the pregnancy, our son was born extremely premature, and he wasn’t strong enough to survive. He was born, and died on October 2nd. I was able to hold him for 4 hours before he passed. It was the best and worst 4 hours of my life.

After we lost our son, things with my fiancée and I got worse. To the point that if I came home after a 12-15 hour day and got yelled at for 4 hours straight before she passed out, I considered it a good day. The bad days, well you can imagine.

I didn’t leave her however. She was hurt and needed a punching bag. I was willing to fill that role until she didn’t need it anymore. I could mourn my son after she had done her mourning. Until then, “solider up. No tears. Men don’t cry. You’ll get your turn, but she gets her turn first.” Things I actually said to myself to keep myself in the state of mind I thought I had to be in for her.

It wasn’t until she told me that losing our son was my fault that I left. In yet another accusation of cheating she told me that god took our son to punish me for not being faithful. At this point I think it’s relevant to share that not a single time in our relationship did I cheat. But she had strayed 3 times without me throwing it in her face.

It’s been 3 years since I left her and literally the day after I felt like a weight was off my shoulders. But the blue pill world was still one I lived in. It wasn’t until a mutual friend of ours had told me (roughly two years after the fact) that my ex was looking for lawyers to take me to court, that I was able to fully choke down the red pill. Even though I had worked for about 5-6 months averaging 4 hours of sleep/night to pay the bills and set money aside to pay for our son’s upcoming expenses…money that she kept when we split.

She was trying to take me to court to pay child support for her pregnancy and the cremation and funeral costs. She wanted 10 grand. It’s also relevant to note that the cremation had already been paid for out of my pocket once. Funeral costs haven’t been paid, but it’s because she refuses to bury him. He’s in a small urn at her apartment now.

Thankfully, she couldn’t find an attorney to take her case. Not because it was unlikely to win sadly, but because she had blown the money I left her with on a small shopping spree with her friends and no one wanted to work for free.

But, it was upon hearing her intentions I started researching my chances of winning my case. That was when the red pill really started to work its magic. Seeing how one-sided the courts are I got scared. Thankfully she’s horrible with money, and doesn’t work due to her back getting injured at work 2-3 years prior to our split. So the threat there is for the most part gone.

Since everything I’ve moved on. I took the little bit of knowledge I had and ran full speed with it. I’ve watched every video on YouTube by GWW, JTO and Patrickhenryist. I’ve spent about 20 hours a week not counting the videos pouring over statistics ranging from homelessness, to labor and wage gaps, the courts. Just about anything I thought might help in a debate. I’ve begun local activism. I’ve placed posters for AVFM in some of the local dive bars around town. I figure that’s a good place to look for men who might need help.

I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone, but in a way I’m glad I went through it. Had I not I would have never ended up on the path I’m on. And scarier yet, I may never have left my Ex. In some ways losing him was for the best. And being able to admit that to myself shows how much I’ve actually healed.

Well there it is. The first time I’ve committed my story to words. My hope is that my story (and the stories of others) help more men realize they’re not alone. Feel free to share my story with others who you think may just find real hope and motivation to do things differently.

*Update* PatrickHenryist did a video about this, which first brought it to some of our attention. –DE

About Jay T

I'm an apprentice iron worker by trade and a welder by specialty. Prior to that I held a few jobs as a forklift driver and I worked in childcare for 6 years. I grew up in a small farm town. By the time I was 27 I had been homeless twice, once due to recession, once due to the split with my ex and having no where to go.

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  • http://www.avoiceformen.com Dr. F

    When I read this I couldn’t get it published fast enough.

    Thank you for this wonderful piece JayT.

  • hellgorama

    wow, you’ve been through the same kind of nightmare that most men here have gone through. welcome to AVfM.

  • Lordmep

    It’s both sad and scary that this is what is necessary for some to realize just how screwed up the system is.

  • TheBiboSez

    Hugs for you, JayT. Welcome to the MRM.

    There is much in your story I can relate to directly.

    And I would suspect that your ex’s “back injury” is not nearly as severe as she would like everyone to believe.

  • Tawil

    You Sir are going to be a real asset to the MRM. You have experienced first-hand the way the culture (particularly mothers) disparage males into being doormats devoid of self-worth… simply for the purpose of indulging women’s narcissistic whims.

    Perhaps your uncle did teach you something valuable after all; to resent those who don’t show enough support for us and our lives.

    It’s time to hold this racket to account and i’m happy you are here to help assist in this task. Welcome to the warmth of the red, Jay.

  • http://manamongoaks.com/index.html Ray

    I think a lot of us here have had our long exposure time in the camp of blue pill thinking and/or living, but now we look at potential romantic relationships in a whole new way. Yep, ladies, there’s a new social contract in the camp of the red-pill males.

    When I become socially involved with women these days I now look at their emotional and mental stability as well as financial stability before risking any romantic involvement. Many women think I have unreasonable expectations, am overly cautious, or have commitment phobia, but they risk nothing financially by becoming involved in a relationship, where the average male risks everything.

    I’ve received criticism for my way of thinking by some pampered women, but their criticisms have merely confirmed to me the rightness of my thinking. It’s a very dangerous world for any man who gets involved with a woman. Existence as a piggy bank, and/or a slave laborer, and/or a door mat, and/or a punching bag just doesn’t seem like an acceptable role for my life, or a fair exchange for what a woman thinks she brings to the relationship table.

  • http://manamongoaks.com/index.html Ray

    “I almost rejected the red pill”

    Don’t feel bad. It’s very hard to swallow the red pill, when the blue pill is stuck in your throat. A lot of us here have had to choke on the blue pill, until we coughed it up – some of us thinking we were gasping our last breath.

    Once the dislodged blue pill is on its way back to the vile sewer of gender-feminist thinking that pervades our Western society, the freed man has the ability to swallow the red pill and take in the fresh air of true equality, justice and liberty.

  • http://gloriusbastard.com/ JJ

    The blue pill is often consumed in liduid form, and with gobs full of sugar!

    The Red Pill is a battleship shell sized horse pill we all take one bite at a time; or some of us get smart and melt it down to be consumed like beer.

    It is what it is; you family screwed you up; and intentionally left you ill prepared to face the world because they were hurt, so they hurt the only ones they could.

    It is great you came to the point where you are. For this I am happy; but never go back. Help others to return to sanity. And grow your cajones back more everyday; your family, enemies, and false friends will fear you; for they won’t understand what you have become.

  • Viamus

    Welcome man., and though others have said it, I’m sorry about your son.

    Your son had a chance to spend four hours with a good man, a father who loved him. He wasn’t alone. That really does matter, I think anyway.

  • gateman

    Thanks for sharing this very personal story Jay T.
    The fact that you survived without going insane or lashing out violently is a testament to your character.

  • http://www.johntheother.com John the Other

    Thanks for writing this Jay T, and welcome.

  • RossT

    Nah, you didn’t lose your little man. :) He came, he saw, and he left you with a message through his actions. That’s why he came into the world so early. To deliver that message to you. :) “Dad, you gotta go, there’s more to life than this.” And with that, he stayed in your arms for those 4 hours, and showed you how to let go. Just a feeling I have.

  • zuismanm

    Very important story, told with dignity and cogency.
    My respect, and best wishes, and great to see among authors here…
    And to JJ – I think – one of our main purposes here is to make red pill more available and less traumatic for next generations of boy and men.

  • napocapo69

    glad you left her, glad you took the red pill…

  • http://www.mralondon.org Andy Man

    Glad you left her also, and glad your here.

  • Jay

    Glad you left her mate. No person deserves that sort of treatment when you are out there working 10-15 hour days 7 days a week to help support her and your potential son. Keep on reading, keep on learning. That’s what I do too. And I can tell you, the feminist lies get more and more staggering the more you research. I’m currently researching the myth of males oppressing females throughout history. Like all good myths, there is an element of truth, but only an element. That modern society believes this myth is horrendous. We are NOT an enlightened society. But a society which worships feminism/misandrism.

  • oldfart

    Thanks Jay.

    Now a general message to readers;There’s a reason for the old tales of the harridan wife quick to use frying pan and rolling pin upon her husband.
    (upon return from work)

    The feminists prefer not to talk about that in hopes it will fade away.
    Well no,here’s your reminder.
    You don’t scare us anymore,and we’re learning to stand up for ourselves.
    We’re here,with no fear,get used to it!

  • TheSameDog

    In the lead paragraph on the front page, it’s “account”, not “accounting”. Fix it before poor Dave gets [sic]cups over it 😉

  • keyster

    Your story is not atypical.
    I went through several relationships where mental stability was questionable, including but not limited to the “I dreamed you were cheating, therefore you are.” scenerio. Did I stick around? No way.

    Lied to, cheated on, made to feel like crap, psychotic episodes, bipolar – man I got stories. Eventually you ask yourself “Why do I keep coming back for more? Some steady poohtang? Social acceptance of being “coupled”? It ain’t worth it.

    I’m the free-ist man I know…and one of the healthiest.

  • Iron John

    You have seen some serious stuff, Jay T. I am glad you survived and that you managed to find us. I hope that you can heal and help other men who have suffered like you. Your story could bring hope to many who see no light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for sharing.

  • JayT

    Thank you all for the kind words.

    • Aimee McGee

      JayT, wow…just wow.

      I’m glad you are here brother

  • Strength4 Men

    Merry Christmas to you… seems appropriate share, the Red for the holiday!

    Your story was familiar and I felt it. Thanks for sharing.

  • http://danipettas.com Dani Pettas

    Great piece. Thanks for sharing.

  • malcolm

    I’m glad you took the red pill, it sounds like you were stting yourself up for a life of misery.
    Boys who are raised by mothers who detest men have a very poor start in life, I’m happy you have recovered.